Talk You Down

As I sat on the wet porch on the dark city street wishing I could get my cigarette to light. It was raining and my hands were shaking. I finally got it lit, as I inhaled that first hit my body relaxed and my throat burned. After a few more hits I stopped shaking from hysterics. I tried to light another, but my lighter had died, I rummaged though my purse for a light. A man approached with a zippo and offered to light it for me. I graciously accepted and once again that blissful calm took over with that first hit. He sat down next to me and light one of his own. We smoked in silence but the strangers presence was unsettling. I got up to leave, and started wandering though the lonely, cold city. As I walked darker and darker thoughts entered my mind. He still loved me, I just had to remind him.If I was sick, he'd want to take care of me, If my landlord through me out he'd let me stay with him..If I was in the hospital, he'd come visit me...If I died, he regret it and miss me...I knew what I had to do. I couldn't be without him much longer. I stumbled as I tried to locate my phone. I called the number that was burned into my brain.
"Hey, I'm sorry about our fight. I won't bother you anymore, or anyone else" I cried into the phone.
After I snapped it closed I knew I had to head to the church. He knew me so well. He knew if I ever ended my life that would be the place.I hailed a taxi, and headed there. The driver looked at me oddly, it was understandable. I must have been quite a sight. My hair dripping, my mascara running, in a soaked thin hoodie and sopping wet jeans. I got out of the taxi and threw money at the driver. The church was closed based on the hour, but it didn't matter. I walked around back and opened the back door that was never locked. I climbed the steep red stairs, and kept climbing until I reached the roof access. I sat on the ledge and tried to light another cigarette, waiting hoping he'd show. My phone had been ringing since I'd made the call, but I'd never felt the need to answer. I threw it over the edge and watched it shatter on the abandoned streets. That's going to be me in a minute I thought. The rational part of my brain was screaming to get back in there and go home, I suppressed that. I looked down and saw a car racing toward the church. My body filled with hope then I saw that it was just racing to make the light. If he hasn't shown up yet, he won't. I hate him. This will show him. He'll wish he came. He'll miss me...I think. What if he doesn't? He never loved me. I couldn't handle this. I can't be without him. I stood up looking down at my shattered phone thinking, in a second that will be me.
"If you go, I go."
"Danny!!"
"You didn't think I'd let you jump?"
"For a second, I thought you would."
"Never."