Have Kids, Then We'll Talk

The dial-tone blares at me and I realize that my shit phone has cut the call again, preventing me from finishing my line. Stupid Nokia. Stupid dad for not letting me get a new cell until I pass with flying colors.

Inwardly, I snort. Psh, as if that would ever happen. I spend too much time not caring about school to actually care enough to pass. The only way I would ever pass is if my dad starts fucking one of my teachers…

Know what? I better not even say that. Don’t want to jinx anything.

“RICHARD WENTZ.”

Hm. On the other hand, maybe I should tell him so he’d get the fuck off my back. He’s hitting enough backs, anyway…

“Peter Wentz?” I reply, slamming my closet shut after pulling out an old hoodie. The bottom of the sleeves have holes for my thumbs to poke through, and for some reason that always really appealed to me.

“Are you going out on a school night?” Without bothering to knock, he barges into my room and I’m forced to look at my middle-aged father with jet black hair that he has to dye every month or risk being seen with a grey hair. Heaven forbid.

I nod, then turn my back on him, grabbing a pair of white shoes that Jared drew on. On the toe of each foot was a black eye, helping me glare at my father.

He looks me up and down, smiling in approval. I start to shudder when he says that I remind him of himself at my age. Except I have better hair. Yeah, dad. Everyone had better hair than you. Mr. Buzzcut, monarch butterfly orange….

“I’m going with you.”

My eyes slide shut and my mouth falls open in despair. “No!” I say, my voice breaking off into a whine. Already, I know exactly where this is heading. He would threaten to send me away, confiscate my credit cards, not let me drink and smoke, or force me to learn the tuba.

“Richard, I’m your father. I’m morally obligated to follow you. I mean, I don’t want you to get hurt, or date-raped or -.”

“Yeah, I get it. You still can’t go.”

His body leans against the doorframe as he crosses his arms and glares at me. “I’m going.” He says defiantly. For a second, he reminds of a kid declaring stubbornly that he was going to run away from home if he didn’t get what he wanted.

“Dad, come on. Addie’s going to be there!”

Oops. Should have mentioned Jared, instead. “Really?” He said, a smirk slipping onto his face with renewed interest. He mutters something about date-rape again then parts my room, leaving me in peace. I wait until I can't hear him walking anymore before throwing open my window and jumping out on the ledge. In record-breaking time, I’m on the sidewalk and putting one foot before the other.

I step into the street without looking both ways (Bad Dick!) and nearly get hit by an SUV rushing past at 500 miles per hour. It beeped at me and cursed in a foreign language while I stood there, mouth open, hair wind-swept and one foot still on the tar.

“Fucking watch where you’re going!” I scream at the car, even though it’s probably already 20 miles away, backing up over some old woman.

Lights to my left, right, above me and behind me suddenly glared on, making me wince and squint to see the sidewalk in front of me. The brightest sign on the block is advertising Chinese food at half-price on Tuesday. Two for Tuesday. Clever.

Before I realize it, I’m in front of Addie’s apartment building and she’s sitting on the steps, elbows on her knees and chin in her hands.

I smile at my best girlfriend - hey, she’s a girl and she’s my friend. - and call out, “Oh, thank fucking God you didn’t wear those gross leggings.”

Her eyes move over to me and I nearly trip over my own feet. Addie always had that affect on me. Known her for all my life and she still makes fall while walking on steady land. “I so should have. Maybe I‘ll go change”

“Oh, please, no… unless I can watch.”

The same eyes that make me crash roll at my sexual comment and she gets up, straightening her skirt. “Where we going?”

“To get Jay.”

“Where’s Jay?”

“In front of the school,” I say like she’s stupid. “Same place he always is. I mean, seriously. That’s been his and my meeting place since forever - and you claim to be my BFFL!”

Another look, another eye conversation. Oh, shut up.

We walk the next few blocks to the park, talking about nothing in particular and joking about everything we see. I tease her, she teases me, I shove her, she shoves me. Best friends for life, I tell you.

And…nothing more.

“JARED!” I shriek when I recognize the familiar face stuck on the familiar head. Running to greet him, I get him in my arms and squeeze, jabbering like… what’s the word? Teenybopper? Yeah, that’s it.

He grins and lets me wring the air out of him before shoving me away. “Well, Richard, it looks like you’re happy to see me.”

“Is he hard already?” Addie asked innocently, crossing her arms and stepping into my line of vision. I turn, grinning, to see Jay’s response.

“Only I would be able to do that, Adelaide, darling.” They hug in greeting and with a few more words we’re on our way, walking on the gritty sidewalks of a city that millions claim is beautiful. I never really thought too much of it, though. It’s too… smogy. But at this point, I guess everywhere is just full of smog. Oh whatever - like it matters.

I’ll be dead in less than ten years anyway.

“Okay, so now that Jay’s here, where are we going?” Addie asks, bumping into me and making me lose my balance. Jay throws out his arm and saves my ass from eating concrete.

“We’re getting Chinese food.”

Addie groans and throws herself dramatically down on a bench. “Noooo, why?”

“Because Jay doesn’t want to go party. He says that we have school tomorrow and his conscience is dragging him back in by midnight. Besides, I passed a Chinese food place on the way here and I got a hunger pang. You don’t like it? I’ll feed you to my dad.”

“That’s cold, Dick, real cold.”

“That’s life, Addie.”

“Will you idiots shut up for three seconds?” Jay mutters in a rare moment of annoyance. Generally, Jay tends to bottle everything up and take it out on a canvas, but today he looked about ready to strangle the next paparazzi.

The girl opens her mouth to argue, but I manage to shut her trap with a glare. Since we were kids, she recognized the crease between my eyebrows as the universal signal to “Shut the fuck up.”

“We ordered Chinese food at my house. If you really want that fattening shit then we should just go there.”

I stick my tongue out, start to reply, but I see Jared lag behind, scuffing his feet on the sidewalk.

“What’s your issue?”

He stops and looks up, seemingly surprised that Addie and I stopped out bickering to notice him. “Well… I had high hopes for going to a club.”

I have to force my eyes to not roll. “But Jared, it’s a school night. You know, we have to get up early tomorrow to go school. Don’t you think that’s a little immature? A little… risky to go to school with a hangover?”

“Oh, go fuck yourself and show us to a club. Like I seriously care about responsibility at this precise moment.”

“Whatever you say, Jayman. But if I throw up all over my desk in first hour, you’re letting me fuck you.”

Addie laughs and starts walking again. Jared grins at me and I follow behind them a little, smiling at their backs.

Seriously, I love these guys.