Poison Ivy

I stared around the room, wondering what I was going to do next. I thought about my next assignment and thought it would be awesome to have a normal job for once.
The unemployment office was not a happy place, but I had just gotten laid off from my secretary job and had nowhere to go. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hearing the shorter chunky man call my name. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m kind of plump, but this guy was a bit bigger than me.
I sat down in his cubicle and watched him type slower than my grandmother. I wanted to slam his hands against the keyboard and walk away, but I wanted to see what he had for me.
“Alrighty, Josie, I think we have two or three jobs you can look at here. Here’s some information, feel free to go back into the waiting room and read on them before making a decision.” He sounded like Droopy the Dog.
“Thank you,” I said and grabbed them, wanting to get out of the cubicle that reeked of cheese fries. I took a seat in the same place I was before and read over the three offers. One was for a secretary to a chicken plant, I sat it down beside me. The other was ‘office assistant’ to an older CEO. I didn’t feel like getting into an affair with him, which I know is what he’s looking for, and sat it down on top of the chicken one.
The last one caught my eye. The paper deemed an official looking stamp on it and I read more about it. Turns out some famous person needs a personal assistant. They won’t choose just anyone and you have to be highly qualified. Who could be more qualified for an abusive relationship with a dick head rock stat than me? I mean…I dated a local band guy who thought he was the same thing.
I grabbed the other papers, threw them in the trash, and walked back to the cubicle.
“I want this one.” I shoved the paper towards him and he put on his reading glasses to see it.
“I’ll call you in a week about it. If that’s what you want, I can help you with that.”
“Thank you, sir. Have a good day.”
He smiled up at me and I smiled back before rushing out of the place. I got into my overly priced car and drove back to my place. I got in and threw my bag down, frustrated at the circumstances.
I’d went to school for a semester to become an ‘administrative assistant’ and worked at the same place for five years now, ever since I turned 18. I mean, it put me through college. I cringed at the thought of getting used to a new job and sat down on my couch with a cold beer.
My bulldog came up to me and rested his slobber glistened jowls on my leg. “Hey Bob.” I said patting his head. He took it as an acceptance to climb into my lap, and I let him. As I pet his ears, we both pondered life, “I hope I get this job.” He looked up at me and snorted, “I know, it’s a lot to handle being a personal assistant, but I think I can do it.” He licked his lips and yawned. He jumped off and went to his bed to fall asleep. “You suck.”
He then farted loudly.
I don’t know whether to laugh at my life or cry. I wanted the week to be over with to see if I have this job, but had four days of waiting and a very small bank account to work with.

By the fourth day I was eating chocolate cake mom had sent over for breakfast with beer. And I wonder why my hips are the size of Godzilla. I sat down the cake to give Bob some water and sat beside him while he lapped at his bowl. I patted his head softly, then heard my phone ring. I sprinted to my bedroom in hopes it was the unemployment office, and slid my phone open very fast.
“Hello?”
“Mrs. Baker? This is Tom at the unemployment office, I was calling about that job you wanted.”
“Yes, hello, Tom. What’s the story?” I asked, trying to fake a smile, but his drawl made it hard to concentrate.
“Well, you got the job. You start tomorrow night. He suggested that you dress corporate casual at all times and not smoke in his presence.”
“Okay.” I said confused. Some rock star. I listened to the rest of the details about tomorrow night. I thanked him quickly and got off the phone. “Corporate casual, eh? Guess I’ll have to borrow some money from mom to get my eyebrows waxed and a new pair of black slacks.” I thought aloud. Bob looked at me like I was crazy and thought about my bank accounts condition. Rent was due in a week and if this job hadn’t come through, I probably would have gotten kicked out.
I packed my purse up and was going to take the long drive from Los Angeles to Riverside, California. I got into my car, thanking everything holy that I was able to fill my car up before going completely broke and started on my way.
The drive wasn’t that bad, I just had to go through the ghetto to get there, which scared me. I sped through it as fast as possible, getting to Riverside in record breaking time. I got out, sighed heavily, and wanted to leave. I love my parents, and they’re really good to me, but I hate asking for things. Mom will remind you to death that you owe her something.
I made the walk of shame to the door and went inside. “Mom? Dad?” I yelled into the house.
“Honey!” My mother called out. Now my mom is a beautiful individual. She uses Mary Kay enough to kill someone and looks like she did when I was a kid still, but I wished Mary Kay could tell her what to do with the red, beehive hair she still sports from the seventies. “What brings you here?”
“Just visiting.” I lied, but the thing is, I can’t lie. My voice gets high and squeaky, and I can’t get it out.
“No you’re not, come in the kitchen and sit.” She hugged me hard and pulled my arm out of socket trying to get me there. I noticed Dad in the recliner reading a paper, he looked over the top of it and smiled. “Do you need money?” My mother asked as we walked. I looked back at dad and he gave my mother a hateful look.
“Actually…I’m starting a new job tomorrow and I need enough to get some things done.”
“How broke are you?” My mother, being the person she is, went into the kitchen and made coffee, leaving me to wonder if she was even listening. She put the thick black coffee in front of me, and I set it to the side.
“You know that chocolate cake you sent me the other day through Aunt Ruby?” My mother nodded, “I’ve been eating it for breakfast.”
“So you’ve been living like this? Who would have guessed one of my daughters lives like that and tells no one. You’re so prideful.”
I wanted to laugh, hard. Prideful? I’m a 170 pound loser with no job and no real friends. I had to leave them all behind when we moved from Chicago to Los Angeles when I was ten.
We talked a bit longer and she finally stopped bitching long enough to give me some money. I hugged her bye shortly after and accepted the baked ham and apple pie. I went to my father and he put his paper down.
“Call me if you need anything, next time. I love you, honey.” He said and kissed my cheek. He stuffed something down in my pocket and winked at me. I smiled, thinking my dad was the good one. I walked out to my car to find another wad of cash from my father in my pocket. I thanked heaven above for giving me a good daddy.