The Only Way I Know
I Want You To Be Happy
Just get it over and done with.
But what if -
Just stop putting it off. Do it already!
But he'll -
Jamie, Jesus Christ. Just do it.
These thoughts swirling around my head, I continued looking over to where Tom sat. We were in music, and, of course, we weren't sitting together. Fortunately Jade wasn't in this class, otherwise the jealousy would have become unbearable.
Julian had advised to sort sort things out so I could move on. I knew nothing would go back to the way it was - Tom was with Jade now. I had to stop thinking I could take him back just like that. Instead I had to apologise, accept responsibility for my actions and hope we could at least be friends.
My eyes flew to the clock. 5...4...3...2...1. The bell rang, signifying the end of the lesson and the beginning of lunch. I shakily packed my things and tentatively followed Tom. He was walking away quickly, even though he hadn't seen me.
"Tom?" I called out, hoping it was loud enough for him to hear me.
Tom turned around, his face curious until his eyes met mine. his face instantly fized into a look of coldness. He raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Yes?" he asked, his voice oddly formal.
"Uh...I - I..." I stammered uncomfortably. His eyes narrowed ever so slightly. This gave me even more reason to sort this out. "Tom - "
"If you've come to get me back, you're wasting your time," he said coolly.
I opened my mouth in shock, about to reply, but he continued to speak.
"Obviously I'm not trustworthy enough. I was your boyfriend and you still couldn't tell me you were mutilating yourself like a teenie emo. And obviously you didn't have time while you were in rehab to call me and explain everything."
"How can you say that?" I exclaimed furiously, feeling the sudden urge to punch him in the face. "You know that I couldn't call you from rehab. You just wanted more to be angry at. In fact, nearly every minute I spent in rehab was dedicated to thinking of you. Do you know how much of a wreck I was? I couldn't talk to anyone."
"Oh yeah?" Tom asked, his eyes full of rage. "Who's that guy who's been waiting for you every afternoon? A nice little pal you made in rehab who's just as instable, troubled and emotional as you are - and he's the 'only one who understands'." He made a face.
I was stunned. Was this the same Tom I loved? "You don't understand!" I cried. "Julian does! I thought you did - but all you cared about was Rachel. I ws second. Once she died, and you got over it, I was conveniently here."
"How can you say that?" Tom asked incredulously. "That hurts just as much as it did when you told me that the first time. And now you've done it again." He gave me a sarcastic round of applause. He then stopped abruptly. "Oh no...I forgot...you mind might not be able to take it..."
Hot, angry tears prickled the back of my eyes. "You're just like them all. Jade and her group of jerks. I was just an excuse for you to go out with Miss Slut Queen. Do you know what they think of you? Say about you? They're hapless waterbuffalo, with no purpose whatsoever."
I felt oddly satisfied at the look on his face. "You know, Jamie, when I met you, you were different. Thats why I liked you. Everything about you. And when Rachel died, it was confirmed how I felt about you. I felt about you differently than I ever felt about Rachel. Or anyone else. I loved you. And I think I still do."
As I watched the tears form in his eyes the guilt worsened. My mind was blank.
"And I told you I loved you. What happens? You go into rehab." He laughed bitterly. "I've learnt my lesson. Love hurts."
Funnily enough, I had learn the same thing in rehab. I took in a ragged breath.
"If you think I feel not guilt or remorse over what I did, then you're sorely mistaken," I said, not stopping the quiet flow of tears down my cheeks. "And it hurts seeing you like this. And I can't be sorry enough. I have to wait for you to forgive me. Nothing'll be the same. All I can hope is whatever you do, you'll be happy."
Tom swallowed and looked at me for a few minutes. Then, without warning, he turned around and strode away.
Strode away from me, strode away from my life.
Well I could sleep forever
But it's of hurt I dream...
If I could sleep forever
I could forget about everything...
But what if -
Just stop putting it off. Do it already!
But he'll -
Jamie, Jesus Christ. Just do it.
These thoughts swirling around my head, I continued looking over to where Tom sat. We were in music, and, of course, we weren't sitting together. Fortunately Jade wasn't in this class, otherwise the jealousy would have become unbearable.
Julian had advised to sort sort things out so I could move on. I knew nothing would go back to the way it was - Tom was with Jade now. I had to stop thinking I could take him back just like that. Instead I had to apologise, accept responsibility for my actions and hope we could at least be friends.
My eyes flew to the clock. 5...4...3...2...1. The bell rang, signifying the end of the lesson and the beginning of lunch. I shakily packed my things and tentatively followed Tom. He was walking away quickly, even though he hadn't seen me.
"Tom?" I called out, hoping it was loud enough for him to hear me.
Tom turned around, his face curious until his eyes met mine. his face instantly fized into a look of coldness. He raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Yes?" he asked, his voice oddly formal.
"Uh...I - I..." I stammered uncomfortably. His eyes narrowed ever so slightly. This gave me even more reason to sort this out. "Tom - "
"If you've come to get me back, you're wasting your time," he said coolly.
I opened my mouth in shock, about to reply, but he continued to speak.
"Obviously I'm not trustworthy enough. I was your boyfriend and you still couldn't tell me you were mutilating yourself like a teenie emo. And obviously you didn't have time while you were in rehab to call me and explain everything."
"How can you say that?" I exclaimed furiously, feeling the sudden urge to punch him in the face. "You know that I couldn't call you from rehab. You just wanted more to be angry at. In fact, nearly every minute I spent in rehab was dedicated to thinking of you. Do you know how much of a wreck I was? I couldn't talk to anyone."
"Oh yeah?" Tom asked, his eyes full of rage. "Who's that guy who's been waiting for you every afternoon? A nice little pal you made in rehab who's just as instable, troubled and emotional as you are - and he's the 'only one who understands'." He made a face.
I was stunned. Was this the same Tom I loved? "You don't understand!" I cried. "Julian does! I thought you did - but all you cared about was Rachel. I ws second. Once she died, and you got over it, I was conveniently here."
"How can you say that?" Tom asked incredulously. "That hurts just as much as it did when you told me that the first time. And now you've done it again." He gave me a sarcastic round of applause. He then stopped abruptly. "Oh no...I forgot...you mind might not be able to take it..."
Hot, angry tears prickled the back of my eyes. "You're just like them all. Jade and her group of jerks. I was just an excuse for you to go out with Miss Slut Queen. Do you know what they think of you? Say about you? They're hapless waterbuffalo, with no purpose whatsoever."
I felt oddly satisfied at the look on his face. "You know, Jamie, when I met you, you were different. Thats why I liked you. Everything about you. And when Rachel died, it was confirmed how I felt about you. I felt about you differently than I ever felt about Rachel. Or anyone else. I loved you. And I think I still do."
As I watched the tears form in his eyes the guilt worsened. My mind was blank.
"And I told you I loved you. What happens? You go into rehab." He laughed bitterly. "I've learnt my lesson. Love hurts."
Funnily enough, I had learn the same thing in rehab. I took in a ragged breath.
"If you think I feel not guilt or remorse over what I did, then you're sorely mistaken," I said, not stopping the quiet flow of tears down my cheeks. "And it hurts seeing you like this. And I can't be sorry enough. I have to wait for you to forgive me. Nothing'll be the same. All I can hope is whatever you do, you'll be happy."
Tom swallowed and looked at me for a few minutes. Then, without warning, he turned around and strode away.
Strode away from me, strode away from my life.
Well I could sleep forever
But it's of hurt I dream...
If I could sleep forever
I could forget about everything...