Philophobia

I had kept to myself throughout the week. I laughed when I had to and when someone made a comment to me I responded. My head was currently in a state of absolutely insanity. Ever since I talked with Matt, I’ve been replying every waking moment I’ve had with Christofer, Jeremy, Matt, Morgan and Kendall. Images of our Friday nights down by the old movie theater or by Carousel Park; nights that torn down the walls of security and have allowed me to be normal, at least, what my definition of normal is.

Tonight we were going down to a music festival on the outer parts of town. I was excited, especially since this would be the first concert I will be going to with my friends. Even muttering the word friends made my insides giddy and my excitement would rise.

Currently sitting on Kendall’s bed whilst she got ready, Morgan and I were wondering what the boys were up to at Chris’ house. Those boys may look harmless on the outside, but on the inside, they were complete troublemakers.

“God damn it! I can’t fin anything to wear!” Kendall cursed loudly and started tossing almost every article of clothing she had onto the floor.

“Kendall, chill the fuck out. This isn’t your first concert ever.” Kendall huffed and continued throwing shoes and shirts out of her closet and onto the purple carpet.

“No, I will not ‘chill the fuck out!’ I’ve got to look decent.” Kendall groaned and ventured deep inside of her closet.

“C’mon Kendall, you look great in everything, just pick something!” I sighed in frustration, knowing that if she didn’t hurry the fuck up, we would all miss the show.

“Found it!” Kendall shrieked. Morgan and I rolled our eyes and went through some over her magazines. It was only a matter of minutes before Kendall waltzed herself out of the closet, fully dressed and gorgeous as ever.

“Baby is a bombshell.” Morgan laughed.

“Alright, lets get the fuck out of here before I decide that I don’t like my outfit and change again.”

**

We arrived an hour and a half later to find that there was a huge line already forming. I texted Chris five minutes before arriving, he said he was already waiting in line. I heard Morgan and Kendal groan in protest.

“Well, isn’t this just great?” Kendall’s lips dripped with sarcasm.

“Yes, just fuckin’ peachy.” Morgan agreed. I stepped out of the car and into the cold. My eyes scanned the entire line, hoping I could find Chris through the huddled bodies. I spent a good two minutes trying to see him until Morgan’s hand rested on my shoulder. She pointed over into the middle of the line, where Christofer, Matt and Jeremy stood, completely oblivious to everything around them. I started to walk towards them before I saw Kendall dash right past me as she jumped onto Matt’s back. Morgan just shook her head and pulled me by my jacket over to our friends.

“Why, hello Matty!” Kendall shrieked. Matt’s face gave off the expression that he was having difficulty breathing.

“Kendall, get your boney ass off of me, I can’t breathe!” Matt exclaimed, prying her iron grip and making her fall onto the ground with a hard thud. All of us laughed as Kendall pouted and whined.

Leave it to Kendall to make it seem like we were all nut cases.

**

30 minutes into the concert we were all shouting amongst the vast space of bodies that crowded the small theater. I was having a blast along with everyone. I can hardly recall another time I’ve been this happy. The last concert that I went to was about two years ago, and it was an All That Remains gig down in Arizona.

I glanced next to me and saw that Christofer’s gaze was transfixed onto the stage. He had his hands shoved into his pockets and was bobbing his head up and down to the beat of the music. I stared at the new lip piercing that adorned the left corner of his lips. He looked cute to say the least.

I mentally slapped myself. I should not be thinking that at all. Christofer Drew Ingle is my best friend; the person that never gave up on me, the person who made me open up and make me feel like I had a chance to be normal again! This is not how a best friend should feel toward a best friend. If life has taught me anything in the short years that I’ve lived, it has taught me to never allow yourself to fall for someone.

At that point, I just wanted to leave. I wanted to separate myself from the situation before anything bad happened. It wasn’t going to be long before the concert was over, so I wont have to wait for long. I looked around for everyone until I felt an arm wrap around my neck. I looked up through the bright lights and saw Christofer smiling down at me.

“Having fun?” He had to shout over the crowd just to ask me a simple question. I simply smiled and nodded. He flashed another smile and gave me a hug. My eyes grew wide as I felt his grip get tighter. And just when I thought everything was okay, of course my emotions took full reign.

Thump.

My heart crashed into my ribcage. It scared me when I felt the thump hit my chest. I honestly thought that my heart would bash against my ribcage enough for it to shatter like glass. My eyes glanced up at Christofer. His eyes were lightly closed and he had a soft smile tugging the corners of his lips. He looked so peaceful amongst the ruckus of the bodies, and I couldn’t bear to tear my gaze away. He was beautiful; no questions asked.

I felt my heart start to sink into my chest and my vision was blurred. I knew I needed to get out. If I stayed any longer my heart would burst into flames and melt into the rest of my insides. I roughly stepped away from Christofer and shoved my way through the mass of people and to the nearest exit.

When I managed to push my way out of the concert hall, my tears had already started to leave streams down my pink cheeks. I couldn’t possibly explain all of the thoughts that were racing in my mind. The way my heart rate accelerated whenever I would look at him. How I would notice the small details about his appearance, like the tiny freckle he has on his nose, or that the color around his iris was more of a golden orange.

I felt myself falling. It all started when I jumped off that cliff and into the lake. It started when he plopped himself everyday right next to me during lunch, even if I never spoke to him. It started when he made it his life’s purpose to figure me out like a puzzle.

It started when we met on his terms.