The Only Way I Know

The morning after the dance I awoke with a new feeling of security. Finally, something made sense. Not everything was wrong anymore, someone out there liked me. I jumped out of bed, spinning in a few dizzying circles and grinning happily. I'm going out with Tom...I'm going out with Tom...

I turned up some music, glad it was a Sunday. And tomorrow I didn't have school either...ah, life was sweet...

"Well maybe I'm the faggot America..." I pretended to play guitar. It was so nice to be happy for once, to not have something lingering in the back of my mind. It was liberating.

I stopped air guitar abruptly. That was something I hadn't done in a while...played my own guitar. It was sitting in the corner, the case slightly greyed by where the dust had gathered. I had weeks of holidays now.

As I brushed my teeth and got changed into some different clothes, I quickly worked out my plans for the day. Tom was with family, so the world was mine. Maybe I could hang out at the park or something...

It was with this that I came to the full realisation that Tom was all I had here. My good mood faded.

But its Tom - he's a gazillion times better than anything else...

Shaking this thought out of my head, I took my iPod off my bedside table and padded downstairs, noticing my mum was still asleep. I quietly grabbed a bagel from the cupboard before opening the front door and slipping into the cool air.

The street was relatively quiet. Sunday mornings was everyone's sleep in day - but not for me. I happily tuned into my iPod and wandered down the street. I decided to go back to the park me and Tom were when Rachel...

Stop it. Don't ruin the good mood while you can.

When I arrived I sat on the swings and turned my music up louder.

When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city to see a marching band...

Argh! Why was it that constant reminders of Rachel flared up? I hastily skipped the song. I couldn't destroy this happiness I was in. I skipped the song and breathed a sigh of relief when it was Blitzkrieg Bop by The Ramones. Thank god.

I looked around the small green park. Memories of that small swing set near my house in Australia flooded back. I still remember my last day...Alex, as distressed as I was, trying not to cry.

So much for friends forever, I thought bitterly.

But I tried to focus on the positives of my new home. Tom asking me out. That was the only one.

It was with thinking of Tom that my thoughts drifted to Rachel. I had to face them, not avoid them. How cute together they were...

But now I was going out with him. I was his second choice - had Rachel not stayed around, I'd still be the third wheel. I could have run away from home by now. Tom might not have been so nice to me...he wouldn't have asked me out...or kissed me. Or hung out with me in music class. It was Rachel holding me and Tom as friends...

I couldn't believe this. I wasn't happy anymore. I was just as sad as I was yesterday. Possibly worse.

I hurried back home, sick of seeing all the reminders of my life. I sped past the mall where the CD store was, where I had bought Insomniac. My room was my haven, my cell for all my troubles.

Locking the door, I felt pure anger and depression setting in again. I resisted the urge to smash everything, and instead calmly took the scissors out.

I am not afraid to keep on living...

Oh how ironic. Famous Last Words. Funnily enough, by doing this, I was showing my fear for life itself. My fear of feeling the pain on the inside and not the outside.

This time I used a razor blade. The pain was so quick; yet the cut went in deeper. I felt myself go faint as I stared at the dark red blood sliding down my wrist. It was a lot deeper this time...I held back the tears.

Don't cry...don't cry...

I slowly passed out from the shock of having seen more blood.

I hated myself for doing this.