Unitl I Break

FUTURE/ PRESENT

The ride to Seville’s apartment in the city was a silent one. Neither knew what to say to one another; how do you put those feelings into words.
Hey I haven’t seen or heard word of you in six months...thanks for not saying goodbye.
or
Hey thanks for breaking my heart. Oh p.s. I enjoyed having to avoid Candace’s fist for the last leg of the tour it was a good time we should try it more often, after all death threats are supposed to be fun right?
or
Oh and Gee I’m sorry I closed my eyes so tightly when we kissed, I should have realized you were just another musician…

Gerard stared loftily out the window, the intensity of his headache growing steadily and the unease of his stomach adding to his troubles. No matter how distracted he was by the mounting pain in his body there would always be something sobering about the New York City skyline. Maybe it was the ambiance, maybe it was the complete and utter chaos, maybe it was just the aroma of toxic waste, but either way it had a tendency to draw people into its madness. Seville however, was too lost in her own thoughts at that moment to find solace at sight of the megalopolis. About ten blocks later, straight into the heart of the city Seville drove her car into the recesses of a drearily lit basement parking garage. She removed the keys from the ignition, popped the trunk and was reaching for the door handle when Gerard started, “Seville I…”

“Don’t Gee not yet, let’s get to my apartment first mkay?”
Gerard nodded in agreement and helped her unload the trunk.

Looking around Gerard was amazed; Seville must have been doing extremely well for herself. Her apartment was in the center of the city in a decadent ritzy building. It was expensive to live anywhere in the city, but to live in the heart of it all, we’re talking top dollar. Seville must have caught notice of his dropped jaw, “impressive huh?”

“hell Seville its fucking..”

“Incredible? I know I’m so lucky, I could never afford to live here; the building is owned by Warner brothers and because I work so much they practically charge me nothing to stay here….I’m finally understanding the true joy found in the perks of working for a major corporation. ”

The door to the building was held open by the building greeter, Charles, though she knew for a fact his name was Dave and he was from Wisconsin, contrary to the locale his fake, but very well done English accent might suggest; she found this out after having caught him drunk at a bar around the corner; but she swore not to tell anyone it was their little secret and in exchange he would occasionally steal her cookies from the restaurant that also did room service for the building residents; they had the best cookies, the secret was that they used chocolate dipped tofu instead of plain old chocolate chip cookies.

The apartment on the eleventh floor was Seville to a T; well the layout was at least. It was more modest than the rest of the building, it was bright with cathedral ceilings and clean lines. It was spacious yet cozy with giant picture windows that looked over a bustling Times square.

“It’s kind of boring, I haven’t had a whole lot of time to make it my own really; I’m not here a lot anymore you know?”

“No its great Seville” Gee said reassuringly with a smirk, “It’s just…”

“Just boring?” she said with a smile. “Yeah the white walls aren’t exactly my style, but I love everything else” Gerard laughed, leave it to Seville to find good in something no matter what.
Seville walked into the kitchen Gee following close behind both leaving the luggage at the door. “Do you need anything to eat? drink? I’ve got dr. Pepper, coke, diet coke, Pepsi, sprite, orange pop, water, milk 2%, skim and soy, apple juice, orange juice, and Gatorade… to eat lets see I’ve got…”

“a really big refrigerator…”Gerard laughed, “its okay Seville I don’t want anything,”

“well fine then…” Seville said pulling a bottled water from the fridge taking a long swig before turning to face Gerard who had taken up seat at the island bar that stood in the center of the kitchen.

Gee sat, his head resting in his hands which were propped up on the countertop.

“Gee? You okay?” sudden concern overwhelming Seville’s voice.

“Yeah, I… I’m fine…”Gee muttered into his palms.

“You sure?”

“I said I’m fine.”

“Are you sure you don’t need anything?” Seville asked one last time.

“Dammit Seville I said I was FINE!” Gerard yelled raising his head to face her.

Seville set her water down, thinking to herself ‘o great here we go, is it that stage already? I didn’t expect him to get so angry so soon.’ “In that case should I show you your room?”

Seville had already made her way to the kitchen door so that she could grab Gerard’s luggage when she heard the distinct sound of vomiting from behind her. Without a word she grabbed Gee’s arm and pulled him into the bathroom to get him cleaned up, and silently helped into the spare room in which he would be staying.

Gee had slept the rest of the day away and well into the late morning of the next day, waking around 11:00; for this much Seville was grateful, knowing that sleep was so much better than what he’d be feeling if he were awake, but just in case, she had stayed by his side all night, leaving only in the morning so as to take a shower and get prepared for the day.

When Gee awoke he was shaking cold, drenched in a heated sweat, droplets still resting on his forehead. He drew the blankets in around him the weird feeling of his skin touching another object sent chills up his spine. He was sicker than he’d ever been, but it was a different sick, not the kind you feel when you have the flu or have a bad cold, the kind of sick where you wonder whether or not the next you sleep if you will ever wake up. To delirious to hear Seville enter the room, Gerard felt her climb upon the bed and pull his hair from his eyes.

“Thanks…” he stammered out and drifted back to sleep. What seemed like days later, though in actuality it had been mere minutes; Gee awoke once again to find a wet rag being held on top his head. He opened his blurry eyes to come face to face with piercing clear blues of Seville, who was kneeling on the floor beside him.

“To break your fever…”she explained; Gerard somberly shut his eyes again, “It hurts ville…” he mumbled, she lightly brushed his hair back from his eyes again, “I know it does,” she said as she did this, “I wish it could make it better.”

“Isn’t there anything?” he asked pleadingly, “Ville please make it stop; I can’t take this, I just don’t want to fucking hurt anymore…”he begged, “give me something, ANYTHING!” he lashed out in agony, a death grip on the blankets, his eyes still closed.

“I wish I could Gee,” she said this as she silently swept a trickle of tears away; it killed her to see him like this.

“Please ville please …”

“no, Gee, nothing,” and Seville rose, closing the door to the room behind her, she could hear the distinct thrashing of lamp that sat on the bedside next to Gerard.

Her back to the door she slowly slid down and into her knees crying, she hadn’t intended on this being so difficult on her. So she sat and cried… she cried for the ache she felt on heart at the very sight of Gerard, the longing of a lost love. She cried for the pain she knew all too familiarly that Gerard was experiencing. She cried for her fear that he might not make it, that maybe he was beyond saving; she cried.

Gerard was in his fit now. The pain was unbearable. It felt as though someone had thrust their hand inside him and were ripping his guts out with their bare hands. His head throbbed pounding, begging for the relaxation that came from his meds. He screamed, cried, begged for mercy. he unconsciously had ripped the pillow where his head had been laid apart, feathers everywhere. He had broken the lamp and had smashed an old wicker chair to bits; finally having worn himself out he lay back down crying.
Crying which only gave way to his gag reflex, causing him to spill vomit about the clean white carpet that covered the bamboo floor. He felt so weak so confused, he was out of control and the one thing he wanted, he couldn’t have.

Seville came in a coffee in hand, “I thought this might help a little…” she said trying to force a smile upon gee’s face which had been staring with concentration on the ceiling. It was now late in the evening, but the bright lights of the bustling strip below kept the room bright. Seville crawled into the bed as Gee sat up meeting her in the middle as they both leaned against the headboard.

“How you feelin babe?” Seville asked as she handed the Starbucks java over to Gerard, “I didn’t know you’d left, thanks”

“I didn’t. I sent Dave the greeter for it. He owes me for life.”

Gee smirked it’d been a few days since he had smiled, the shakes were subsiding but the headaches and sweats were still constant, but anyone less symptom was better.

“Java makes everything better.” Gerard said gulping the hot liquid down.

And finally she broke down, “Gee, I just want to say I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye.”

“Just tell me one thing Ville, tell me why. Why did you take off like that?”

“What do you… do you mean to tell me you…you don’t know? Oh please gee” she said with attitude.

“DON’T ‘OH PLEASE’ ME SEVILLE YOU’RE THE ONE THAT TOOK OFF!” he shouted angrily launching his coffee across the room.

“GOD DAMMIT GEE! GODDAMMIT! I SAW YOU! I SAW YOU GETTING IT ON WITH THAT CHICK!”

“what chick?” Gerard asked snottily, “I never…”

“Oh don’t tell me you don’t even remember that night….”

“I remember that night just fine thank you!”

“Well then Mr. memory, “ Seville said angrily pulling away from the headboard to face gee, positioning herself on the edge of the bed, “you must recall that that was one of the most insane nights there’d been.”

“YEAH I DO, YOURE POINT?”

“Well then you also must recall that you, Bert, and the boys were more shit faced then you’d ever been…”

“I don’t know about that but what of it? Seville what’s your fucking issue?!”

“My fucking issue, Gerard Arthur, is that that night, you also participated in some of Bert’s antics…”

“AND?!?!?”

“AND I WALKED ONTO THE BUS TO FIND YOU FUCKING THE SHIT OUT SOME USED GROUPIE IF YOU WANT THE GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION TO JOG YOUR MEMORY LET ME KNOW! YOU FUCKING DISGUST ME GERARD! I FUCKING LOVED YOU! AND YOU KNEW IT AND YOU YOU STILL DID THAT TO ME!” by now Seville was sobbing, simply sobbing, her heart racing, she was hyperventilating even, she was hysterical."I'm so so-so-sorry Gerard I promised myself I wou-wouldnt do t-t-thhis...."still crying

Gerard just sat, speechless, jaw dropped in awe…. He did remember that night, faintly, but he did not remember any girls, he remembered that Bert had gotten them, yes, there were lots of girls on the bus that night; and he did remember Bert being involved with most all of them that night. He remembered too, that Mikey had come in for him in the early morning and yelled at him for something, said he was an ‘ignorant asshole’ who ‘didn’t deserve something so wonderful in his life’ .

He remembered that vividly, Mikey never got angry, but the next morning mikey was fine, everything was fine; Gerard never asked what all that was about, then again he was still fighting a major hangover.

“I DON’T BELIEVE YOU VILLE I DON’T, I REMEMBER THAT NIGHT, I DO”

“well fine believe what you want…I ‘m not here to convince you otherwise,” she said calming down, “I wasn’t looking for an apology I just wanted to say that I was sorry I left without confronting the matter…” she stood and walked back out the door but paused before she left the room, pulled something from her sweater pocket and tossed it to Gerard, “I figured a smoke might help, just don’t burn the room down…oh I have to run some errands tomorrow and I have to go into work for a few hours, but I asked Dave to chill here and watch you…” and with that she shut the door behind her.

“I DON’T NEED A BABYSITTER VILLE, WHAT THE FUCK!” Gerard clearly pissed shouted, this time grabbing an alarm clock from the bedside and whipping it at the door, while frantically trying to light up, frustrated by all the things he couldn’t remember and refused to believe.

It had been days since Gee had eaten so when he awoke the next morning he found the gut wrenching throb in his stomach to be hunger pains. He crawled out the bed and luckily remembered the broken glass before actually setting his feet down. But as he glanced around for his shoes he did not notice the putrid smell of dried vomit, or the piles of broken glass that had laid strewn upon the floor, but he did notice the crisp smell of pine-sol in the air, and the gleam of the seemingly unharmed carpet. Stepping out of the for the first time in days he quickly noticed the twenty-something kid watching tv of the sofa; Dave, he thought to himself. Rolling his eyes at Seville’s honesty, yup, Dave was there just as she had promised, she had always been one to follow through, Gerard remembered that much,; if Seville said she was going to do something then believe you me she did it.

Gerard’s plan was to sneak into the kitchen unnoticed Dave seemed pretty focused on the tele anyways; fairly easy right? It would have been had Gerard not run his knee into a low end table just past the bedroom door.

Dave jumped with a start, “Oh hey there man, didn’t here you up, you scarred the shit outta me…”

“Sorry bout that.” Gerard said attempting to be friendly after all it wasn’t Dave’s fault that he was there. Just as Seville said, ‘he owed her for life’ and knowing her she probably conned him into it anyways.

“Just gonna grab some food” Gerard explained heading for the kitchen quickly.

Seville had fixed breakfast for him hoping that maybe he would manage to get something down. She had left numerous dishes in the fridge. Gee opened the refrigerator door to find a note hanging from within.

“Put some meat on your sick ass….you look like hell hung-over –heart Ville”.

She always did have a way with words” he thought to himself. And indeed it would be difficult to find something he didn’t want to eat. Seville had prepared breakfast foods galore, pancakes, waffles, sausage, bacon, muffins, eggs; she had left lunch foods, an array of deli meats and cheeses galore, and dinner dishes as well ranging from the Italian cannelloni to the south of the border enchiladas, he even noticed a takeout pizza box on the bottom, a note on it that said, “just in case…”
So of course it was the cold pizza he pulled from the fridge with a diet coke and set himself down at the bar to eat.

A few bites into his cold extra cheese pizza Dave entered the kitchen and pulled a pop from the fridge. Gee ignored him, not feeling like socializing and continued to indulge.

“Sooo….” Dave began, “how long you know Seville?”

“bout a year…you ?” Gerard replied

“a few months….you ..um you two must be pretty close?”

“Once upon a time …why do you say that?” Gerard asked his mouth still full of cheese.

“Well she talks about you all the time…”

“What’s she say?” Gerard’s curiosity now sparked.

“oh oh nothing bad, no, never anything bad, she just mentions you in conversation a lot, memories I suppose.” Dave said quick to reassure Gee. The doorbell rang and Dave went to answer but before he even made it out of the kitchen, the distinct turning of a door knob could be heard as a deep voice, that clearly had its own key to the place, called out,

“Hello? SEvilllee? You home? Any sign of life would be good…. I smell pizza…oh” the voice said turning the corner into the kitchen.

And suddenly Gee had come face to face with none other than the one person he was hoping most to avoid; Dustin. “Hey Dustin…” he said nervously.

The look of sudden disgust fell on Dustin’s face, then quickly to pity, “Hey Gerard, heard you weren’t doing too well, it’s good to see you man,” Dustin said earnestly wrapping Gerard in a manly embrace.

“sup Dave?” Dustin asked leaving Gerard and walking over to grab a pop from the fridge. Gerard in a bit of a stupor; had that actually just happened? Had Gee actually been greeted as if nothing were wrong? Whatever had gone down to make Seville leave the tour, Gerard was pretty sure Dustin would blame him for it, just as Candace had done, like Seville had done. But quite the opposite occurred, within the next several hours Gerard and Dustin were back reminiscing and mucking around together as if nothing had ever happened, and this time they’d incorporated Dave into the group.
That kid needed friends, truly the reason Seville harassed him into coming up; Dave was your classic nerd, and when she heard Dave mention comic books, well there was no question that he should meet Gerard.

So Gerard, Dustin, and Dave sat talking and laughing their asses off at all the things they’d done and things they had yet to do. “Gerard do you remember that first kickball game last year?”

“Oh shit yeah man, I’d forgotten all about it. That’s when Frank and Gina almost died making out on home plate right?”

“Yeah yeah yeah and Mikey actually got a home run?” said a bantering Dustin, with Dave listening intently by his side.

“I think it was more amazing that he got it off of one of your shitty ass pitches!” Gerard said with a cute little giggle.

“I think its more amazing that your drunk ass can remember all that!” Dustin stopped short; the sting; he hadn’t meant it to hurt Gerard but the look on Gee’s face had suddenly become ashamed. “Man I …”

“Don’t worry about it…”Gee said shrugging the comment off but still visibly bothered by it.
“Dustin, let me ask you something…”

“Shoot batman…”

“Member the night Seville left…”

Dustin set his drink on the coffee table his feet had been resting upon, “Yea, why? What about it?” He asked still maintaining a friendly tone despite his feelings stirring beneath the surface.

“Let me be honest, Dustin, I keep getting blamed for what happened, and I don’t remember… I don’t remember any of it… I remember Bert getting girls, I remember turning them down, I remember the booze, and the drugs, and I remember waking up and making an ass of myself onstage when my pants fell down, this time I was commando, that much I remember…but I don’t remember…what Seville said.. .I just don’t remember. Dustin did I really…” Gerard was cut off bya somber Dustin.

“Hurt her? Yeah you did, and you did a pretty good number on it too, Gee, I understand why you don’t remember, but how? How you don’t remember I just…”

“Don’t get it? Yeah me either…” Gerard trailed off.

“Well Gerard, you know I would never let anyone hurt her, you know that. But I messed up that night, I let her get hurt, because I was too busy partying too; unfortunately for me though, I remember what happened….”