The Only Way I Know

Before, life had seemed to get progressively harder. But now, it was staying at the worst possible level. It was as if life had no nice in it at all anymore, except for my mum, Tom and Alex.

As the cold October merged into the colder mid-November, Rachel's death was easier, but was still strongly imprinted in my mind. Tom wasn't still his usual self, or rather the one I had met. He acted normally, but was still feeling the loss he had suffered.

I had finally plucked up the courage to tell Alex was happened - but no matter how hard I tried, I could feel us drifting apart. The long distance friendship just wasn't working.

I heard my alarm go off next to me one particularly blistery cold morning. Rolling over and slamming my hand down on the snooze button, I felt something click inside my mind. I suddenly felt a surge of resentment towards something. And I had no idea what it was...Whatever was controlling my life and what happened to the people around me was a fuckhead. I wanted to pommel them. I wanted to kill them.

What the fuck?

Was I going insane?

I realised something wasn't right. The life I was living was filled with self-doubt and hurt. What was the point of dragging it on? Was there a possibility I could change everything and work it out, and make it right?

If there wasn't, then I didn't want to do this anymore. I realised how depressed I really was getting...

Same old routine. I cranked up some angry music from The Clash that morning as I got ready - lazily putting my hair in a loose braid, putting on eyeliner and my black jeans and dark red shirt. I suddenly remembered the Green Day wristband I had bought at their concert all those months ago in Australia...and I had never even worn it. Where was it?

I fumbled around my room, opening my wardrobe and dodging all the stuff that fell out. A box that was never unpacked fell out. It was my Green Day merchandise box! Perfect.

I pulled out posters I had never put up, t-shirts, badges and all kind of junk. At the bottom of the box was my Green Day wristband - complete with the large font, heart grenades on each side and studs. I quickly clipped it on and picked up my schoolbag. Oh well. Didn't do my homework. Again.

I padded downstairs, waved my mum a quick goodbye and walked out through the door, shutting it behind me. The cold air hit me like a train. I pulled my scarf up and crossed my arms tightly as I made my way to school again. I met Tom as usual by my locker.

"Hey," I greeted, feeling warmed up inside on seeing his smile.

"How are you?"

"Ah, the usual. You?"

"Same." He shrugged his shoulders. "We have music first, right?"

"Yeah. I think I finished my song," I said, grinning. "Except it sounds kind of lame."

"But all we had to do was think of a riff and a chorus! It can't sound that bad," he laughed. I realised the impact of Rachel's death was becoming easier with Tom as well, although it could still be seen in his eyes.

Those bright green eyes...how it went so brilliantly with his hair...how he was my Billie Joe Armstrong...

We began to make our way to music on hearing the bell. We walked in silence, our strides matching evenly. I wallowed in my own thoughts...did I still like Tom like I used to? Was he more than a friend to me?

Well, he was definitely more than a friend...he knew me. But did I like him...or love him?

It didn't seem right. When he was going out with Rachel, I wanted him so badly. It was just lust; I barely knew him. And now Rachel was gone, I wasn't so sure. He was like my second half in the aspect that he knew what I was going through. With each day, he learnt more about me.

Or was I just learning more about him?

We walked into music as usual, taking our seats up the back.

"Now, you'll be allowed to have 10 minutes to rehearse your song before you must perform it in front of the class," the teacher explained.

I froze. Perform it to the class?

Tom nudged me. There was the scraping of seats as everyone went off to their various instruments, whether it be piano or guitar.

I picked up an acoustic guitar and silently hummed the words revolving in my head while I strummed away. My fingers seemed to be separate from my body, effortlessly picking at the strings. This was when it was all worth it - that feeling of escape from reality just happened when I played my music.

"Jamie, you're first up," the teacher called, ten minutes later.

First up?! Every swear word possible slipped into my mind as I made my way up the front and sat down on a chair. This song was way too personal...

The class fell silent as they returned back to their seats and fixed their eyes on me. My palms began to sweat; I avoided eye contact with Tom and nervously readjusted the guitar on my lap.

"OK, you can begin, Jamie."

I played the riff twice before plucking up the courage to begin singing. Could I even sing? Nobody had really heard me sing before...

"It's just not fair...
Why should I even care?
In this world of make believe,
I'm just trying to receive
A little bit of love...
A little normality...
A little bit of peace, quiet and not calamity!
It's just not fair...

I played another bar of the chorus and ended. The class politely clapped before gossiping amongst themselves.

As I passed the first two rows of desks, I heard someone whisper something which ignited a fire within me.

"God what an emo song..."

I stopped dead.

"What did you say?" I demanded.

"What? Nothing." The blonde-haired girl was chewing on a piece of gum, looking perfectly like someone I wouldn't get a long with.

I realised I couldn't exactly pick a fight under a teachers nose, so I haughtily made my way up the back. I put the acoustic away and took my seat again.

"Jamie, that was - " Tom looked at me, lost for words. He obviously got the message through it.

I nodded, unable to look at him.

I wondered if anyone, even Tom, knew how broken on the inside I felt.