The Only Way I Know

Was it all a dream?

I sat upright, soaked in a cold sweat. My room spun around me, slowly sliding into focus. I felt my pals gripping the tangle of sheets around me as I constantly trembled.

It was Christmas morning; I was home, safe in my bed, safe from anyting that might harm me. But it couldn't protect me from my violent thoughts. Without realising what I was doing, I began to scream. I screamed and screamed and screamed, my throat burning with every second that passed.

I wasn't unheard...

My mum sprinted into the room, flinging open the door and looking around in shock.

"Mum - " I gasped, unable to breathe. I felt myself go light-headed at the effort. My body shook with sobs, my lungs scrambled for air...

"Jamie!" She ran forward, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I could hear the panic in her voice as she desperately tried to soothe me; "Don't cry - "

Someone had heard me at last. I felt the room spin around me once again as I passed out.

**

I heard worried muttering around me. I felt cold, stiff sheets under my skin. I could feel clothes that weren't mine attached to my body. I kept my eyes closed, unwilling to accept where I really was.

"Scars on her wrists..." an unfamiliar male voice murmured.

"She hasn't been right since..."

I heard my mum speak. I felt the tears prick the back of my eyes as I noticed the disappointment etched in her voice. Determined to keep my eyes closed, I bit my lip, wishing everyone would leave to let me wallow in my sorrows.

Finally. I heard people around me leave, their shoes echoing on what sounded like tiled floors. I slowly opened my eyes, letting them adjust to the bright white light.

Memories of my dream flooded back, sending me into a state of panic. My heart began to race as I blinked back the tears, swallowing uncomfortably. I stared up at the white ceiling, coming to the realisation I was in a hospital.

"Tom..." I whispered, tightly closing my eyes. Could I possibly wish anymore that this was just a dream? The room around me resembled the blank space ... all alone...all alone...I'm all alone....

I heard hurried footsteps coming from outside the door, faster, faster...

I saw that familiar black hair pop around the door frame, that slim figure dressed in dark clothes...his green eyes visible under his eyeliner...

"Tom..." I whispered again, nearly unable to speak. He ran forward to my side, sinking down to his knees. Tom swallowed, tears forming in his emerald eyes...eyes clouded with fear. He grabbed my hand, gripping it tightly, encasing it wih his warmth.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, squeezing my eyes tightly and letting the tears roll down my cheeks.

He couldn't speak. I heard him draw ragged breaths, until I opened my eyes and saw him screwing his face up, trying to hold back.

"I don't want to see you like this," he whispered, trying to hold back the tears. He was terrified of me.

"I don't want to hurt you," I replied, avoiding his gaze.

"I - "

I wanted to block out whatever he was going to say. For what I did, I deserved to be shot. I deserved to be tortured. I deserved anyting that would cause me the distress that he had suffered, only to be multiplied by an infinite number. All I deserved was punishment...

"I love you," he choked out.

I threw my head back against the pillows, the tears flowing thickly from my eyes. I didn't want his love. I didn't deserve it. Those words were like stabbing pains in my heart; not because he loved me, but because I loved him.

And I ripped him apart.

"I need to be alone," I whispered hoarsely, reluctantly letting go of his hand. He swallowed, nodded and began to back away from me. I was some green eyed, disgusting monster, trying to eat him up into my pool of pity...

I watched him go, sobbing harder...wanting to die...

This pain is just to real...
There's just too much that time cannot erase...