Entirely Guilty by Design
Five
matt: no what? you aren’t going to tell me that i just told you everything that i’ve been feeling (which i never do to anyone, especially not people i don’t know) just to have you not believe me?
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : Oh Matt. I believe you; I just don't believe what's happening. Think about it for a second.
matt: what do you think i’ve been doing for the last couple of days? going out like bert? spending time with my family like martin? recording like josh? you think it’s fucked for you? what am i supposed to tell everyone?
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : You don't need to tell anyone anything.
matt: i know
matt: you do know what it is that i’m talking about right?
That we’re soul mates? That’s what I was thinking. Was it what he was thinking though?
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : I'm pretty sure
matt: i want to let it drop so you can go to bed but i’m scared you won’t come back
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : First of all, I'm not going to bed, second of all, nothing would stop me from coming back
matt: how are you even still here? aren’t you freaked out by this?
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : How am I not here? How are you here? You're telling all this to a random fan girl.
matt: i don’t know why i’m telling you this but i figured i had nothing to lose
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : You're joking. Now I have nothing to lose. You have everything to lose.
matt: the only everything i had to lose by talking to you was you
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : *Hug* Awe Matt. I don't know what to say.
matt: i know nothing about you but i just can’t not give it a try
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : Give what a try?
matt: don’t make me try to explain it
I wiped the tears from my eyes and shook my head. How was I supposed to know what it was that he was saying if he wouldn’t tell me? I looked at the clock to see that it was almost 5AM. I was going to get killed if I got caught up at this hour.
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : Look I NEED to go to bed before my mom gets up and kills me.
matt: go to bed than. I’ll email you in the morning
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : Ok.
matt: goodnight
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : Goodnight
He logged off, and I smiled. I was going to bed feeling a lot less alone than I have in a while that night. Knowing, well more like guessing, that he felt it too and that he thought of me just as much as I thought of him made me feel like I had finally found my place in the world. I said goodnight to Raine, who had stayed up all night to help me through the disaster called Matt Warner, and went to bed.
The next day I woke up smiling. I cuddled into the form that was sleeping next to me and sighed. After a couple of minutes of this, I sat up with a jolt to find myself in my room, alone. It wasn’t a person that I was cuddling with, but my green and purple body pillow. I sat there staring at it until I felt the tears prickling my eyes, threatening to fall. I blinked hard and shook my head. It was a dream, nothing but a dream. I let my heart take the best of me and it took over my head, making me believe things that could never happen.
I got out of bed and made my way to the computer room, hoping that maybe I was just in denial and that the night before had really happened. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was already 11AM. I didn’t have much time before I had to go to work. My heart raced when I realized that last night actually did happen. I didn’t need to check my chat log or my emails to figure that out. I rubbed my eyes, now fully awake, and logged onto MSN. I had 1 unread message, and it was from him. I sucked in a breath and clicked on it.
good morning :) i told you i would email you. i won’t be online today because i’m spending time with my family before i have to leave and bert is taking me drinking so don’t wait up for me, go to sleep. see you
I let the air rush out of my lungs and bit my lip. Knowing that he was going drinking did not make me happy. I knew I couldn’t control what he did with his time, and I guess he’d been over the legal age for a while, but it still made my heart sink.
I should probably explain myself: My last ex, Drake, was a drinker. Actually, he was a drug user AND a drinker. He spent most of his time smoking up and getting wasted, never showing up when he said he would, and totally forgetting that I existed. I loved him, well, I thought I did, and I was stupid enough to think that he loved me too. After a while, I decided that he wasn’t worth it, so I left him. Even though he was out of my life, alcohol was still always in front of my eyes. My mom and her new boyfriend were always drinking, trying to escape a reality that was too much to face. What was it that they were running away from? I don’t know, but it must have been pretty horrible.
I started typing: :) Hey there! Uhm well just wanted to let you know that I hope you're having fun with your family and that you better be online tomorrow. I finish work at 5:30 my time, so that'll be what? 1:30 yours?
Well anyways, you can just reply to this when you get the chance, and don't worry, I'm going to go to sleep tonight even though I'd rather wait up for you...
And thanks for actually sending me a message. It made me happy when I woke up and saw it. I miss you; I wish you were here to bug me XD
I clicked the send button and turned off the computer. I started running around the house, getting all of my stuff, and changing so fast I’m surprised I didn’t put my pants on backwards. I got to work and sat down at the ticket booth, sighing. The day went by uneventfully, and so did the night.
When I woke up to my alarm clock’s screams, I groaned. I so did not want to go to work. I changed into my uniform and drove myself to the theater. I got there at 11:30 with 15 minutes to kill so I walked to the break room and waved at Raine whom I was delighted to see was going to be working with me today.
‘’Morning.’ I smiled and sat down on the hard plastic chair.
‘Hey, how’d you sleep last night?’ She grinned and I rolled my eyes.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Oh, you know.’ Her grin widened. ‘Fuck Sky, Matt Warner?’ She added when I didn’t say anything. I could see the question in her eyes, so I answered.
‘No, I didn’t talk to him yesterday, but he did send me an email.’
‘And?’
‘And what? I responded?’
‘Did he respond to your response?’ She asked, chuckling.
‘I don’t know, I didn’t have time to check this morning. I guess I could do that now...’ I took out my phone and smiles when I saw that he did.
‘I’m guessing he did?’
I nodded and starting reading.
i DID have fun with my family! and i will be online tonight because it’ll probably be the last time i can talk to you for a while :( we're leaving pretty soon. thank you for going to sleep lol i don’t want you to have sleep deprivation because of me, although you're the reason that I’M not sleeping. sorry if that was too much :P you're welcome. it made me happy to make you happy, and i miss you too
i might be able to bug you sooner that we thought
talk to you latter :)
I handed her my phone and laughed when I saw her eyes widening.
‘Wow Sky, this guy is totally smitten. I never really believed in soul mates before, but if this isn’t it, then I don’t know what is.’
‘I know what you mean.’ I checked my watch and saw that it was time for work.
The day went by faster than I thought it would. Raine and I spent most of the time talking about Matt and what we thought was going to happen. 5:30 came and went, and soon I was on my way home. My sister was on the computer when I got there, and told me I could have it at 9. I set my alarm for 8:50 and took a nap.
It was 9 o’clock, and I was logging on to MSN, feeling nervous and excited. The second I was online, a pop-up informed me that I got an IM.
matt: :)
|| Sky ||: Heyy
matt: have fun at work?
|| Sky ||: Oh yes, loads. What about you? What did you do today?
matt: i hung out with josh and his gf for a while and then i went to visit my parents
|| Sky ||: Sounds like fun
matt: it was pretty rad
|| Sky || : Well that's good? Lol
matt: yup
|| Sky || : I don't know what to talk about...
matt: neither do i but i do have some kinda bad news
|| Sky || : What it is?
matt: i leave in a couple days
|| Sky || : Oh, yeah I know
matt: that means i’m going to be online less often
|| Sky || : Yeah..
|| Sky || : But you could send me emails or whatever, right?
matt: i could do that
|| Sky || : Ok...
A half an hour went by without anything being said. I didn’t want to say anything in case he was busy, but I was going crazy knowing that he was right there on the other side of his computer screen. My stomach started growling, and I smiled knowing that it was because I hadn’t eaten all day. I started thinking that maybe I could let myself go get a piece of that pizza, considering that I’d been good today, but I never got to decide.
matt: what are you thinking about?
|| Sky || : If I should go get some food, and other stuff
matt: oh, what’s the other stuff
|| Sky || : Work, and mostly you
matt: that was honest
|| Sky || : Lol well I didn't think I had a reason to NOT be honest with you
matt: you don’t. you can tell me anything
I chuckled, knowing that even if he hadn’t told me that, I would have probably told him anything anyways. He made me feel good about myself, he made me feel wanted.
|| Sky || : Thanks, and you can tell ME anything
matt: yeah
|| Sky || : Hey Matt, can I ask you something?
matt: you can ask me anything
|| Sky || : What are we supposed to do now? I mean...I'm still a little confused about what it is that's going on...
matt: i don’t know
|| Sky || : That's what I thought
matt: let’s just get to know each other
|| Sky || : Ok
matt: so tell me about yourself
|| Sky || : What do you want to know?
matt: anything
|| Sky || : Uhm..Ok..Well I love to draw and read, I'm an animal lover, I like to watch movies and hang out with friends? I also love starbucks. What about you?
matt: i like sunglasses and spheres
When I read that I started laughing and couldn’t stop. How random could he get?
|| Sky || : LOL What? You're a strange one, Matt Warner.
matt: i know
matt: you're so far away
|| Sky || : Oh Matt.
matt: what? i shouldn’t have said that should i?
|| Sky || : You're so silly, I just don't know what to respond when you say things like that
matt: oh lol
|| Sky || : Urgh, why do YOU have to be so far away?
matt: i think it has to do with life sucking
|| Sky || : Lol life doesn't suck THAT bad
‘I mean, I met you didn’t I?’
matt: i have to go :( the guys want me to go out with them tonight
|| Sky || : Oh Ok, have fun
matt: don’t stay up and wait for me
|| Sky || : Ok...Will I talk to you tomorrow?
matt: i hope so. if not then sunday for sure
|| Sky || : I'll miss you...
matt: i already miss bugging you
|| Sky || : Lol you don't bug me! And I'll take that as a "I'll miss you too"
matt: i’ll just have to try harder next time lol talk to you soon
I was going to say goodbye when a flash of panic washed over me. I didn’t know what was happening, but I was so scared to lose him that I freaked out.
|| Sky || : Matt?
matt: what is it?
|| Sky || : I don't know what I was going to say... I just don't want you to leave so soon
matt: i really have to go before josh kills me
|| Sky || : Ok...bye Matt
matt: i’ll email you when i get home. talk to you later and try to get some sleep this time
|| Sky || : Ok, miss you
matt: miss you too
He logged off and I smiled. I was so happy that I had met someone like him that I couldn’t contain myself. I stayed up for a while, showing Raine the cute things that he had said and laughing when she reacted quite the same way I did when I read them. I went to bed at a decent hour, deciding that I’d listen to Matt and get some sleep. I hoped that I would wake up to another email.
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : Oh Matt. I believe you; I just don't believe what's happening. Think about it for a second.
matt: what do you think i’ve been doing for the last couple of days? going out like bert? spending time with my family like martin? recording like josh? you think it’s fucked for you? what am i supposed to tell everyone?
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : You don't need to tell anyone anything.
matt: i know
matt: you do know what it is that i’m talking about right?
That we’re soul mates? That’s what I was thinking. Was it what he was thinking though?
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : I'm pretty sure
matt: i want to let it drop so you can go to bed but i’m scared you won’t come back
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : First of all, I'm not going to bed, second of all, nothing would stop me from coming back
matt: how are you even still here? aren’t you freaked out by this?
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : How am I not here? How are you here? You're telling all this to a random fan girl.
matt: i don’t know why i’m telling you this but i figured i had nothing to lose
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : You're joking. Now I have nothing to lose. You have everything to lose.
matt: the only everything i had to lose by talking to you was you
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : *Hug* Awe Matt. I don't know what to say.
matt: i know nothing about you but i just can’t not give it a try
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : Give what a try?
matt: don’t make me try to explain it
I wiped the tears from my eyes and shook my head. How was I supposed to know what it was that he was saying if he wouldn’t tell me? I looked at the clock to see that it was almost 5AM. I was going to get killed if I got caught up at this hour.
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : Look I NEED to go to bed before my mom gets up and kills me.
matt: go to bed than. I’ll email you in the morning
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : Ok.
matt: goodnight
|| Sky || Just give me a moment to restart my heart || : Goodnight
He logged off, and I smiled. I was going to bed feeling a lot less alone than I have in a while that night. Knowing, well more like guessing, that he felt it too and that he thought of me just as much as I thought of him made me feel like I had finally found my place in the world. I said goodnight to Raine, who had stayed up all night to help me through the disaster called Matt Warner, and went to bed.
The next day I woke up smiling. I cuddled into the form that was sleeping next to me and sighed. After a couple of minutes of this, I sat up with a jolt to find myself in my room, alone. It wasn’t a person that I was cuddling with, but my green and purple body pillow. I sat there staring at it until I felt the tears prickling my eyes, threatening to fall. I blinked hard and shook my head. It was a dream, nothing but a dream. I let my heart take the best of me and it took over my head, making me believe things that could never happen.
I got out of bed and made my way to the computer room, hoping that maybe I was just in denial and that the night before had really happened. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was already 11AM. I didn’t have much time before I had to go to work. My heart raced when I realized that last night actually did happen. I didn’t need to check my chat log or my emails to figure that out. I rubbed my eyes, now fully awake, and logged onto MSN. I had 1 unread message, and it was from him. I sucked in a breath and clicked on it.
good morning :) i told you i would email you. i won’t be online today because i’m spending time with my family before i have to leave and bert is taking me drinking so don’t wait up for me, go to sleep. see you
I let the air rush out of my lungs and bit my lip. Knowing that he was going drinking did not make me happy. I knew I couldn’t control what he did with his time, and I guess he’d been over the legal age for a while, but it still made my heart sink.
I should probably explain myself: My last ex, Drake, was a drinker. Actually, he was a drug user AND a drinker. He spent most of his time smoking up and getting wasted, never showing up when he said he would, and totally forgetting that I existed. I loved him, well, I thought I did, and I was stupid enough to think that he loved me too. After a while, I decided that he wasn’t worth it, so I left him. Even though he was out of my life, alcohol was still always in front of my eyes. My mom and her new boyfriend were always drinking, trying to escape a reality that was too much to face. What was it that they were running away from? I don’t know, but it must have been pretty horrible.
I started typing: :) Hey there! Uhm well just wanted to let you know that I hope you're having fun with your family and that you better be online tomorrow. I finish work at 5:30 my time, so that'll be what? 1:30 yours?
Well anyways, you can just reply to this when you get the chance, and don't worry, I'm going to go to sleep tonight even though I'd rather wait up for you...
And thanks for actually sending me a message. It made me happy when I woke up and saw it. I miss you; I wish you were here to bug me XD
I clicked the send button and turned off the computer. I started running around the house, getting all of my stuff, and changing so fast I’m surprised I didn’t put my pants on backwards. I got to work and sat down at the ticket booth, sighing. The day went by uneventfully, and so did the night.
When I woke up to my alarm clock’s screams, I groaned. I so did not want to go to work. I changed into my uniform and drove myself to the theater. I got there at 11:30 with 15 minutes to kill so I walked to the break room and waved at Raine whom I was delighted to see was going to be working with me today.
‘’Morning.’ I smiled and sat down on the hard plastic chair.
‘Hey, how’d you sleep last night?’ She grinned and I rolled my eyes.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Oh, you know.’ Her grin widened. ‘Fuck Sky, Matt Warner?’ She added when I didn’t say anything. I could see the question in her eyes, so I answered.
‘No, I didn’t talk to him yesterday, but he did send me an email.’
‘And?’
‘And what? I responded?’
‘Did he respond to your response?’ She asked, chuckling.
‘I don’t know, I didn’t have time to check this morning. I guess I could do that now...’ I took out my phone and smiles when I saw that he did.
‘I’m guessing he did?’
I nodded and starting reading.
i DID have fun with my family! and i will be online tonight because it’ll probably be the last time i can talk to you for a while :( we're leaving pretty soon. thank you for going to sleep lol i don’t want you to have sleep deprivation because of me, although you're the reason that I’M not sleeping. sorry if that was too much :P you're welcome. it made me happy to make you happy, and i miss you too
i might be able to bug you sooner that we thought
talk to you latter :)
I handed her my phone and laughed when I saw her eyes widening.
‘Wow Sky, this guy is totally smitten. I never really believed in soul mates before, but if this isn’t it, then I don’t know what is.’
‘I know what you mean.’ I checked my watch and saw that it was time for work.
The day went by faster than I thought it would. Raine and I spent most of the time talking about Matt and what we thought was going to happen. 5:30 came and went, and soon I was on my way home. My sister was on the computer when I got there, and told me I could have it at 9. I set my alarm for 8:50 and took a nap.
It was 9 o’clock, and I was logging on to MSN, feeling nervous and excited. The second I was online, a pop-up informed me that I got an IM.
matt: :)
|| Sky ||: Heyy
matt: have fun at work?
|| Sky ||: Oh yes, loads. What about you? What did you do today?
matt: i hung out with josh and his gf for a while and then i went to visit my parents
|| Sky ||: Sounds like fun
matt: it was pretty rad
|| Sky || : Well that's good? Lol
matt: yup
|| Sky || : I don't know what to talk about...
matt: neither do i but i do have some kinda bad news
|| Sky || : What it is?
matt: i leave in a couple days
|| Sky || : Oh, yeah I know
matt: that means i’m going to be online less often
|| Sky || : Yeah..
|| Sky || : But you could send me emails or whatever, right?
matt: i could do that
|| Sky || : Ok...
A half an hour went by without anything being said. I didn’t want to say anything in case he was busy, but I was going crazy knowing that he was right there on the other side of his computer screen. My stomach started growling, and I smiled knowing that it was because I hadn’t eaten all day. I started thinking that maybe I could let myself go get a piece of that pizza, considering that I’d been good today, but I never got to decide.
matt: what are you thinking about?
|| Sky || : If I should go get some food, and other stuff
matt: oh, what’s the other stuff
|| Sky || : Work, and mostly you
matt: that was honest
|| Sky || : Lol well I didn't think I had a reason to NOT be honest with you
matt: you don’t. you can tell me anything
I chuckled, knowing that even if he hadn’t told me that, I would have probably told him anything anyways. He made me feel good about myself, he made me feel wanted.
|| Sky || : Thanks, and you can tell ME anything
matt: yeah
|| Sky || : Hey Matt, can I ask you something?
matt: you can ask me anything
|| Sky || : What are we supposed to do now? I mean...I'm still a little confused about what it is that's going on...
matt: i don’t know
|| Sky || : That's what I thought
matt: let’s just get to know each other
|| Sky || : Ok
matt: so tell me about yourself
|| Sky || : What do you want to know?
matt: anything
|| Sky || : Uhm..Ok..Well I love to draw and read, I'm an animal lover, I like to watch movies and hang out with friends? I also love starbucks. What about you?
matt: i like sunglasses and spheres
When I read that I started laughing and couldn’t stop. How random could he get?
|| Sky || : LOL What? You're a strange one, Matt Warner.
matt: i know
matt: you're so far away
|| Sky || : Oh Matt.
matt: what? i shouldn’t have said that should i?
|| Sky || : You're so silly, I just don't know what to respond when you say things like that
matt: oh lol
|| Sky || : Urgh, why do YOU have to be so far away?
matt: i think it has to do with life sucking
|| Sky || : Lol life doesn't suck THAT bad
‘I mean, I met you didn’t I?’
matt: i have to go :( the guys want me to go out with them tonight
|| Sky || : Oh Ok, have fun
matt: don’t stay up and wait for me
|| Sky || : Ok...Will I talk to you tomorrow?
matt: i hope so. if not then sunday for sure
|| Sky || : I'll miss you...
matt: i already miss bugging you
|| Sky || : Lol you don't bug me! And I'll take that as a "I'll miss you too"
matt: i’ll just have to try harder next time lol talk to you soon
I was going to say goodbye when a flash of panic washed over me. I didn’t know what was happening, but I was so scared to lose him that I freaked out.
|| Sky || : Matt?
matt: what is it?
|| Sky || : I don't know what I was going to say... I just don't want you to leave so soon
matt: i really have to go before josh kills me
|| Sky || : Ok...bye Matt
matt: i’ll email you when i get home. talk to you later and try to get some sleep this time
|| Sky || : Ok, miss you
matt: miss you too
He logged off and I smiled. I was so happy that I had met someone like him that I couldn’t contain myself. I stayed up for a while, showing Raine the cute things that he had said and laughing when she reacted quite the same way I did when I read them. I went to bed at a decent hour, deciding that I’d listen to Matt and get some sleep. I hoped that I would wake up to another email.