Something Has Changed Within Me

I felt full. Thriving. But at the same time, I felt empty

What had I done?

I had given my virginity to Garrett – a man I just met.

I thought I had more morals than that, I thought I had more sense. Do I not know myself? Am I an entirely different person?

Do I like this new person?

No. I don’t even know who she is.

Last night was one of the best I’d ever had in my entire life, and I’m beginning to regret every second of it.

What had possessed me to allow Garrett to take something so special, so precious.

I looked to his spot on the bed, the indentation on the pillow where his head had been. His scene still lingered in the air.

He was gone.

He took, and he left. And I was alone.

I bit my lip to choke back the sob. I should have known this would happen. I should have used my head and not my body.

I’m had given away my body like a cheap whore.

I sat up, staring angrily down at his spot on the bed. It was still a little warm; he hadn’t been gone very long.

So many thoughts ran through my head then.

He was gone. I could just let him go.

But did I want him to be out of my life that way? Snatched away from me and nothing I can do about it?

I could go after him. But what would I say? “Oh, hi, Garrett. I was just wondering why you were leaving after that beautiful night.”

Oh, yeah, that would work well.

I could feel my body begin to shake. I felt so betrayed, so used. I fell back down upon the bed, my face landing in the pillow that had been used by Garrett. My nostrils filled with his scent and sobs racked my body.

How could he do this to me? I’d thought he was better than that.

My arms wrapped around the pillow, clutching it to my body as tears rolled relentlessly down my cheeks with no signs of stopping. It was then that I felt it. A bit of paper lying beneath the pillow that Garrett had used.

I took in a few shaky breaths before picking it up, holding it up to the window so that I could read it.

Dear Lindsey,

I wanted to thank you for the night we shared. I didn’t realize you were a virgin, I’m dearly sorry; it makes this that much harder. I know that you probably hate me right now, and I can’t blame you. But I have to leave. My career is picking up and I just can’t be held down by a long-term relationship right now. I wanted you to know that you’re special and the time we shared meant a lot to me. By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. I’ll be so far out of the city that there’s no way you’ll be able to find me. Please take care of yourself. That’s all I ask.

-Garrett Nickelsen

The paper crumpled in my hands and I could feel myself break.

I screamed.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I didn’t think I would ever be able to live on, but I did.

I continued working in Barnes and Noble, and I took photos when I could. My photography seemed hindered by my withheld anguish. Yes, I was grieving. I doubt I’ll ever fully heal.

But, like Garrett said… I’m going to take care of myself.

After all, as I learned reading Paper Towns and the classic The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, you should never hold someone in a higher regard than yourself. You should be number one in your own life.

One thing was keeping me going, and yet made me want to die.

My life would soon be changed forever, and it’s the only reason why I haven’t dropped dead. My life is revolving around it.

It’s been about two months since Garrett left my apartment, left me lying cold and alone in my bed and I found out a few weeks afterward....

I’m pregnant.

I’m pregnant with Garrett’s child and he doesn’t even know about it.

But I will take care of this child. It’s not Garrett’s, it’s mine. It will give me a reason to live again, maybe even to forget about this entire situation.

But I know that I will never forget about Garrett.

After I found out about my pregnancy, I was a mess once again. I fell to the floor and sobbed. Screamed.

I lay in bed and grabbed my most comforting possession, my copy of Paper Towns.

As I opened the novel to the first page, the thought that Garrett was the last one to read this book. I wanted to toss the book across the room and forget about it, it was sufficiently ruined for me.

But something stopped me.

Stuck to the inside cover of the book, a blue sticky note.

On the note, in bold black ink was a heart.