The Only Way I Know

I took the following day off school claiming I felt sick; but deep down I was feeling guilty, miserable and depressed. The house was quiet after Mum departed for work, just increasing my sense of isolation.

I had spoken to neither Tom or Julian after the horrible excuse for band practice. My insides felt terribly empty and cold. After flying so high for so long, I'd finally hit a low.

I lay in bed, curled in a ball while listening to the gentle pitter-patter of rain on glass. For once the weather matched my feelings.

Julian's words rung in my ears like a broken record. How could he make me choose? Did he expect me to choose him?

A horrible thought crossed my mind. Maybe he wanted us to end, and asked me to choose because he thought I'd choose Tom...?

But why did he want us to end? The last time we hung out, we chased each other in the rain...we had never fought before...

Maybe that was what was wrong. He was bored of me and my constant rants on my oh so terrible life.

How was I supposed to know what he was feeling? Half the time I was going on about how I felt or asking him for advice. I must be the worst girlfriend on earth. No wonder Julian got so pissed off at me.

I thought back to the old days back in Australia. When Mum and Dad loved each other. When me and Alex hung out every afternoon, watching cute guys walk past us at the mall. Or how I was so independent, and that I never had a boyfriend and wasn't so depserate for one.

I hadn't done so many things in so long. When was the last time I played my guitar for fun or hung out at the CD shop by myself? Cranked up Green Day so loud that the neighbours would complain?

Had I really become so involved with Julian that nothing else mattered?

I then thought of Alex. Sure, it wasn't just my fault that our friendship failed. But why didn't I try and fix things? I couldn't just wait for Alex to call and sort it all out.

How much had I actually changed?

I spotted my phone lying on the bedside table. I had to resolve this part of my life. I was going to straighten every little thing out.

My fingers dialled the ever so familiar phone number nervously. Alex's home phone rang once, twice, three times...until her mother answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Jamie," I said tentatively, forcing myself to speak clearly despite the fact my hands we shaking with nerves.

"Jamie! How are you? We thought you'd died!"

"Good thanks," I said, giving a hollow laugh. Some jokes really weren't funny, I thought bitterly. "Um, can I please speak to Alex?"

I began to nervously pull at the hem of my blanket as I waited for Alex. Within moments I heard Alex's familiar voice, all the way from the other side of the world.

"Hello?"

"Alex," I breathed, my brain seeming to freeze. Memories seemed to come flooding back in a huge rush. Her voice seemed to transport me back into time and back to Australia.

"Jamie?" Her voice suddenly turned very cool. "So you finally called?"

I took a deep breath. "Alex, I'm sorry - "

"Glad to hear it."

This was so hard over the phone. What I would've given to have Alex in front of me...

"Aren't you the least bit sorry at well?" I asked, feeling a surge of rage flood through me. "You don't know how hard it's been for me - "

"That's the thing, Jamie."

"What?"

"It's all about you, isn't it? Never mind me. It was just as hard on me when you moved away, you know."

I wanted to agree even if I didn't think she was right. Just so we could sort this out, and get it over and done with. But this had to be sorted out once and for all, the truth and nothing but the truth. My life was complicated enough as it was.

"Alex, will you let me explain?" I pleaded, running a hand through my hair and watching Joey sleep peacefully on the rug under my feet.

"Explain what? Why you're such a jerk face?"

"Alex!" I began to feel tears forming in my eyes. Never before had my best friend make me so angry and upset all at once.

She paused. "...Jamie?" Her voice had softened, and she sounded almost guilty. She sighed. "I'm sorry. It's just...different."

I returned the sigh, lying back down on my bed so I was staring at the white ceiling. "We have a lot to catch up on, don't we?"

"I'm here to listen," she said firmly, her tone of voice completely different to the one I had just heard. "Really. Tell me everything that's bugging you."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Okay, but this may take a while..." I launched into the story of my arrival in England. "So, I told you about Tom, right?"

"The CD shop guy?"

"Yes."

"Go on?"

I explained him and Rachel together, and how they were my best friends. Then Rachel's tragic death, her funeral and how I slipped into depression.

"And I spose our fight didn't help either," Alex said softly, giving a long sigh. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Jamie."

I wished I could hug her just like I used to. "I should be more sorry for not calling to apologise."

"Anyway, go on."

"Right." I went into the whole story of rehab. She was absolutely shocked, to put it simply.

"Jamie! Why ... ?" She couldn't even think of the right words to say.

"It's okay, really. I was an idiot and I stooped too low. I thought the world was against me."

"I'm sorry," she said again, sounding as though she really meant it. "But what happened next?"

"I met this guy Julian at rehab, and a few other people - and for the first time I felt like I really fit in. As in, really fit in, for the first time in a while. There was something about Julian; I don't know what it was...but - "

"Let me guess. Tom wasn't too happy about this?"

How did she do that?

"To put it simply, yes."

"And now you're friends with Julian?"

"Um, he's my boyfriend. Well, I think he is."

"Jamie!! You've never had a boyfriend before!"

"Ah don't rub it in. Tom was my boyfriend, for a period of about two days. When we were going out I forgot to tell him about the whole cutting thing and how I was having bizarro nightmares where he ran away from me. Anyway, yes. But that's the problem now. I came back from rehab and Tom was going out with this other girl, and then we became friend again - eventually - and then Julian asked me out. And so then it began. Tom was my friend, Julian was my boyfriend, and the two don't mix well."

"Jamie, are you some sort of guy magnet or what?" She sounded almost hysterical - and that to me, was something to be happy about. I couldn't stop myself from smiling.

"Alex, come on."

"Sorry. But then what happened?"

"Julian told me yesterday I had to choose between one of them. I think I'm not a very good girlfriend."

"Why's that?"

"Alex, this is me we're talking about. I'd have to be the highest-maintenance friend in the world. I'm too different."

"Jamie, if this Julian guy is as incredible as he sounds, then that shouldn't matter."

"I know. But I think he has his reasons for telling me to choose, as weird as it sounds. Look, all I've done to Julian is talk about my problems. He's just so different. I mean, Tom kissed me at a party when I was going out with Julian, and - "

"What?!"

"Never mind," I said impatiently. "It was nothing. But I expected Julian to ... I dunno... get angry. And he didn't. He just became more paranoid about me and Tom, I think."

"With good reason."

"I know," I said. "But what do I do?"

She sighed. "Jamie, just take a little time out from the pair of them. Hang out with yourself."

"Okay. But I want to stay friends with Tom, and Julian as my boyfriend."

"I know. And you should explain that to Julian. He'll understand."

"Are you sure?"

She laughed. "Jamie, I haven't even met the guy. But if Julian loves you, then he should understand. If he's so persistent in making you choose, then to hell with him. He should like you no matter who your friends are."

"Thanks, Alex," I said gratefully, feeling as though a huge weight had been lifted off my chest.

"Oh and Jamie, speaking from experience, don't cling onto his advice and go on about your problems." I could almost see her grinning. "Oh and don't bottle up your feelings like you did with Tom. Kay?"

"Okay," I laughed, my spirits lifting greatly. "So, what's been happening over there?"

She sighed. "I have to admit. It sucks here without you. But, on the bright side... we've sorted this out."

I laughed. "Yeah..."

We continued to talk for what seemed like hours, catching up on every little detail of the other person's life. Despite the whole situation with Julian and Tom, Alex had made me feel so much better.