The Only Way I Know

No...I'm going to wake up and it was all a terrible dream...

I quickly opened my eyes, finding myself in yet another room. It was furnished with red carpet and beige walls, and I soon realised that I was anywhere but home. The walls had no posters whatsoever on them; there was nothing messily littering the floor like it would at home. Plus, there was an eerie coldness and silence.

What's been happening? I wondered, tightly shutting my eyes and trying to will everything away. It seemed that in my mind, reality couldn't be separated from imagination. My head began to throb painfully as I tried to recollect everything that happened. Tom's face appeared in my mind again, sending my into yet another state of distress. The dream...and he said he loved me...

The tears formed in my eyes again as I thought of his shocked and terrified face. his emerald eyes welled up in tears; his face pale and scared as he tried to talk to me...He was scared of me. No...he was terrified. He thought he was the reason for this...he didn't want to hurt me anymore...

My thoughts were interrupted by my mother's sudden presence in the room. Her hands were clutching a duffel bag tightly, which immediately suggested that I was going to be here for more than a day. She wordlessly placed it down on the floor, and, seeing my depressed state, turned to leave.

"I'm sorry mum," I whispered, hopefully loud enough for her to hear. She became still, her back turned to me.

"I don't know what to do," she replied quietly. "I can't help you anymore, Jamie."

And so she left. Left me here alone in this strange room, without anything or anyone. If I thought I had felt alone before, then it was nothing on what I felt now.

I stared at the window opposite to where I was sitting on my bed. There was the world outside, in all its beauty. And here I was, trapped within myself. Before, at least I had felt at least something. Anger. Hate. Sadness. Rage.

But now, there was nothing.

Why can't I feel anything? I began to cry again. Maybe I was sad. But I couldn't tell anymore. Maybe I was feeling so many emotions at once, that it was impossible to tell.

I heard someone else enter my room. I looked up to see a woman, about thirty years old, dressed in a red woollen jumper and a black skirt making her way towards me. She looked to be nice; but then again, everything in this world looked nice but was hideous on the inside.

"Hi Jamie," she said softly.

I nodded to show that I had heard her.

"I'm Renee," she said, standing next to me. "We need you to come downstairs, so when you're ready..."

I nodded again. She smiled, before turning around and leaving. I looked to the duffel bag, wondering where I was and how long I was here for. Maybe my mum had kicked me out and I was in an orphanage. Or a mental asylum. Either way, I didn't want to be here. I wanted to never love again so I could never be hurt; I didn't want to hurt anyone else, either.

Dragging myself out of bed, I slumped on the floor next to my bag and unzipped it, revealing the items inside. It was mainly clothes, except for a note on the top. I recognised my mum's handwriting.

Jamie -

I've packed these things for you. I'm not sure how long you'll be here for.

Get well soon - Mum.

It was a raging battle inside my head; on one hand, I was glad she was sounding so cold towards me. I deserved it. But, on the other hand, I felt lonely. And I wasn't sure whether that was good or not.

Crunching up the note, I pulled out some clothes and walked into the small bathroom connected to my room. I noticed that my jeans had had the chains removed off of them, and my mum had forgot to pack my eyeliner. And my CDs. It was as if nothing could be trusted in my hands...like evrything I would use would be with the intention of harming myself. What was I going to do...stab myself in the eye with my eyeliner so I die? Would I attempt to strangle myself with the small chains from my jeans? Or, alternatively, would listening to the Ramones influence me to stop breathing and murder everyone else?

Where the fuck was I?

Changing and leaving my bathroom, I dumped my previous change of clothes on the floor. I paused for a moment - maybe I could escape through the window. It was probably only on ground level anyway. I walked over and looked down.

"Ah..." I said slowly, noticing I was at least on a second level. So much for that. And, the window had been barricaded by a mesh flyscreen, firmly bolted in place.

Rolling my eyes, I closed the window and tentaively opened my door, afaraid of what was outside. A long hallway greeted me, with around twelve doors either side. My room was at the end.

The hallway was quiet as I walked along it. I saw a flight of stairs at the opposite end.

Cautiously looking down them, I became even more curious as to where I was.