Philophobia

No one dared asked me why I left as early as I did. No one dared to question my reasons for it. They all simply new that if I really wanted them to know, that I would’ve told them by now. I haven’t answered any of the calls, replied to any of the text messages I received nor did I allow anyone to come up into my room. I needed my own space to think my feelings out. I needed time to process what happened yesterday.

My mind was like one huge file cabinet, filled with files of memories from as far as I could remember to recently. My subconscious was filing through the current events of my life and laughing at me obnoxiously for allowing myself to be such a fool. I had to be the laughing stock of the entire town, without a doubt.

Idiot. That was the only word that I could label myself as at this moment. I am an idiot for not seeing this coming sooner or later. I am an idiot for thinking that what Morgan and Kendall and even Leah had said were pure fabrications. I’m an idiot simply because I fooled myself into thinking that this could never happen to me.

All it took was 3 seconds. 3 seconds for my life to dramatically change and take on a new course. That’s all it took for me to change from the introverted 16 year old to a loud, and somewhat obnoxious teen in Joplin. And the worse part? I didn’t give a shit. I could be as obnoxious as I wanted and no one ever questioned me.

I looked over to my nightstand and squinted my eyes at the digital clock. It read 7:30 AM in bright red. I groaned and scrubbed my eyes with my fists. I knew I didn’t get any sleep. How could I get any sleep when just yesterday I found out I had developed feelings for my best friend?

Yeah, I admit it.

It’s a scary thing to admit your feelings. It’s scary for allowing yourself to become consumed with thoughts of only that person. I never expected to find someone here in Joplin; I found someone who could change me from head to toe.

I sighed and got out of my bed, knowing that trying to sleep would be useless. I walked over slowly to my full-length mirror and stared at my reflection. My ebony hair was stick upright in some spots, my eyes were red and puffy from the lack of sleep. My skin was paler than usual and my hands were extremely cold.

I looked like I got hit by a bus.

I hated not talking to him. I absolutely loathed when I did it. I’ve gotten so comfortable with him, and everyone else that I forget how to cope with loneliness. I forgot how to act when I was by myself. My personality did a complete 180 and I’m now left with the itching feeling of clueless ness.

I sighed, knowing that if I continued looking at myself in the mirror, I wouldn’t get anything done. I trudged my way into my bathroom and walked over to the sink. I pulled the faucet upward and splashed my face with Luke-warm water. I turned the water off and gently dried my face with my towel. When I opened my eyes, I saw that my face had woken up a bit, but not too much. I slowly walked back into my room and decided that today wasn’t the day to get dressed or to do anything special at all.

**

I lay with Leah on her bed, eyes transfixed on the T.V infront of us. We were watching re-runs of The Munsters, and we’re occasionally laughing at the antics. The main thing that my sister and I have in common is old time shows and movies. We had a special love for them. It was the main reason why we were so close.

I missed moments like this with my sister. I knew the relationship I had with Leah was something very rare with siblings. Sure, we had our arguments and disagreements, but we both knew that we’d end up making up and be back to our odd selves. It was moments like these were I did appreciate my sister, even if I didn’t show it.

I felt a slight stirring on the bed and glanced up to see that Leah had re-positioned herself on the bed to be more comfortable. I looked up and her and wondered how she could be so beautiful. Call me envious if you please, but if you ask me, she got the better end of the gene pool then I did.

“Leah.” I murmured softly into the pillow that supported my head.

“Yes Aerie?” She asked, using my kid nickname.

“You were right.” I choked a little bit on that last part of my sentence. I looked up and saw her face was contorted in confusion.

“Right? About what?” She asked me.

“About everything. More specifically Christofer.” I inhaled deeply.

“Really, how so?” She looked down at my with a smirk etched on her chapped lips. She knew what I was talking about; she just wanted me to admit it. She always got satisfaction when I said things that I really didn’t want to say.

“You were right about him. You were right all along about him and about me. You were right when you said I have a connection to him.” I groaned into my hands.

“Well, like I’ve said before, I told you so.” She said in a singsong voice. She really wasn’t helping me out.

“Yeah yeah, the only thing is, is that I might have a stronger connection then I intended it to be.” I murmured. I shut my eyes lightly and tried to control my breathing.

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that this friendship has turned into something more. It’s turned into this monster that I have no control over. I’m afraid of letting this monster get the best of me.” I admitted. I felt her cold hand rub my arm soothingly.

“Well baby sister, this moment was going to come up sooner or later. You have to realize that this…monster, is only a fear that you believe in, no one else. When you think about this fear, you think it becomes true.” My sister explained. I sort of understood, but let her continue on.

“You’ve got to realize that Christofer is a special boy. Be glad it’s someone you can trust instead of it being some random stranger on the street.” She chuckled lightly.

“The scariest thing in the world is rejection. I would know since I’ve been rejected plenty of times. You’ve just got to face it head on and hope the other person feels the same way.”

I found comfort in her words. This entire ordeal was a new experience for me, and to know that I have someone who is watching out for me is the greatest feeling in the world. I knew for an early start that if I ever needed anything that I could count on my sister for anything and everything.

“Thank you.” I mumbled. I took her silence as her reply and continued watching the rest of the shows.

**

With all the re-runs done, I returned into my room, sprawled across my bed. I was staring intently at my ceiling. Boring, I know, but it kills time.

I sighed as I heard my phone ringing loudly from my nightstand. I knew it was him. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that it could have been anyone but him. I quickly turned over in my bed, belly down, and reached for my phone. I looked at the caller I.D and surely enough Christofer’s name was flashing. I pressed the little green button and brought the phone to my ear.

“Christofer, we need to talk.”