New Beginnings

Nineteen: Thoughts and daydreams

After getting the kids ready for school, I dropped them off and returned home. I sat in the music room for a good hour thinking of what to do for the other five hours the kids would be at school. I could attempt to write a few more songs, maybe put some chords to the segment I showed the band and Kryce.

But no, I couldn’t concentrate on anything that didn’t have to do with Demik. The dream I had was still fresh and vivid in my mind. I could recall exactly the way he smelled like he was next to me. And I could still feel his lips against mine. I reached my hand up and traced my fingertips over my lower lip softly. Oh how I missed kissing him, so much.

I just wish he was still with me, then maybe I would have some writing inspiration again. If he was still with me then maybe I would know what to do with my life and all the drama that’s been going on. But no, he wasn’t here. He left me. And now I had to face the world alone all over again.

How could he do this to me? Did he not care what happened to me? Or did he want me to suffer? No, how could I think those things? I knew he loved me. He would never leave me on purpose, never. He told me the truth in my dream.

But it was just a dream, it wasn’t real. What he had said to me, that’s only what I wanted to hear, it wasn’t actually him talking to me. Was it? It couldn’t be. Things like that don’t happen. It defies reality on every plane, but yet, at the same time, I believed it to be true.

Demik had been everything to me. He was my best friend when I was having problems. He was my shoulder to cry on when I was sad. He held me when I was lonely. He was my lover that no one could take away. He was my life, my love, my heart, my soul, he was my everything. And now, even though he’s been gone for two years, I still didn’t know what to do without him.

I was lost in the life I had made for us. Our children grew up with two fathers. Now, they only had one. I was the one who had gotten us our first home. And now, even here, where I had slept by him, loved him, raised our children with him, here…doesn’t feel like home anymore.

After two years, I finally got someone back in my life. Sure he’s not a boyfriend. But Kryce is another man in my life. I may have opened up to him a lot that first night, but from now on, if he wanted to learn me inside out, he would have to really try.

I can be an open book sometimes. Not all the time. But sometimes, yes. And if you’re lucky enough to catch me during that sometime, then be prepared to hear a life’s story. Kryce only heard part of it that first night. He only heard the part about Demik, and how I lost him.

Maybe I should consciously try to open up to him. Maybe I shouldn’t be so distant from others. It could benefit this in the long run, but it was a long shot. A very long shot. I don’t think me being open will help the fact that I’m a screw up, that I’m dysfunctional, or that I am overly depressed and morbid. But if Kryce was really willing to give this a shot despite my flaws, then, well…I suppose he deserves me to be open to him…just a little bit.