The Only Way I Know

I sat there, frozen by the feeling on my lips. For a second I felt unable to move, until my senses finally kicked in. I pulled back, only to see Tom's innocent green eyes, full of regret, staring back at me.

I instinctively jumped up, forcing myself to focus. Tom said nothing; instead his eyes followed my every movement, his face slightly pale.

"I - have to - go..." I back away, trying desperately to stop stammering. My heart hammered against my ribcage in time with the music pounding away from inside. I spun around and hurried back inside to the stuffy house, unable to properly acknowledge everything around me.

The words Tom kissed me swirled inside my head like a hurricane - too fast to slearly think about, but too obvious to ignore.

I suddenly felt a hand grab my elbow, catching me by surprise. My heartbeat thumped harder at the possibility of it being Tom. Tom...outside...

"Jamie?" Julian's familiar voice allowed me to relax ever so slightly. His familiar blue eyes looked concernedly at my face. Seeing that familiarity....seeing the safety I usually had - it proved it did nothing. Julian couldn't protect me from everything...

"Jamie? What's wrong?" There was a note of panic in his voice. I wanted to cry: not just because Tom had kissed me, but because I couldn't speak at all, let alone tell Julian was had just happened. Saying what happened out aloud would mean it was real - something of which I couldn't bear to think about.

I yanked my arm out of his grip and ran down the short hallway, out the front door and into the freezing cold air, pushing everyone out of my way as I went. The blast of fresh air hit me suddenly - too suddenly. Everything around me began to swim dizzingly...

Julian caught me just before I nearly collapsed on the front step. I shook my head and regained my composure, walking forwards again onto the icy road.

"Jamie!" Julian cried, hurrying forward behind me. I kept my back to him, blinking back the tears.

My shoulders remained hunched forward, straining with the effort of not breaking down in tears. I felt him pull me off the road and onto the footpath as a car headed towards us.

I felt Julian's arm slip around my waist as he pulled me close, resting his head against mine. I took a shuddering breath and forced myself to calm down.

"What happened?" he asked softly, squeezing my hand.

I shook my head again, becoming angry at myself for not telling him.

"You can tell me, Jamie, I - "

"He kissed me."

"What?"

"Tom." I breathed in sharply, biting my lip to stop myself deflating the tyres of nearby cars at just the thought of that guy.

Julian pulled away, turning me around to face him. "What?! No, he didn't, Jamie, you're not even talking to him - "

My heart skipped a beat, trying deperately to remember when I had actually told Julian that me and Tom had made up.

I realised I had never told him.

"Jamie?" His face fell short at my silence. "You're talking to him?"

"I didn't even think to tell you...I forgot," I added stupidly. But it was true - the thought had never crossed my mind. Everytime I was with Julian, Tom conveniently slipped out of my mind. He held no real significance anymore...

"So you kissed him?" Even in the dark light, I could tell Julian was getting agitated.

"I didn't kiss him! He kissed me!" Angry tears pricked the back of my eyes, threatening to explode at any moment.

"What were you doing with him?"

"I went outside with him! He had no one to talk to, and neither did I. You were talking to other people I had never met!" The tears were falling thick and fast now, burning my cheeks.

I slumped down on the footpath, holding my face in my hands. Why didn't I do something about it? Tom kissed me. I should have punched him in the face. Beaten him to a pulp. Done something...

Julian crouched down beside me, pulling me into a hug and kissing me on the top of my head. "Ssh, Jamie, I'm sorry - "

"It's my fault," I cried, looking up and staring across the slippery road.

"No, its not," he said firmly, lifting up my chin so I was looking into his eyes. "I can't blame him for not wanting to let go, Jamie."

Any other guy would have gone and beaten Tom up. I was sure of it. But not Julian.

Because Julian wasn't like any other guy.