The Only Way I Know

The music echoed around the tall ceiling.

When I was a young boy
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band...

I had never heard My Chemical Romance before - except for the Green Day conert. Maybe if I had, I could've talked to Rachel about it. Go on about how great they were like I would talk about Green Day. Maybe I could've gotten to know Rachel better. Maybe I could've told her how happy for her and Tom I was.

These were just some of the regrets fucking around inside my head.

I had never been in a church before, I realised, as I looked up the aisle and saw Rachel's coffin being carried by Tom, her dad, uncle and older brother. They slowly made their way up the aisle.

A tear slowly slipped down Tom's cheek as he made he way past me. I felt the tears well up in my eyes and slide down my face. It didn't only hurt saying goodbye to Rachel. It ripped apart my heart to see another one of my friends hurt.

They laid the coffin at the end of the aisle, only a row ahead of me. The four guys took their seats back in the sea of people. I saw Tom hesitate, murmur something directed at the coffin before moving back next to me.

I looked deeply into his green eyes, the eyeliner completely gona after having cried so many times. He smiled weakly. Except it wasn't a smile. It was a plea for help. A plea for something to mend his torn heart.

I faced the front again, listening as Rachel's mum made a heartbreaking speech. She was beside herself. Trying to stop the flow of tears; trying to say her speech about how much she'll miss Rachel. She wasn't the only one.

Biting my lip, I tried to concentrate on what she was saying. I felt Tom's warm hand reach for mine again. I gripped it tightly, hoping for warmth to come into my eerily numb fingers. Every part of me was numb. As though I had gotten frostbite over ever inch of my body.

Tom sniffed next to me. I avoided looking at him - how could I possibly feel any worse?

They played a clip of videos and photos from Rachel's childhood up the front, complete with the song Wake Me Up When September Ends. The tears were falling thick and fast now; there was no stopping them.

Summer has come and passed...

Tom was doing even worse. He couldn't look at the screen.

I saw a photo from Rachel's year six formal. She was smiling so much, gathered by her friends. It freaked me out, thinking about how at the time that photo was taken, she didn't know she would die so young. She didn't know that she would never grow up, get a job, have kids, die an old age...learn about life. Her life was unfairly cut short.

The innocent can never last...

A hot surge of rage swept through my veins. Why couldn't the innocent last? Why the fuck was it so unfair? I thought my life was bad. What worse could possibly happen? In the space of such a short time, my dad deserted me and mum, I left behind my life in Australia, I came here, had no friends and was as lonely as hell, and I had even begun to cut myself. And now? My fucking friend had died. Why me? Why Tom? Why Rachel?

The tears of sadness became tears of anger. The clip ended, and yet Tom's hand was still firmly grasping mine.

The funeral began to come to a close; Welcome to the Black Parade started again as her family led the way outside. I followed them, still holding Tom's hand tightly.

I had never heard a song in a situation where the lyrics had fit so fucking much.

We'll carry on...
We'll carry on...
And though you're dead and gone believe me,
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on...
And though you're broken and defeated...
Your weary widow marches on...

I looked over to Tom beside me. He was her weary widow. He was her other half, the part of her that would live on.

We'll carry on...