The Only Way I Know

Thankfully, the next day meant the weekend – not school. I had a little more time to think things over, and to put it in Alex’s words, hang out with myself. The morning started with the old remedy. As I got dressed, none other than Green Day blasted from my stereo’s speakers. I played Insomniac – the first thing I had bought on my arrival in England.

“Cast out, buried in a hole…” It had been so long since I’d done something like this that the taste was sweet. When I was feeling upset, why hadn’t I turned to music to relieve the pain?

This question still unanswered, I padded downstairs, humming peacefully to myself as I stowed my beloved iPod within my jacket pocket. Mum was downstairs, as usual, sipping her coffee and reading the paper. She gave me a vacant smile as I quickly grabbed a bagel from the cupboard and strode past her.

“Going anywhere?”

“What? Oh…yeah. Just to the park.” I took a bite from the bagel, noting how plain it tasted. I went back to the kitchen, quickly spreading a thin layer of cream cheese on top.

“With Julian?” I could see her sly smile despite the fact I had my back to her.

“No,” I answered, heading back out in the direction of the front door. “By myself, thank you very much. Actually, Mum, could I have some money?”

She sighed, getting up and fetching some money from her purse. “Will you ever get your own job?”

“I don’t buy much stuff,” I said, taking the money and giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. But getting a job didn’t sound like a bad idea – at least I wouldn’t have to constantly ask for money every time I needed something.

“How long will you be gone?” Mum called out from behind me as I pulled on another coat and opened the front door.

“Probably the whole day. I’ll be back before dinner, don’t worry.” I gave a final wave, bracing myself for the usual blistery wind blowing around outside.

There was an unusual sense of freedom as I made my way down the main street – there was no Julian by my side, no nagging thought inside my head of Tom and Jade. Despite the confrontation with Julian I would soon have to face, my heart was light and free.

I soon found myself at the CD shop. Yet as I walked inside, memories of my arrival in England came flooding back. I could still remember my eyes laying upon Tom for the first time – his look of surprise which I took for arrogance as he saw I was buying Green Day, how I quickly stopped myself from thinking I had any future with him having never had a boyfriend before…and how those brilliant green eyes seemed to sparkle with something unusual.

But then there was the time I visited the store with Julian, and how much things had changed since I first met Tom there.

I shook my head, ridding myself from those disturbing thoughts and changing my path to where I found Insomniac. They had restocked their shelves since my last visit – and they were now full of every Green Day CD imaginable.

“I had them change their stocks to something a little more bearable…” A familiar voice from behind me seemed to drift over. Tom stood there, smiling, his arms laden with small boxes full of CDs.

“Do you need a hand?” I offered, taking a few of the boxes.

“Thanks,” Tom said gratefully, leading me to the back room. “Where were you yesterday?” he asked, his eyes looking concerned. We placed the boxes down on the ground, moving back to the main area of the store.

“I felt a bit sick,” I lied, noticing uncomfortably the way he seemed to know I wasn’t telling the entire truth. Neither of us wanted to bring up the events of the attempted band practice.

“Well, school was as boring as fuck without you,” he said. “I mean…”

I laughed. “Your boss can’t blame you for swearing in here. It comes with the job.”

He returned the smile. “So, um…I hope I didn’t ruin you and Julian…” his voice softened awkwardly, making me feel even more uncomfortable.

“No, you didn’t,” I replied, noticing how cold my voice sounded. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Well, he did, but so had I.

I felt an odd sense of déjà vu standing there, talking to Tom. It was like we had just met again, back in the CD shop.

“Look, Jamie, I’m sorry I was such an asshole the other day,” Tom said, rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding my gaze. “I haven’t exactly been the best friend in the world… what with the whole party thing and now this-“

“Forget it,” I said firmly, shaking my head. “It’s high time I took a time out myself.”

He glanced at the clock on the wall. “I have a break from my shift soon – we could go hang out?” I noticed the hopeful expression etched in his features, almost making me change my mind.

But instead, I held up a hand apologetically. “Look, Tom, I’ve got to have a break from all this – what with Julian not talking to me and – “

“Julian’s not talking to you?” Tom’s voice was surprised, to say the least.

“Yes, but that’s beside the point. I was just going to have a day by myself today… maybe another time we’ll hang out?”

Tom looked slightly crestfallen, but smiled nonetheless. “I understand. Sounds good, anyway. I’ll catch you later, Jame.”

“Bye,” I said, taking one last look at the CD racks before heading back outside into the mall courtyard. It was as if I was retracing my steps from my arrival in England…I could still remember sitting down at the mall and watching groups of kids my age hang around in groups, laughing and talking cheerfully.

Forcing myself to rid of these thoughts, I wrapped my jacket around my body a little tighter and made my way to the park. But as I walked against the strong wind, my head bowed, a sudden thought occurred to me. There was a place I hadn’t visited in a while, a part of my life that had been shoved away, hidden from further acknowledgement. I began to head in the direction of the cemetery, and back to Rachel’s grave.

It was as if I had only visited her grave yesterday; still the My Chemical Romance CD sat wrapped in plastic, beside the faded flowers that had been placed by fellow well-wishers. I swallowed, trying to hold back the emotion threatening to erupt at any time. Her tombstone still read exactly same; still stood exactly the same, isolated and lonely in the cold and deserted grounds.

I stood directly in front of her grave, trying to imagine what she would have said had she stuck around. Thought after thought crossed my mind, full of questions. What if she hadn’t died? Would I have met Julian, and would she and Tom have remained together? Would I still have slipped into depression?

I sat down on the cold earth, swallowing yet again and taking in a ragged breath. “I’m sorry it took me so long to visit, Rachel,” I whispered, continuing to stare at the stone as if she would reply. “I … it has been really bad without you.”

Still, no reply. I sounded so stupid, talking to the grave of someone I barely knew.

“I hope you’ve been watching over me and Tom,” I said awkwardly, clenching my fists and trying to stop myself from bursting into tears. What was there to cry about, though? She was long gone, and there was nothing I could do about it.

“I wish you never left,” I whispered, pulling at the long grass either side of me. “I’m sorry I messed things up so badly. What right did I have to be so depressed? You didn’t get to live the rest of your life, and then here I was cutting myself and being all upset over nothing.”

The wind continued to blow eerily, with no sign of a reply.

“Why can’t you hear me?” I asked angrily. “Why? Why can’t you make me realise how stupid I am? How much I hurt the people around me? I’ve ruined everything with Julian now because I was too stubborn to work hard and fix it. I keep thinking I can have them both. Tom and Julian. Why?”

Rachel remained quiet.

I took a deep breath, forcing myself to stop yelling at a stupid piece of concrete.

“Sorry,” I muttered, slumping back on the grass and not moving my gaze from her grave. “I’m sorry, Rachel. Sorry about everything. I’m sorry I’m taking my life for granted while you didn’t even have a chance.”

“I wish you were here,” I said quietly, continuing to pick at the grass. “I wish you could tell me to wake up and smell the roses. Am I being unfair to Tom? Or am I being an ass to Julian?”

With a sudden jolt, the answer came to be like an electric shock. That was the problem. All this time I had been searching for an answer, as if things would solve themselves. But life didn’t work that way… sometimes, you had to wait for it to happen. And then you had to fix it yourself. Like with me and Alex – sure, we had drifted apart. But I had to fix it if I wanted it back, and do my part to try and resolve the problem. And then there was me and Julian – he wasn’t going to go along and pretend everything was alright when it wasn’t. He told me what was wrong, and now it was my turn to do my part and fix what I was doing wrong.

I stood up, feeling tears of an unusual form begin to creep down my cheeks. I was crying because it took me so long to figure it out, and I had made life for those around me difficult.

“Rachel, thank you,” I whispered, wiping away the tears. “Thank you for this second chance. I’m sorry I screwed it up the first time.”

I paused, rearranging the CD on her grave and placing some dandelions from the grass beside it. “I’ll tell Tom you said hi,” I added, giving a smile. “Sorry the flowers aren’t very pretty.”

It was as if Rachel was laughing with me, happy that I had finally worked it out. Maybe I was just going insane, but Rachel seemed to still be around. Walking beside me, telling me to wake up to the situation.