Careless

Two children, a boy and a girl, ran across the large and green backyard, a black dog chasing after them. The little blonde girl, who wore her hair in pigtails, giggled when the dog tackled her to the ground, her green dress getting dirty in the process.

"Sparky, stop licking my face!" she commanded the dog, her high pitched voice trying to sound serious.

"Sparky!" yelled the curly haired little boy, his hands on his waist, foot tapping. He stuck his chubby hands out once the dog ran away and smiled at the little blonde girl. "Come on Ella! Hurry while Sparky's distracted," he encouraged her excitedly.

The little girl named Ella smiled widely and took the boy's hand gratefully and was lifted up with some struggle. "Let's play a game, Sid!" she said happily and clapped her hands together. She took his chubby hand and led him to the swings. "Will you push me?" she asked, her big blue eyes staring into Sid's brown ones.

He smiled widely and stood behind Ella, who was contently sitting on the yellow swings. "Do you have to move?" he asked sadly as he pushed the little girl.

Ella nodded, her hair swaying with the wind. "Mommy and Daddy said that they can't live with Grandma and Grandpa anymore. Besides, I'll visit as much as I can," she reassured her friend.

She then told Sid to stop pushing as she tried to wiggle out of the swing. "I bet you I can jump!" she yelled, her voice daring and brave.

Sid shook his head and looked at his friend worriedly. "No! You'll get hurt!" he warned her and closed his eyes as she jumped, giggling, out of the swing as it was high in the air. The next thing he heard was his dear friend crying loudly on the ground. "Ella!"

He ran to her side, Ella cradling her bleeding knew and elbow. Sid looked at her worriedly and wondered what he was supposed to do. She screamed for her father, face wet with all the fallen tears.

"Daddy!" she called for her father. "Daddy!"

"Ella?"

Ella opened her eyes and saw her father standing above both children, looking at his daughter. "Daddy, it hurts," she whimpered.

"Come here, Pretty Girl," Elliot said fondly, using the nickname he gave her, and picked her up. "You'll be fine Pretty Girl. Sid, why don't you run ahead and tell Norma that Ella got hurt."

Sid nodded and ran determinedly into the house.

Sniffling and whimpering, Ella buried her face into the crook of her father's neck in hopes that the pain would go away. "Daddy," she said miserably.

Elliot rubbed her small back. "It's okay Pretty Girl. It's okay," he whispered softly and kissed the top of her blonde hair.

"Ella? Ella?"

Opening her eyes, Ella involuntarily yawned and stretched her arms. She looked to her left and saw Sid look at her worriedly. The same worried face that matched the little boy's in her dream. "Yeah?" she asked groggily.

"What's wrong? You were muttering 'Daddy' in your sleep," he said. Looking at her and then back onto the road.

"I had a dream, or a memory. I was at Grandma and Grandpa's and I was on the swing with you. We couldn't have been no more than six. I jumped off and scrapped my knee and elbow. I started crying for my dad."

Sid nodded his head. He vaguely remembered that time, but he didn't realize that the girl crying was Ella. Remembering his conversation with his mother, she told him that he and Ella used to be friends when she lived in Nova Scotia. Sid guessed that the reason he couldn't really remember Ella or she remembering him was because they were so young.

Ella laughed bitterly. "I used to hate my dad. I used to think that he didn't care about me, he just let mom take me away from him. "Ella shook her head and looked out the window, before looking back at Sid. "I hated him for it, but really all this time, he was dead. What am I supposed to make of that?" she asked almost desperately and looked at Sid, hoping that he had the answers.

He just gave her a small smile. "I don't know, but I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere," Sid reassured her and stopped the car.

Looking out the window, she sighed, her eyes landing on the sign that read: Arlington Cemetery. Noticing the hesitation in Ella, Sidney took her hand and caressed it as if to say that everything was going to be fine. She smiled sadly at him and slowly stepped out of his car, flowers in hand.

Ella exhaled, the feeling in her chest started to get heavy with every step leading her closer to a grey headstone. Her hand twitched when she felt a big warm one grasp it. She looked to her left and saw Sidney smiling comfortingly at her.

"Are you okay?" he asked her and gave her hand a tight squeeze.

She tried to say something but her words got caught in her throat once she saw the headstone. Tears pooled in her eyes. She couldn't' believe that her father was really dead, after all the time that had elapsed, she hated him and he couldn't defend himself.

Elliot Paul James
Loving father, son and friend
You will be missed dearly
1963-1999

He died a year after her mom took her to New York. He was only thirty-six; thirty-six was too young for anyone to die. What was worse was that he killed himself because of grief from losing Ella. She stood shocked at the thought of her father taking his own life because of her.

Ella dropped to the ground in front of his grave and started to sob. The guilty feeling of hating her father killed her. Suddenly, all the ill feelings she had of her father disappeared and every single memory she had of him bombarded her. The times he took care for her when her mother was at work, the times they stayed up all night watching scary movies, going out for ice cream after a day at the park, everything.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, crumpling to the ground on the patch of soil that buried her father. "I'm sorry," she apologized miserably.

For the third time, Sid watched Ella cry. He stepped back, knowing that Ella needed to do this alone in order for her to come to terms with Elliot's death. He wanted to be there for her, but he couldn't move. It was like he was stuck planted on the ground, helplessly watching the girl he cared about alone.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for hating you. I'll be good, I promise, so please just come back. I never knew you, it's not fair," she wailed, her eyes red with all the crying. "Daddy."

*

The room was quiet, the lights were dim with only the side lamps giving off light. Sid walked on eggshells around Ella. He was scared of saying the wrong thing. Scared that his words would send her to a catatonic state. She pretty much was already in one.

They opted to stay at an inn; he didn't want to drive four hours to get back to Cole Harbour so late at night. Ella was also too exhausted, having fallen asleep in front of her father's grave from all the crying.

"Do you want anything to eat?"

Ella slowly shook hear head and lay down on the bed.

"Sorry I couldn't get us a room with two beds or another room," he apologized. He was sure that Ella would throw a fit when he found out that they'd have to share the room, he was scared that she would be afraid of the contact because he was male.

She shook her head again.

"I'll sleep on the couch."

A squeak escaped Ella's lips. "Sid, please stop worrying about me. I'll be fine," she finally said. "Please," she begged.

Sid walked over to her and cupped her face with his hands. "God Ella, how can I not worry about you? You mean so much to me, I love you," he confessed.

Ella's eyes widened slightly. He couldn't love her; she was so tainted and broken. What guy would like her? He probably meant that he loved her in a platonic kind of way. "I love you too, I'm glad to have you as a friend. I don't know what I'd do" she said lightly.

Sid sighed and dropped his arms to his side. Of course she took it the wrong way; of course she didn't have romantic feelings for him. He knew it.

She looked at him oddly and wondered why he looked so disappointed. He was about to walk away, when she grabbed on to his wrist. "Please, stay with me? I don't want to be alone," she asked in a low whisper, her eyes looked desperate as well as her voice.

Sidney hesitated for a moment, trying to evaluate his options before climbing into bed with her. He gathered her in his arms, her head resting on his chest; he could smell the shampoo on her hair. He hopped that she wouldn't feel how fast his heart was going.

Ella closed her eyes and listened to Sidney's heart beating. It was oddly fast, but she thought nothing about it.

He caressed her right arm and traced over her tattoo that had words going down her arm.

"'Beware the Jabberwocky my son, the jaws that bite, the claws that catch'," Ella recited, knowing that Sid wanted to badly know what that poem meant to her. "I got it a month after I got raped, two weeks before I found out I was pregnant. The Jabberwocky was this feared creature in Alice in Wonderland and the man that raped me was exactly that."

Sid was silent; he read, lips wordlessly moving, the poem over and over making sure he committed it to memory. "What about that one?" he asked, pointing to her forearm, hoping that the tattoo adoring her arm wasn't so touchy.

Ella smiled for the first time in days. "It’s the sign for Aries the ram and the flower Hollyhock. Wyatt was born on March 30th; it's his sign and flower," she spoke of the tattoo so fondly.

He ran his hand across it, as if his own skin would absorb it. Sidney sighed when Ella's breathing became shallow. She was asleep. He ran his hand through her blonde medium length blonde hair and kissed the top of her head. "Good night."