The Only Way I Know
He'll Just Be A Memory
It seemed like I would never be able to fly so high for so long again without something terrible happening. Every other time I had felt at peace with myself, with the world, something would screw up. It wasn’t fair.
And Tom was leaving. Tom. Tom, who had befriended me when I thought all was lost. Tom, who stuck by me through thick and thin, no matter how hard it was for him. Tom, who I thought I would be around forever.
It just went to show that I expected the world to revolve around me, when it so clearly didn’t.
Tom couldn’t be leaving. How could he go to a school somewhere else? How could he get a job somewhere else? How could he make friends somewhere else? Everything I knew about him lay in where he was, London, and it seemed impossible to change.
He had a week and a few days left. It had taken him an entire month to tell me what was wrong. He had left it so late; so now I had barely anytime to say goodbye.
Goodbye. It was so permanent. It wasn’t a ‘See you later!’ or a ‘Til next time’. It was just had. A goodbye. A farewell. Bon voyage. Whatever I wanted to call it – he was leaving. And I didn’t even know when I’d see him again.
That afternoon was the worst I’d had in a long time. Not because he was leaving me, but because Tom didn’t want to leave. His eyes were shining with tears, his body remained stiff as I pulled him into a hug.
I wanted to feel angry at him for not telling me sooner; but I couldn’t. Seeing him upset was enough to make me feel terrible for being so selfish. He had to leave against his own will to follow his family away from here.
As we walked home in what was the pouring rain, we made arrangements for that weekend. To hang out, to make the most of what we had left. He would be leaving the weekend after next, leaving us such little precious time.
Tom walked me to my door. The rain was no distraction from my broken and disturbed thoughts. As he looked over my face with those ever brilliant eyes, I realised how our time together was now limited.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” he asked softly, reluctantly letting go of my hand.
I nodded, unable to speak for fear my voice would childishly wobble and crumble in front of him as I broke down in tears. He gave a sad smile, turning his back on me and making his way back out onto the street.
I watched him walk away into the darkness until I couldn’t see him, ignoring the steady pounding of ice cold rain on top of my head. When the cold became all too much I finally opened up the front door and made my way upstairs, ignoring the dinner laid out on the table for me.
I could still remember coming into my bedroom for the first time when I arrived the previous year. I had dumped my things and headed back downstairs and out into the town and to the CD shop.
I saw Tom for the first time, getting pissed off because I thought I saw him give my Green Day CD a dirty look.
Then I sat beside him up the back in English and didn’t realise it was him until his green eyes met mine again; he liked Green Day and immediately impressed me.
The following morning he greeted me at my locker with a brown-haired girl with eyeliner. My heart plummeted when I realised he was taken, even though I knew I had no chance.
We grew closer, Rachel, him and I; then with the tragic death of Rachel, his world was rocked apart, and so was mine…
He asked me out, I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I counted myself too lucky and ruined it all, slipping into depression and ruining his life again.
I came back and he was gone from my life like he had existed there previously.
Now it seemed to be happening all over again, but he was the one leaving me.
And Tom was leaving. Tom. Tom, who had befriended me when I thought all was lost. Tom, who stuck by me through thick and thin, no matter how hard it was for him. Tom, who I thought I would be around forever.
It just went to show that I expected the world to revolve around me, when it so clearly didn’t.
Tom couldn’t be leaving. How could he go to a school somewhere else? How could he get a job somewhere else? How could he make friends somewhere else? Everything I knew about him lay in where he was, London, and it seemed impossible to change.
He had a week and a few days left. It had taken him an entire month to tell me what was wrong. He had left it so late; so now I had barely anytime to say goodbye.
Goodbye. It was so permanent. It wasn’t a ‘See you later!’ or a ‘Til next time’. It was just had. A goodbye. A farewell. Bon voyage. Whatever I wanted to call it – he was leaving. And I didn’t even know when I’d see him again.
That afternoon was the worst I’d had in a long time. Not because he was leaving me, but because Tom didn’t want to leave. His eyes were shining with tears, his body remained stiff as I pulled him into a hug.
I wanted to feel angry at him for not telling me sooner; but I couldn’t. Seeing him upset was enough to make me feel terrible for being so selfish. He had to leave against his own will to follow his family away from here.
As we walked home in what was the pouring rain, we made arrangements for that weekend. To hang out, to make the most of what we had left. He would be leaving the weekend after next, leaving us such little precious time.
Tom walked me to my door. The rain was no distraction from my broken and disturbed thoughts. As he looked over my face with those ever brilliant eyes, I realised how our time together was now limited.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” he asked softly, reluctantly letting go of my hand.
I nodded, unable to speak for fear my voice would childishly wobble and crumble in front of him as I broke down in tears. He gave a sad smile, turning his back on me and making his way back out onto the street.
I watched him walk away into the darkness until I couldn’t see him, ignoring the steady pounding of ice cold rain on top of my head. When the cold became all too much I finally opened up the front door and made my way upstairs, ignoring the dinner laid out on the table for me.
I could still remember coming into my bedroom for the first time when I arrived the previous year. I had dumped my things and headed back downstairs and out into the town and to the CD shop.
I saw Tom for the first time, getting pissed off because I thought I saw him give my Green Day CD a dirty look.
Then I sat beside him up the back in English and didn’t realise it was him until his green eyes met mine again; he liked Green Day and immediately impressed me.
The following morning he greeted me at my locker with a brown-haired girl with eyeliner. My heart plummeted when I realised he was taken, even though I knew I had no chance.
We grew closer, Rachel, him and I; then with the tragic death of Rachel, his world was rocked apart, and so was mine…
He asked me out, I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I counted myself too lucky and ruined it all, slipping into depression and ruining his life again.
I came back and he was gone from my life like he had existed there previously.
Now it seemed to be happening all over again, but he was the one leaving me.