The Only Way I Know

I spent the second day much like the first. The majority was spent on the swings at the park, absent-mindedly swinging back and forth while I just thought. No music, no distractions… all I did was think. About my past, about Tom and Julian - and even about my estranged father.

My faded Converse trailed in the woodchips while I swung. I tried to imagine speaking to Julian, word for word, and what his most likely reaction would be.

What if I told him that I was only going to stay friends with both of them? And that if he didn’t like that, then he would have to work out what was most important?

I could imagine his reply.

“Well, then Jamie, that’s the end of us.”

That sounded nothing like Julian… and that was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to be with him forever. He felt like the one, whatever the hell that meant.

I could tell him that I’d ditch Tom for him.

“That’s more like it. I’m glad you chose me.”

Who was I kidding? Julian would never say something like that either…

I sighed, kicking up the woodchips in frustration. Alex was right – either I had both of them as friends, or Julian and me broke up. Obviously he couldn’t make me choose, and I didn’t want to either. And if he loved me, then he should be able to respect my opinion.

My phone remained tightly enclosed in my hand. There had been no calls or texts from Julian since Thursday afternoon – suggesting that he was waiting for me to make my decision.

Nervously my hands tapped out Julian’s number. I held the phone tensely beside my ear, each ring of his phone only making me more anxious.

“Hello?” Julian’s familiar voice made me miss him even more. Two days apart, and already I wanted to be by his side again.

“It’s me.”

“Oh…hey, Jamie.” His voice softened, giving me a boost of confidence in order to sort this out.

“I’m ready to talk,” I said quietly, biting my lip and staring at the ground. “I – “

“Not here,” Julian said firmly. “Look, where are you?”

“I’m at the park…I can meet you in town…?”

“No it’s okay I’ll meet you there.”

“Okay.” We hung up awkwardly.

I realised I had been holding my breath during the entire conversation. I released the air slowly, trying to calm my increasing nerves. I was only talking to Julian…why was I scared?

Because you’re scared of losing him.

I shook away that horrible thought. Julian would have to understand, otherwise he wasn’t worth it…

But I was still terrified he would break it off. No matter how many times I try to convince myself everything was okay, deep down I knew it wasn’t – and that there was a possibility this whole time Julian had been leading me on. Capturing my heart so I fell so far for him…and then with a click of the fingers breaking it off and leaving me feeling like it was my fault.

“Jamie?”

I looked up to see Julian standing in front of me, his hands shoved deep in his jeans pockets. I stood up, awkwardly moving towards him.

“Julian, I…” I didn’t know where to start.

“Jamie, I’m sorry I’ve made it so hard for you…”

“I’m sorry,” I said softly, directing my eyes toward his familiar ones. “But you have to understand, I can’t choose between you two. Not because I’m madly in love with you both. I’m madly in love with you, and I can’t bear to lose you. I would never betray you for Tom. Never. You’re my one and only, Julian.”

He reached out to stroke my cheek, sending tingles down my spine. “I know – but everytime I see you with him – it – it – I can’t trust him with you, Jame.”

“I know. But you can trust me,” I said fiercely. I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to say it, but I had to. I had to tell him – even if he would dump me for it. “Julian, either you take me and Tom, or no one at all.” There. I had said it.

Julian sighed. “How did I know you would say that?”

“Because you’re an amazing person and you read me like a book. I’m sorry I’ve wasted my time telling you all about my terrible life when I should have listened to what you were feeling. I took your willingness to listen for granted and forgot that you had a view on things, too.”

Julian was silent for a moment. When he spoke, his voice was questioning. “So…you’re choosing…both of us?”

I nodded. “But Tom is my friend, and only my friend. If ever you doubt that, tell me. I can’t read minds like you can.”

Julian smiled. And like the first time I saw him smile at rehab, it seemed that when Julian smiled, the whole world smiled with him. Because it was infectious, and because he had that aurora about him. He wasn’t like everyone else. He was Julian, the one and only.

“So…are we –“

“How could I ever have doubted you, Jamie?” Julian asked softly, stepping forward and pressing his lips against mine.

“I’m sorry I made you doubt me,” I replied sincerely, looping his hand in mine and feeling as though I had never loved someone as much as I loved the boy in front of me.

But I never had loved someone more than him – and never had someone loved me so much back.

All I could hope is that this feeling would last forever.