Philophobia

I picked my nails and had my eyes fixated on the beige colored desk throughout the entire day. Morgan and Matt and relentlessly kept asking me what had happened with Christofer, never letting the topic just die down and sizzle away.

I didn’t dare look at Christofer the entire time. Every time I tried, his sulky eyes would meet mine and it would make me feel inferior to him. His stare made me feel stupid. I keep trying to pluck the courage to go talk to him, but my will to stay in the shell that took years to build never budge. Even though I became close to Christofer and everyone else, I couldn’t help but notice that I was still the shy and self-protective girl that I was in the beginning.

Lunchtime had swung around in the middle of the day and I had chosen to sit around in the library and eat. I was the only one in here; even the old librarian who smelled like shit in a plastic baggy had left to eat.

I hated eating alone. I absolutely loathed eating by myself because of him. I got so used to his company during lunch that I completely miss when he isn’t here eating with me. Even if we weren’t talking, just knowing that his presence was there made me feel safe.

I had put my ipod on full blast and set the headphones on the table. ‘Hey There Mr. Brooks” by Asking Alexandria was blaring loudly. I munched away on the cafeteria’s nasty food and I heard the big double doors swing open. I leaned over in my chair and stretched myself out to see it was Christofer; hands shoved in pockets and his face looking a little better from the last time I glanced at him.

He looked around and walked aimlessly through the aisles of books, occasionally picking up a book and then setting it back into its respective place on the bookshelf. He sighed loudly and shuffled around.

“Aara, I know you’re in here.” He mumbled, almost like a child. I paused my ipod and folded my hands together. I swallowed the sandwich and the huge lump in my throat.

“Yeah.” I muttered, not knowing how to respond. I heard his feet shuffling closer and closer, making my heart beat go up two notches. It wasn’t until he took a seat right across from me that made my heart go completely bonkers inside my ribcage. Any faster and I would suffer from a heart attack.

Seriously.

I let out a very shaky breathe and shut my eyes. I knew I had to speak first. If I didn’t, neither of us would.

“I’m sorry Aara. I just… I don’t know what came over me.” Christofer said abruptly, before I had even uttered a word. I blinked a couple times, registering every word he had spoken.
“It’s fine Christofer.” I mumbled.

“No, it’s not. I crossed a very fine line and I’m sorry. I seriously don’t know what came over me that night.” His voice started out normal, and then died down to a soft stammer. We both looked in different directions, avoiding any type of eye contact.

The silence between was unbearable and I hated every moment of it. I didn’t really know how to respond to that. It made my insides fuzzy and my mind completely spaced out. When I did finally move my eyes to meet his face, he was staring out the window.

“I’m sorry I reacted that way. I was never kissed before.” My last sentence was rushed, and he knew it. He turned his head and looked at me expectantly.

“What did you say?” He whispered. I gulped silently and sighed.

“I was never kissed before.” I felt the intense heat fill my cheeks and I peered down to the floor. He didn’t speak for a while, taking in what I had just said.

“I’m really sorry Aara. I really shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s fine. Can we just go back to the way things were before that? I really don’t want to spend the first few days of the New Year without my best friend.” I smiled softly.

“Of course.” He smiled brightly. Seeing him smile again made me happy. Seeing him happy made my heartbeat twice as fast. In a matter of months, this boy has managed to change everything about me and make me into such a different person.

**

The days after our talk, we were both back to normal. I was talking again and Christofer’s face actually looked normal and not like the face of a zombie. I was happy again, and most importantly, and I didn’t loose my friend.

I decided that I needed to invite Morgan and Kendall for a sleepover, since it was Christmas vacation. My mom was ecstatic that I actually had friends and wasn’t just making them up. We were all sitting on my bed on my sisters’ laptop.

“Ooh look! It’s Christofer’s myspace! Wanna see it Aara?” Morgan asked, her fingers hovering over the keyboard. I simply nodded and folded my arms across my chest. She started to type in the URL address.

Kendall has told me on numerous occasions that Christofer was somewhat a “celebrity” around Joplin. Many girls always swooned over him and always wanted to go out with him. That simply just made me laugh. It’s almost surreal to believe little Christofer Drew has to deal with that kind of attention from girls.

The screen changed in a matter of seconds and there was an audible noise coming from the laptop. Morgan raised the volume up and I heard Christofer’s voice singing. I smiled softly hearing his voice. His music was cute, but it wasn’t exactly my style.

“It’s alright.” I completely rested myself back onto my mattress and let the music swim into my ears.

“Look Morgan, I think that’s a new song he posted up.” Kendall pointed at the screen. Morgan clicked over to where the song was and let it play.

I've been waiting my whole life
For someone like you
To go and pick me up and take away my blues
It's been one hell of a year
In my own shoes
But I've got some questions for you

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Did it hurt just to know I was right here waiting?
Did you know, do you know?
It was love from the first time we touched

I've been waiting my whole life
For a someone like you
To go and steal my heart
Just the way you do
It's been one hell of a year
Here waitin’ on you
So I've got some questions for you

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Did it hurt just to know I was right here waiting?
Did you know, do you know?
It was love from the first time we touched

La la
Oo oo
Da da da da da da

“Well… that was interesting.” Kendall pursed her lips and darted her eyes at me.

“Yes, I could only imagine who he wrote that song for.” Morgan’s voice was dripping with sarcasm as she rolled her eyes and closed the laptop. I sat up and arched my eyebrow.

“What are you trying to say?” I asked them. They both looked at each for a moment before looking back towards me.

“It’s obvious that you are the most oblivious person in the world.” Kendall sighed.

“Besides Chris.” Morgan chuckled.

I still understand what Morgan and Kendall were getting at. It was a cute song, so what? It doesn’t mean it was directed to someone. Those girls probably sniffed my sharpies a little too long.

“Didn’t you hear the freaking lyrics?” Morgan asked me.

“No, not really.” I admitted. Kendall looked like she ready to hit me.

“Aara Lee! He obviously wrote that song about you.” Kendall exclaimed. My eyes nearly bulged out of my eye sockets.

“Psh, no way. He probably wrote it for some other person.” I mumbled.

“You have got to be shitting me! Aara Lee, you do not have the slightest idea how much that boy likes you. It’s almost like an unhealthy obsession!” Morgan massaged her temples and shut her eyes tightly.

“Yeah Aara, there’s doesn’t go a day when he doesn’t blabber about you like some drunk. How can you not see that?” Both Kendall and Morgan looked at me expectantly, as if they were looking for an answer to their questions. In all honesty, I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about. I mean, surely my best friend doesn’t have feelings for me…

Right?