Philophobia

Nervous was always an understatement when it came to me. I would always be absolutely terrified of anything that I didn’t want to do. Simple things like presenting infront of a class, or being confronted by my parents when I had gotten a bad grade. Yes, they seem like poor reasons so be scared, but everyone fears it. And it seems like no matter how many times you go through with these experiences that deal with fear, you’ll never be prepared for the next encounter.

I told Christofer to meet me down by the boathouse near the lake. I asked earlier if Leah could give me a ride, or at least give me her car for the day; she had no problem in letting me take it.

I currently sat on the worn down steps of the boathouse, constructing what I was going to say. When I told him to meet me here, I really didn’t have a clear layout of what I wanted to talk about. All I knew was that I needed to talk about this to finally get it off my conscious.

My conscious was never one to really follow my plan that I had for myself, but in reality, when has it ever followed that plan for anyone? Was my plan too foolish or was my life a simple microcosm to the world around me? It seems like my very world is crashing down and shattering into millions of shards around me, but of course it isn’t. 20 or 30 years down the road, I’ll look back and laugh at my foolishness; my naive ness.

I heard the most annoying, yet most precious sound that I have come to love come to a complete halt. I looked up to see that Christofer had parked his beaten up truck right in front of me. At first glance, he seemed sad. He was slumped back in his drivers seat and I couldn’t hear music coming from his car radio.

He looked at me intently from the inside of his car, most likely debating whether or not it was okay for him to climb out of the big, discolored machine. I gave a small but reassuring smile towards him and he soon then hopped out of his car, slammed the door shut and plopped himself right next to me.

“I’m glad you showed up.” I mumbled, shifting my weight from one side to feel more comfortable. Although, nothing at this point, can make me feel comfortable.

“It was no trouble. I just had to lie to the ‘rents and tell them I was going to Jeremy’s” He chuckled softly while I sat in my spot in silence. I can’t believe I’m the cause of him lying to his parents about where he was going.

This is starting off worse then I could’ve imagined. Things got awkward right there I groaned inwardly. This was getting too awkward too quickly, and if wanted to say what I wanted to say, I would have to say it soon before I chicken out.

“Well, the reason I told you to meet me here was to talk.” I started out a bit shaky.

“Talk about what?” His eyes held confusion, which I was not surprised to find.
“Friendship.” I stated, completely avoiding what I really wanted to say. Sure, I did want to talk about friendship, but I was too general.

“Well, what about it?” He licked over his chapped lips and tucked a strand of loose hair behind his ear. I bit my lip and took in small breaths.

“How messy it can get.” I sighed.

“Life’s messy.” He retorted quickly.

“I know.” I looked up toward the faded sky and saw that the clouds had hidden the sun.

“What made you start thinking about this all of a sudden?” He asked. I knew this was going to come up at some point.

“Because I’m currently at war with myself. It would seem like my emotions were winning.” I muttered. He sat silently, letting me continue.

“I feel like ever since I moved to this pooh-hole of a town, it’s brought me nothing but trouble. I used to be this levelheaded girl who didn’t care about friendships or people. And now, I can’t stop making plans with friends and getting so consumed with typical teenage life.” I paused, catching my breath. My gaze met with Christofer, and his facial expression was a little shocked.

“Now I question whether or not it’s really worth it, because now, I’m starting to feel things I shouldn’t feel.” My heart had sped up a bit and my hands were clammy. Any more of this I would surely reach my breaking point.

“And what exactly do you feel?” Christofer probed, leaning forward so he could see my eyes that currently occupied themselves staring at my clasped hands.

“I feel like a foolish teenager with a ridiculous amount of weakness.” I murmured.

“Everyone feels that way Aara. No one is invincible.” Christofer reached over for my hands and locked his skinny fingers with mine. I tore my eyes off my lap and looked at his golden brown pools.

“I never said anyone was. I’m saying that I’ve foolishly allowed myself to believe that there was a person out there like that.” My eyes never seized to bore into his. I followed every movement, permanently ingraining every detail of his eyes into my memory.

“I’ve done that before. I allowed myself to believe like I was on top of the world. That no one could touch me. And then I got my heartbroken because I was too much of a naïve child to see it.” He said sadly. I let him continue on.

Before you came along, I was just another shmuck around town. I didn’t say much, never really interacted with other people besides Matt and the rest of them. I had my heart recently broken by the girl who I thought would stick around with me, but I was mistaken.” He paused, and licked his lips again.

“And now, I can say that I’ve finally recovered from the mini depression I suffered. I can finally say that I’m myself again, and man, did I miss it.” He laughed softly. Him saying this made a small smile appear on my lips.

“And when did this mini depression end?” I asked. His eyes flicked over to mine and he chewed his bottom lip.

“Since I met you.” He murmured. My heart started crashing against my chest again when the words had finally simmered into my brain. There was no doubt in my mind that he had to be the sweetest boy on earth. Christofer placed his warm hand under my chin and pulled me only centimeters apart from his face. My breath got caught in my throat as I scanned his face. His eyes were closed lightly; the tip is his nose barely grazing mine. My eyes fluttered closed and I closed the small gap in between us with a kiss.

It wasn’t that insane, passion filled kiss that everyone seemed to be so obsessive about now a days. It was sweet and simple. There were no fireworks, no shocks of electricity. I’ve only kissed him one other time, which was on Christmas, but this time, it did feel different. It was a really good feeling.

I felt at peace.

Nothing in the world could bother me. Nothing could ever faze me. It felt as if all the wars, the fighting of the world was at a complete stand still. Cliché, I know, but like I said, nothing could faze me at the moment. I pulled my face away, a scared expression written al over his face, and mine as well.

“I’m s-“ He started apologizing. I shook my head.

“Don’t be.” I said. He breathed in a sigh of relief. I looked up to see his pale face. He was grinning from ear to ear.

“I’m scared Christofer.” I whispered. He heard me and grabbed a hold of my hand.

“Don’t be.” He smiled widely and kissed my forehead.