It's A Shame I'm A Dream

“Mr. Walker! Mr. Walker! AIDEN WALKER!”

Aiden jerked out of his reverie to the stares of his entire algebra two class along with Mrs. Williams, who sported the expression of a winded bull. Her emotions had been swingier since Taylor’s pronounced death, and he was finding it harder and harder to sympathize for her.

“Yeah?” he offered, pushing his daydream to the back of his mind, where he knew he would relive it later. Possibly when he was alone. “Sorry about that.”

“I said, come up to the board and do problem three for Alyssa.” She stabbed the green whiteboard marker into Aiden’s hand – these were the days he hated sitting in the front row – and crossed her arms.

Aiden sighed and made a show of dragging himself up to the board. He solved the zeroes of the cubic function in minutes and loudly plunked the marker back into its tray. Mrs. Williams narrowed her eyes as she scanned the work, but didn’t find anything to criticize. In the corner, Alyssa copied it down quickly, pausing only to give Aiden an apologetic half-smile.

Mrs. Williams started up the PowerPoint for chapter nine notes, which, of course, signaled the class to whisper among themselves. When she turned around, everyone hushed and flipped their notebooks to a blank page. Aiden did this out of habit and set his pen tip against the grids, his mind wandering again.

Taylor’s first entry was already beyond his original assumption. He’d known and pinned her as the popular type, but almost everything else she wrote threw him. He didn’t understand who fought, although his instinct told him quite clearly it was her parents, which shocked him. Her exterior came off as perfect, and a large flaw in her home life was kind of hard to process. And what did she mean by ‘quit taking the shit I do’? Aiden didn’t want to believe she was a druggie, but there was nothing else that made sense. He had a mental image of a filthy alleyway, a ragged girl in a white cotton dress slumped against a dumpster. The picture sickened him, hammered at his heart, and he firmly blinked it away.

“Mr. Walker, do you need to stay in study hall for the rest of the period?” Mrs. Williams’s face swam into view as she glared at him. “I’ll take that as a yes. Get up. You can get the notes from someone else, if you want to.”

Not motivated to protest, he simply grabbed his things and took the slip she waved at him. Chase said loudly, “’Bye, man,” earning himself a look from Mrs. Williams. Aiden nodded and grinned at him.

He decided to walk the shortcut through the parking lot to get to the library. He was met by the yard supervisor, a short, wide lady with a permanently smug face.

“Do you have a pass?” she snapped, holding her pudgy fingers out expectantly. Aiden held up the study hall pass and she grunted.

The librarian looked up warily as Aiden held the door open for another sophomore girl, who gazed at him adoringly as she ducked under his arm. He hardly noticed as he chose a table on the side by the bookshelves, tossing his backpack on the table. He sat idly for a few minutes, then attempted starting the night's math homework. He felt restless, checked the clock. It was twenty minutes until the bell would dismiss him to sixth period AP history. He made the mistake of looking up and catching the eye of the sophomore girl, so he quickly buried his nose back into the depths of his backpack.

His hand brushed the stiff edge of - he lifted his English notebook and there it was. He didn't remember replacing the manila folder in his backpack that morning or the night before, but there was no denying those uneven edges. Aiden swallowed, still unsure about which side he was on. The first entry had intrigued him, but he wasn't quite sure whether he wanted to dive any deeper in the water he was already treading.

On the other side of the checkout counter, the librarian was glaring at him in a way that clearly read, Get to work or get out. Aiden took an unnecessary breath and pulled the manila folder onto the table in front of him.

He tucked the top page to the bottom of the pile and was surprised to find the second page twice as long. This time it was written on a paper with brown lines in red ink. Taylor seemed to favor ballpoint pens. He touched the words as if they were fragile, smiling to himself sadly. When had this mere freshman girl burrowed her way in so deeply to his mind?

01/01

Sooo yesterday I went to hang out with Jenna, and guess who we ran into at the mall? Seth! He walked with us for a while and I got new jeans and a There For Tomorrow shirt. Seth paid for my coffee and when Jenna teased him about liking me, he didn't deny it!

After we spent all our money we went out back and Jenna and Seth shared a joint. I honestly was trying really hard to keep myself out of it, but Seth was just so cute and I hadn't seen him in so long. I took only one hit, that's all, I swear, and mmm I felt better. Jenna was acting a lot nicer after that and managed to talk Seth into giving her a free ounce. Actually they had a conversation on the side before the public agreement, but I wasn't too worried. Jenna's a good friend. Seth specifically asked me if I wanted any, but I told him no. Jenna just laughed at me and Seth smiled and shook his head.

It's what they always say, what everyone knows, once you start, you can't keep away forever.
But I'm trying real hard, and seeing Seth again wasn't going to make it any easier. Then he asked me if I wanted some Percocet, because he'd gotten some free. I said yes, I really hadn't been planning on using them. I was going to sell them off within the next hour. Seth gave me three and actually kissed me goodbye. I forgot about the pills after that.

Today, everything was going well until Seth called. I mean, I was beyond ecstatic but my parents started freaking out because he's fourteen. I'm turning fourteen in a month so I don't see the big deal, but they yelled at me the whole morning. Mom keeps going on about rape, Jesus Christ. I skipped lunch to stay upstairs in my room. Every time they walk past my door a new round sets off. These are the days I wish they'd go back to fighting with each other. I know what's coming.

When Mom went to take out the trash, Dad came upstairs into my room. He told me he was very disappointed.

I tried. I tried to resist, but it hurts a lot. I'm glad Mom takes me to buy makeup. I'm sorry I remembered Seth, how pretty he is. The truth is, the users are all right and I'm not the last bit sleepy, I'm just waiting for the good dreams to sneak up on me so I can forget today.
I was so stupid for trying to quit. Everything feels much better. x

Love, Me