The Only Way I Know

Julian led me into what looked to be a games room. In the middle was a pool table, surrounded by other kids, presumably around my age. Hesitantly walking forward behind Julian, I forced myself to act normal. I realised I was in no position to turn down friends.

"Guys - this is Jamie," Julian announced.

A chorus of 'hey's rang around the room. I gave a weak smile, forcing my hands deeper into my pockets.

"This is Amber," Julian said, pointing to a petite red head girl. "And that's Eddy " - he directed towards a tall guy with white blonde hair - "and thats Rochelle, but we call her Roshi." He pointed to an average-sized girl with light brown hair.

"Hi everyone," I said awkwardly. They didn't look like the friendliest people on earth, and yet I felt like I somehow fit in already.

"Hey Julian? You still owe me five quid for that round of pool you lost," Roshi said, threatening to hit him with the stick she was holding.

"Shut up." Julian rolled her eyes. "Know how to play pool, Jamie?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Hit ball in hole. Easy enough."

"I like it...a bit of attitude," said Eddy, taking a model pose and wiggling his eyebrows. "You free tonight, babe?" I could see the cheeky grin etched in his features.

"Pfft. Fuck off."

He grinned. "Ah well. Didn't work on Amber or Roshi either."

The red head rolled her eyes. "You try way too hard, Eddymeister."

I laughed - and found it a bit depressing that the only people who I felt comfortable with naturally were in a rehab centre.

For the remainder of the afternoon we hung around playing pool and mucking around. Before I knew it, we were being called for dinner. I followed Julian into the dining hall and sat down with my new friends. They were definitely a fierce bunch; Amber's parents believed she suffered from anorexia even though she hadn't, while Eddy had done drugs for a short while following his parents' divorce. Roshi ran away from home following her attempted suicide, only for the police to have caught her and sent her to Fernbrook.

Talking to these people made me realise that I wasn't alone in my condition - and people had it worse off than me. I got along with Roshi and Amber well - they were some of the most pleasant girls I had ever met, despite their problems. Eddy was an easy going guy with a good sense of humour, while Julian was willing to listen anytime, and understood your problems no matter what they were.

The bell rung at eight-thirty, signalling bet time. Bidding goodnight to my friends, I made my way into my room and flicked on the light swtich. I heard someone creeping around behind me - so I turned around sharply, only to realise it was Julian.

"You scared me!" I exclaimed, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Good," he said simply, following my gaze as I looked around my bare room. "Do you miss home?" he asked softly. How could he predict everything I was thinking?

"I don't know," I said helplessly. I was thinking about Tom more than anything. Would anything go back to the way it was? What I would give to hold his hand in mine...look into those deep emerald eyes, so full of intelligence, love and something in between...to press my lips against his...to tell him I was sorry...

"Let me guess...its not strictly about home, is it?" Julian's eyes gave me the feeling I was being x-rayed. I nodded.

"It's just lingering in the back of my mind. I don't think I'll be properly cured until he forgives me." I gave a long sigh.

"He should forgive you; but the sounds of it, he was scared. Scared of seeing you get hurt."

I wallowed in my own thoughts for a moment, debating whether or not to tell Julian what Tom said to me...and how I pushed him away...

No. I decided it hurt too much - nearly too much to even think about it properly.

"Oh no," Julian whispered. "They're doing the bedchecks. I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

I nodded, bidding him goodnight. He gave one last smile before closing the door. I climbed into bed without changing, tightly closing my eyes and praying for sleep.