Unitl I Break

Gerard simply let his head fall into his hands that rested upon his knees. He had no control he was drained; empty, the only thing he had left were his tears and at the moment, they seemed to be leaving him.

“why?” Gerard asked feebly, “why does this keep happening? Why can’t I remember?

Dustin you gotta believe me I , I didn’t know. I…I…I would never hurt her Dustin, I could never hurt her like that, I loved her.”

“It’s okay man, she doesn’t blame you she knows it wasn’t your fault. Remember it was too long ago that she was in a bad way herself, but it hurt her you know? I mean, she loved you too.”

“she did?”

“seriously Gerard?” Dave chimed in.

Gerard kinda gave dave the evil eye, “seriously? She did?”

“you really didn’t know did you?”

Gerard just looked at Dustin; now he was truly defeated

“Dude. How, how did you not know? Even Candace knew and she doesn’t pick up on anything as far as relationships go.”

“I just figured she didn’t want that, I mean its not like we had made anything official.”

“Dude, no matter what they say, they always want that.” Dave said resolutely

“Dave’s right Gee. But how could you possibly not see her lingering on your every word. Girls don’t clean the vomit out of your hair because a they want to…..trust me on this one.”

“How could she possibly forgive me? How can I ever make it too her? I never meant for it to be this way.”

“she knows that duded, that’s why she never had need to forgive you she wasn’t mad, she understood what was going on, she’s not stupid you know?” Dustin said sympathetically to Gerard who hung is head still in morose fashion.

“As far as making it up to her goes, I think getting sober is the only way to do that and dude look at you, you already have been for a week and a half now.”

Gerard chuckled a soft ‘yeah I suppose youre right’ laugh then looked up, “she’s too good for me Dustin.”

“She’s too good for all of us.”

At that moment they heard the door open, “HELLOOO!? Anybody heerrrrreeeeeeee?” Seville called playfully from the door. She can in carrying a load of shopping bags a nd a tray of coffee but upon seeing her the bags nor the coffee were the first thing Gerard noticed.

It was her eyes..it always was…. The way for some reason he could find himself in them. Instantly he felt moved, he felt the wave of redemption and forgiveness wash over his guilt and sorrow like the coming of the tide on a sandy shore. He felt that all too familiar irregular beat flutter in his heart, something he hadn’t felt since she left the tour that day…. He had not ever experienced anything like it, not even when he had dated mad moli the last several weeks of the tour; he was pissed that Seville had left, and bitter that she had done so without saying goodbye and leaving Candace in a tirade to destroy him.

“hey ville,” they all cried out, Dustin rising to help her with the bags and Dave returning his focus back to the television, Gerard sititng still in awe on the sofa.

“Oh hey you’re up, good.” She said to Gerard,” got you some stuff this morning and some fresh joe,” she said holding out the tray as Dustin set her bags down, “you’re the right corner, Dustin this is yours I figured you’d show up, and Dave snagged you a chai tea.”

Sitting down beside Gerard to sip her own carmel macchiato, Seville sighed a deep relaxed breathe that said, “delicious…”

Dustin laughed lightly, “so what did you do today licker?”

“Well if you must no sir shit-for-brains, I got up showered, and went to work for a few hours, I had some phone calls to make, sorry I left you here Gerard.”

“It’s cool, we had a …nice time,” Gerard said looking for a means to describe the morning conversation.

“Oh but that reminds me, one of mine and Hannah’s friends, did I tell you I work with Hannah now, anyways one of our friends is interested in picking you guys up…now I know how you guys are about A&R’s but at least hear him okay? just meet him, I gave him all you’re guys contact info and stuff so Imagine hell be calling shortly.”

Gerard sat in awe. He still felt as though he had just woken up and hadn’t fully realized what happened in his drug induced sleep.

“Oh and I got you some new clothes yours were looking pretty dodgy there, not that there’s anything wrong with that, I hope they fit.”

“Awe thanks ville.” Gerard said rummaging through the bags.

“How come you never buy me nice things Ville?” Dustin asked.

“Because you don’t appreciate them…” Seville said matter of factly.

“You’re right.” Dustin declared with a shrug, “but I do appreciate this…” he said sipping his coffee.

“I hear ya Dustin,” Dave said with relief.

“Precisely why you guys all got talls.”

In the mean time Gerard had gone through all the bags and was amazed at how much Seville had gotten him.

“You like the stuff Gee?”

“Umm yeah!” Gerard said hugging her unexpectedly.

As he did so she felt herself melt in his arms, but this feeling was soon broken by the ringing of Gerard’s cell phone on the table beside them.

“Hello?”

“Oh heya Mikey…” Gerard began and walked into the other room so he could here Mikey over the baseball game Dave had blaring over the tv.

“SO what did you guys talk about?” Seville pried once Gerard was out of earshot.

Dustin had begun to say nothing but not so suave Dave had already shot out, “You.”

Then Seville gave Dustin the look. You know the look.

“I thought we had agreed not to bring it up ever again Dustin.”

“Seville, I didn’t…he did.”

She pursed her lips, “but you encouraged it did you not?”

“He had the right to hear it all. And you’ve known that all along.” Dustin said defensively Dave turning the volume on the tv down a bit more so he could eavesdrop more easily than if he had left it at its previous volume.

Noticing the decease in noise Seville leaned in towards Dustin and lowered her voice, “I asked you not too Dustin that should have been enough.”

“And I didn’t. he brought it up Seville what did you want me to do just ignore him? He’s my friend too and he had the right to o hear it from you but you were too cowardly to do it so I did.”

“Cowardly Dustin? I was cowardly?”

“Ville you know that’s not what I meant?”

“then what did you mean Dustin? Did you mean that I was to self righteous? Did you mean that I was wrong to walk away without causing a scene? Why don’t you explain a little better Schoenhofer.”

“listen here Seville James, you were right and wrong; he didn’t know what he was oding you know that but you know what you didn’t know? He loved you and he didn’t remember any of that night, so you two have spent the last six months missing out on each other.”

Seville stood as Gerard reentered the room, “hey that guy called were gonna go meet him in an hour!”

“That’s great babe, are the guys gonna come here or are you gonna meet them or what?” she said sniffling a bit and folding her arms across her chest.

“umm yeah.”

“Okay great well Dustin can tell you how they get here, I have to go.”

Dustin stood instantly, “you can’t be serious Seville.”

“See ya later boys have fun.” She said resolutely grabbing her purse and heading back out the door leaving Gerard extremely confused, “was it something I said?”

Seville found herself. That is she found herself when she met Gerard: it was if she finally knew who she was. She was self confident, capable, loud, obnoxious, educated, creative, outspoken, and opinionated and it was okay. So why couldn’t she just… why wouldn’t she just tell him how she felt….the beast of drama had been slowly eating away at her since she left, it had finally worked its way to her heart, she could feel consuming her like shadows encompass the world as the sun sets, nobody wants it to happen, it just does. She thought this all out as she walked the streets of soho… she loved to pass by all the shops and people watch.

It had been about two hours when her phone rang, she had just decided to go back and have it all out with Gerard, no matter how unfair it was to him to make him feel even more guilty, it was unfair to her to keep the feeling locked so tightly inside.

“Hello” she answered casually in a smooth silken voice.

“I seeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuu” replied a long drawn out whisper

Knowing the voice almost instantly she spun and came face to face with, “Bert!.”

He immediately grabbed her face and kissed her but he didn’t just kiss her, he kissed her, tongue and all.

Taken aback but unsurprised, Seville pulled back and offered a friendly response, “That was hott Bert.”

“I know right? I was thinking I would try it out on Dustin. What do you think?”

“o he’ll love it, and you’ll look great with a black eye. So wow I haven’t seen you in forever.”

Bert wrapped his arm around her shoulders and began walking alongside Seville in the direction she had been headed, “yeah I know right, we’ve been like… well I don’t really remember where we’ve been, but we’ve been there.” He said casually.

“I see, “Seville said without passing judgment, “ and why are we in New York then?”

“Business. Speaking of which I was thinking I need a mullet.”

“How many lines have you done today?”

“Only two. But im serious what do you think?”

“Why is it because you want to be all business in the front and party in the back!?” Seville asked laughing as they went along.

Bert stopped and got all excited, “Dude! HOW did you know?!”

She chuckled to herself.

“okay so your doing band stuff, so where are all the rest of the guys?”

“in that restaurant back there, I told them I had to take a piss when I saw you walk by the window, I thought it was you but I had to be sure so I walked behind you for a few minutes.”

“And how did that help.”

“Dude, I never forget an ass,” Bert said smartly, but being about as much a gentleman as was possible for Bert.

Seville smacked herself in the head, “again with the ass thing.”

“Do you blame me?”

She looked over her shoulder as if checking out her own butt, “No I suppose I don’t blame you.”

“Well hey Ville I gotta get back Jepha’s been kind a pissy lately but why don’t you come with
im sure they’d love to see you?”

“I would love to babe but I’m kinda busy, you busy gonna be in town for long?”
“Nah just today, but Ill give you buzz.”

“Yeah definitely,” she said hugging Bert goodbye. She watched as he ran back to the restaurant, stopping to lick an innocent old man along the way. The dude was very confused. But Seville wasn’t anymore, to hell with her standards, she was gonna do what always and never wanted to do regardless of the backlash….in her opinion, its not like things could get any worse.