The Only Way I Know

I could feel tears threatening to escape from my eyes as I stormed out into the music courtyard. Slumping myself down on the park bench in front of the water feature, I felt my temper rise. Not only were Tom and Julian acting like ten year old boys, but the guy I loved was acting like a jerk.

With a sudden jolt I realised Julian wasn't as wonderful as I thought he was. I thought that Tom would be the one to lash out at him - but Julian was just as bad...

I gritted my teeth, forcing myself to count to ten and breathe. What did I expect? For Julian to act so reasonable after all Tom had done? After the fact that I still accepted Tom's apology?

Maybe Julian was just as scared as I was. That Tom was going to ruin everything.

Or worse, I was going to ruin everything.

But still, he didn't have to act like a complete jerk.

I could feel the tears stinging my eyes and slowly sliding down my face. I was scared. Scared that Julian was not everything that he seemed. Scared that I had no one else in this world besides him; scared that I was alone.

My hands slid through the roots of my hair, quivering slightly with rage. I was soon interrupted by Julian's voice - which sounded both guilty and ashamed.

"Jamie?"

I refused to lift my head, keeping my gaze directed to my lap. I felt him sit beside me, with an unusually icy tension between us. I tried desperately not to cry; I wasn't going to show much he had affected me.

"I'm sorry." I could hear his sigh. "I'm sorry I'm just as bad as he is. I'm sorry I tried to fix something that can't be fixed. I'm sorry."

My heart skipped a beat. "What do you mean, we can't fix this?" I asked in a small voice. I lifted my head, meeting his concerned gaze.

He sighed again. "That I thought I could be friends with him. That everything would be fine and dandy and we could be all friends."

"Why can't you be?" I asked angrily. "If I can forgive him for what he did to both you and me, why can't you both grow up and act your age?"

"I'm not you, Jamie." There was a hidden edge to his voice. He stared ahead, his jaw clenched.

"So you're a fake? You and everyone else in this cruel world. You're not willing to make an effort. You want me to yourself, you don't want Tom to have anything to do with me, and you're just as scared as I am." My words even shocked me. I held my breathe, ready for the explosion.

There was a pause.

"Everything you just said was right."

Julian continued to stare ahead, his thin face showing not the slightest hint of anger. Instead, his face was in a position of eerie calmness - and this scared me more than anything.

"I don't want you to have anything to do with him. I don't trust him."

I tried to reply, but somehow I couldn't find the right words to say.

"You're a forgiving person, Jamie, and that's why I love you."

I realised where I had seen this scene before - sitting on a bench, staring at a water fountain. Just like at rehab. Except then I was the one explaining my feelings for Tom. But now, Julian was the one explaining his feelings to me. In all this time, every word we conversed in was about my feelings. Not once had I asked how he felt about me and Tom. Or about me and Tom's history. It had always been about me, both at rehab and out.

I wanted to scream at him and tell him that wasn't right, I wanted to ask him to take it all back and pretend everything was alright. But it wasn't. And it never would be.

Julian inched closer to me, taking my hand and finally looking at me straight in the eyes. "Jamie, I - "

"I know what you're going to say Julian," I said quietly.

"What?"

"That I have to choose between the pair of you." I tried desperately not to cry; but I could feel the tears reforming in the corners of my eyes.

"And I know whoever you choose, you'll be making the right choice." He stood up, kissed me on the forehead and left.

I didn't know where Tom was, and nor did I want to know. He would just make everything even more complicated, somehow.

With a sudden lurch of homesickness, I wished I had never moved to England. I wished I still had Alex as a best friend, that Rachel and Tom were still together and that I had never met Julian. That everyone was a happy couple, and I was just the one by myself. Anything would have to have been more endurable than this. I ruined everyone else's lives. Rachel wouldn't have died, Alex would still want to talk to me and Julian wouldn't have to be with me.

As I left the school in a daze while a cold drizzle set in, I realised I was being chased by two of the worst and most amazing people I had ever met.