The Only Way I Know

Me and Julian left the dining hall, where he then led me outside into the back garden.

"Whoa..." I said in awe, looking around at the perfectly manicured lawns and hedges.

"I thought the same thing," he said pensively.

"What the hell do you guys do for fun around here?" I asked.

"Ah, only God knows." He gave a mock sigh.

"OK, if that was a dirty answer, then I'm going to conveniently ignore it."

He laughed. And when Julian laughed, the whole world seemed to laugh with him.

"Nah, we just usually hang around. But everything is tightly regulated, that its impossible to do what you'd normally do at home. I just wanna get out of here."

"Is that why the chains have been removed from my jeans?" I asked, looking down at my pants.

"Probably. We're not allowed CDs or books either, except for the ones that they provide. And I can tell you, the ones here are shit."

We sat down in a small courtyard complete with pruned hedges, white gravel and a bubbling fountain. I heard a rumble of thunder above us, the dark clouds threatening to explode with torrential rain any minute.

"How old are you, Jamie?" Julian asked suddenly.

"15. I'm in year ten. You?"

"Same. Do you live in London?"

"Yeah..." I said slowly. "How could you tell?"

"The English-London accent starting to appear in your voice." This both surprised and amazed me at the same time. There was definitely something different abou Julian...something really interesting.

"So come on, tell me a little bit about yourself," he suggested, picking up a piece of gravel and throwing it into the fountain.

"No. You really don't wanna be bored senseless," I said consciously. Who would want to listen to me, anyway? I barely knew this guy...but I could feel something deep inside of me wanting to be let out.

"I'm a good listener," he said honestly. "I don't mind, either way."

I took a deep breath. "Do you know how it feels not to want to wake up in the morning? Well, for me, now I always feel like that. Everything around me gets hurt. The bench under us right now is probably hurting."

He gave a sympathetic smile, his eyes sad.

"I don't fit in. I'm different from everyone else here. I dress darkly, I wear eyeliner, and I listen to music from the previous generation. I don't dress up in fancy clothes, cloud my face with makeup and listen to hip hop like the other girls."

He was silent for a moment. "But it shouldn't be any different from Australia," he said gently.

I opened my mouth to speak, but paused midway. "In Australia I had Alex, my best friend. She understood me."

"But you must have someone here...anyone from school?"

"Yeah...Tom..." I drifted off, thinking abou the last time he spoke to me.

"Tom?" Julian asked curiously.

"Uh...he's my boyfriend. At least I think he is my boyfriend," I added quietly.

"Explain," he pressed gently.

I barely knew this guy; and yet he understood me.

I breathed deeply again, trying to figure out how I could explain. "Rachel and Tom were going out when I arrived. I kind of...liked him," I said, feeling embarrassed. "But it must've been only weeks later that Rachel died. Tom was devastated. I was devastated. And I barely knew her. I cut myself, trying to feel better. And then it was over a phone call that me and Alex split. She thought I wanted attention, thought I was selfish." Taking in another ragged breath, I continued. "And then Tom asked me out. I felt overwhelmed - something good had happened at last. But it didn't take me long to turn a positive into a negative. I realised that had Rachel not died, then Tom wouldn't have asked me out. I would still be lonely. Then it all spiralled downwards; I was constantly upset, cut myself too much, passed out a couple of times and couldn't sleep. The worst thing was, I couldn't tell Tom. I couldn't tell anyone. The last nightmare was..." I trailed off.

"I'm sorry," Julian said quietly, putting his hand on my shoulder. "But what happened with Tom after that?"

"We finished Christmas shopping at the park, and then he asked me what was wrong and I said nothing, and he didn't believe me. And I showed him the cuts...and...yeah." I didn't tell Julian about the last encounter we had. It was too hard.

I felt tears well up in my eyes. I was crying in front of a near complete stranger.

"Hey, its OK," Julian said softly. "You'll be fine once you get our of here, and - "

"But I don't think he could forgive me. Or he thinks its his fault that both girlfriends ended up hurt. I'm scared I'm bad luck and I'll just hurt him again." I fiddled with the hem of my jacket and sniffed.

Julian was silent while I regained my composure. "If he loves you, then he will want to stay by you." The word 'love' sent a chill down my spine.

"Now I'm just going on about myself," I said shyly.

"I don't mind," said Julian, looking out toward the fountain. "Let's just go inside - I'll introduce you to the others. Just promise me you'll have a good time, okay?"

I nodded and followed him back up to the house, feeling a little nervous at the prospect of meeting more people.

But Julian was one of the few real people I had met in my life.