Aurora

I dreamed of a man that night. Or a boy. Or someone on the in between. In my dream he appeared at the edge of the forest, dressed in tan leggings and a dark green tunic; clothes the color of the dark trees behind him. I couldn't make out his face, or maybe I could, but it was all blurry, like I couldn't focus. All I knew was that he was handsome; tall and slim, with dark hair. My impression was that he was of the forest, one of the wolves, but I felt no danger when I stood near him, the way I usually felt no danger when going beyond the trees. He held out his hand to me and I took it. He may have smiled or he may have grinned, I couldn't tell, but I felt something I could not explain as we stood together. He let his free hand come to my hair where and he put his hand on my head. The unnamed emotion built inside of me as he came closer and closer...

I awoke then with laughter on the breeze and I pulled the furs and quilts tighter around my shoulders. Somehow, one of the windows was slightly open and my stomach trembled in foreboding. Shooting out of bed, I closed the window and dove back into the warmth, my skin already turned to gooseflesh. It was then, laying in bed, I thought of my dream. Closing my eyes, I attempted to finish it, but something kept stopping my mind from letting this strange figure kiss me. I opened my eyes again and my chest hurt with something that curiously felt like longing. Longing for someone I didn't know, someone who did not exist.

The absence of Dog hit me. He'd followed me in the night before and he'd fallen asleep in the corner of my room. I realized now that he wasn't there and wondered for a moment if he had opened the window up somehow and had slipped out. How could he have, though? My bedroom was so very high up in the tower and a fall out the window meant an instant death. Dog must have slipped out the door somehow. He was a smart, dog, I thought now, he had seemed to understood what I said when I told him to follow me and he'd perked when I'd spoken to him. I hadn't been able to think of a name for him, and I was planning to. For a moment, his not being in the room made me feel just as lonely as my dream. He'd been so nice the night before, letting me cry on him, nosing my cold face, nudging me up out of the snow...Delphine had always encouraged pets but the cat I'd found hiding in the basement hissed when I tried to touch it and the rats in the stables were not very clean or friendly.

Taking the top fur off my bed, I wrapped it around myself and got up to stoke the fire and put another log on. Even though the phantom hands did not check my fire in the night, usually my room did not get so cold. However, with the open window...after making sure my fire hadn't completely gone out, I set to dressing myself. All the girls at Lunarenstein were taught how to dress without a ladies maid. I only knew what a ladies maid was from a girl who'd left some years before and had gone to far off places. She'd explained everything about cosmopolitan life in other places and showed us what a corset was. We did not wear those here, and for that I was glad.

I took time in dressing in a long-sleeved wool shirt and matching leggings. I was used to the itchy fabric by now. Then I pulled on a colorful dress of blue, green and orange, the one Magdalena said brought out the nonexistent color in my eyes and stood in front of my mirror to see if something could be done about my useless hair. Today was Saturday. We'd be going into town today. Today we'd see Gregori and Stefan, the two handsomest of the local boys. My stomach unexpectedly trilled and I made myself laugh at my reflection in the looking glass. The village boys, no matter how ugly or stupid, did not look at me, did not notice me. I did not have Magdalena's curves or Lise's sweet smile or Ileana's statuesque bueaty or Rosalyn's spun gold hair or Niamh's sooty eyelashes.

We set off after a small breakfast. Only the girls older than fourteen were allowed into town, which meant it was us six older girls plus three other girls. Delphine and her right hand woman, Brigitte - a sour faced woman who was in her early fourties but looked at least twenty years older - always came with us to supervise as we went from store to store, picking up our goods for the week. All the younger girls eyed us with a mixture of jealousy and sadness each time we pulled away, but we always managed to get something sweet at the grocer for them. I remembered watching the older girls as they went off with Delphine and wishing that just for once, she'd treat me special and take me with her when she went to town.

Now, as we bundled up into the sleigh, I looked back to Lunarstein. Its white walls made it look particularly bleak against the grey sky, the grey smoke and the snow covered evergreens. To me, though, if I looked beyond the castle to only the trees and the forest and the mountains, it was the most beautiful thing I could ever hope to see. Despite all my resentment towards Delphine and towards Lunarenstein, a large part of me felt like I simply belonged here.

Or maybe that was simply because I'd been here so long I knew no other home.

Magdalena nudged me in the sleigh as we took off down the road towards the village. She was all smiles and the cold make her pink cheeks look fresh and healthy. She was a picture of loveliness and envy stabbed me sharp through the stomach, almost as if she'd hit me with one of her arrows. "Stefan says he's giving me a present today. He told me so last week. I tried to cajole him into telling me, but he wouldn't. Each day has made me more and more excited. I cannot wait to see what he is giving me!"

"It is probably no more than his dirty, used handkerchief," Rosalyn replied, lifting her chin. She sat tucked into Niamh. Rosalyn had been here as long as I had, but had always had disconcerting presence about her, almost as if she looked down upon me. She had a dark, alluring smile that I knew had seduced many of the boys in town. I could still remember the first time I'd caught Rosalyn letting a boy into the castle. She was fourteen and I only one year her junior. I'd been down in the kitchens fetching a cup of water when I saw her let him in. She'd kissed him full on the lips and had led him to her bed chamber. For a fleeting, white hot moment I'd been so terribly jealous; at thirteen I'd wanted a man's arms around me, wanted to feel his lips on my neck, wanted all I'd read in One Thousand and One Nights. Now I knew...differently perhaps. I saw sometimes how Rosalyn looked out the windows, not so unlike the way I might. She'd been letting boys in regularly since the first time I saw her. I didn't always know but I could tell. She looked different on days when they'd were coming. Flushed, happy. The next morning her eyes would be glassy and I knew that she was no more waiting for her Prince Charming than I was waiting for a way out. Rosalyn was a feircesome huntress, that I knew. When a wolf was wounded, it was most always her. She'd already killed two. She hunted with anger and hostility.

She and Niamh were twins, although they couldn't look any more different. I remembered when Niamh came. Delphine had been gone for a long time when I was four. When she came back, it was with a dark skinned child with hair as soft as goose down and the longest eyelashes I'd ever seen. She was called Niamh and she came from a far off place that was always warm and always had blue sky - except when it rained, she told us. When it rained, she explained, it rained to wash away the world. She was a secretive girl and was drawn to Rosalyn's flaxen haired beauty. Rosalyn only wished to befriend her to order her around, but Niamh could not be bent to Rosalyn's will and when the blonde haired girl realized that, she made Niamh her best friend.

As they grew, they'd developed followers. Most of the twelve, thirteen, fourteen and fifteen year olds followed them as if their word was law. They were the girls who laughed at my daydreams, who sniggered when I was punished, who whispered about my faults. Taunting me was one of their favorite pastimes. Making a point of ignoring them was not one of mine, however, I did it.

Now Magdalena only frowned. She was ten times as beautiful as Rosalyn and a thousand times nicer. When she'd first come here I was seven and lonely. Rosalyn had seen in Magdalena not someone to order about, but someone to adore her. To Rosalyn, Magdalena and her beauty was a threat. Magdalena ignored her attempts of friendship, however, and for some reason, became my one and only true friend. Magdalena was able to shrug of Rosalyn and Niamh's jibes and taunts in ways I couldn't. At night I would sometimes wake up sweating after a terrible dream where either Niamh or Rosalyn had pushed me off a cliff or had made me eat a poisonous mushroom or anything else. I knew Magdalena slept soundly and I envied her for that. Now, she looked at me. "I asked him to bring two of whatever the present was," she told me. "One for me, one for you."

I did not have to look to see Niamh and Rosalyn grinning at that. I knew what they wanted to say. I was not pretty enough to have my own sweetheart so I must rely on Magdalena's to make me presents. I flushed. "I'm perfectly fine without a silly trinket, Magdalena, however, it was quite thoughtful to ask."

At the end of our seat, Lise piped up. "If it is a book, Magdalena, I'll take it."

Niamh giggled. "Of course she will," I heard her say to Rosalyn under her breath. Sitting at the end of our bench were Lise and Ileana. They both were quiet; Lise in a kind way, Ileana in a serious way. They'd been here as long as I could remember as well and had been friends long before I knew what I was feeling towards them was envy. They could sit and read the same book for hours and hours on end, sometimes discussing, sometimes not. When the hunt, came, though, they were all about it and nothing else. Lise was able to drop her gentle, shy demeanor instantly and Ileana looked on the killing with grave eyes. Now they sat in the sleigh, going over their money. We were sometimes given coins if we did good things around the castle, mostly domestic chores. Whenever Lise and Ileana had money, they'd put it together and buy a book.

Magdalena smiled, ignoring Niamh's words. "Of course, if he gives me two books I'll give them both to you. You know I am not much of a reader." I nestled my chin deeper within my fur coat and knitted woolen scarf. Sitting next to Niamh and Rosalyn were the three younger girls who looked up at them as if they were looking at their god. The two older girls, of course, paid them no attention. They rarely did, only when they needed them. The younger girls' only reward was sitting with them sometimes at tea and after supper. Their obedience annoyed me but I knew I must stifle that annoyance lest I be a hypocrite. The way the younger girls followed Niamh and Rosalyn around was the same way I'd followed a couple of older girls around. They'd been much nicer, of course, but never really my friend.

When we arrived at the village, we were all helped off the sleigh. We all helped Delphine and Brigitte get our purchases and then while they went to have a coffee at the local inn, we were allowed to have our own time. Lise and Ileana went off to the bookstore and Niamh, Rosalyn and their merry band of revelers went towards a shop that sold ribbons. I followed Magdalena to the tavern where we were greeted with hugs and warm salutations, the way we always were. Sitting at the bar were Stefan and Gregori. They were brothers and looked similar in the fact that they had pale faces, long noses, squre chins, green eyes and dark hair. Stefan's face was a little bit more round and his face was a little less symmetrical. When he saw Magdalena, he grinned and motioned for the bartender to come over. We took a seat next to him at the bar. Gregori sat on Stefan's left side and I sat on Magdalena's right, so as soon as Magdalena turned only in the slightest to talk with Stefan, she turned away from me. I knew she didn't intentionally try to exlude. I knew I excluded myself. But I felt making a decent conversation much too difficult and I never would have the confidence Magdalena had.

She showed me what Stefan had made her. It was a small wood flute that he'd carved himself. I watched as Magdalena's smile grew into a grin as he presented it to her. It was not his handkerchief, nor was it a book. It was a token of his dedication and care for her. She kissed him on the cheek and he flushed red. I wondered if he'd ever been in Rosalyn's bed. Stefan asked to take a walk with her and I was no idiot. I knew what that meant and I knew that I was not invited. Magdalena kissed my hair before leaving and smiled as she walked out the door with Stefan. I turned to see Gregori sliding one chair over, a tense smile playing on his lips.

"I'm sorry," I said as soon as he'd moved one chair over. "I am sure I'm not the company you wish to have." Gregori hesitated and did not deny what I'd said, which made me shove my fingers in between my legs, the way I did when I was nervous. "You don't have to stay-"

At that moment, Rosalyn and Niamh burst into the tavern. They did not have the other girls with them, which led me to believe that they'd left them at the ribbon shop in search of Stefan and Gregori. Rosalyn walked up to Gregori and smiled at him. "Care to buy us a drink?" she asked him. Gregori's face relaxed. I slipped away before he told Rosalyn and Niamh to take a seat, before he told his friend Sergei to come and chat and before I could swept under the rug once more like a pile of dirt; serving no purpose other than being in the way. As I let myself out into the cold, I cursed myself. I hated this awful self pity. I didn't want to feel this way. I wished to feel powerful and confident the way Rosalyn did, yet kind the way Magdalena was. Instead I was only awkward.

It soon came time to depart and for that I was glad. I was the first in the sleigh and as soon as everyone was bundled in, we set off. Magdalena looked flushed now in a different way than she had when she'd arrived. Her hair was a bit mussed and her eyes were bright. Jealousy drove its knife deeper in my stomach and at once, the dream I had of the man came to my head and I ached even harder. I missed him, whoever he was. I wanted him to be real more than anything, I wanted him to hold me the way he had. The childish emotion I'd felt at thirteen when I'd seen Rosalyn and that first man was back, this time, though, it was deeper. I knew what was out there and I wanted it. Wanted at least a taste of it.

Lunarenstein was ever the same as we pulled up, but I noticed something different. At the edge of the forest, just like the day before, a black dog stood. Dog. As the other girls traipsed off into the castle, I set off towards Dog. At once I heard Delphine's voice stopping me. "Where do you think you're running off to?" she asked, her voice crisp. The reminder of her slap yesterday made me obedient today. I would not speak out of line again, not unless I wished to truly be hurt.

"Just to go see that dog. It came to us yesterday and I took it inside but somehow it made its way back out into the forest. I'm afraid it doesn't have a home."

Delphine stared at the dog. "Well, I have never objected to animals in the castle before this. If he wishes, he can stay."

Warm relief spread through me as she and Brigitte walked tersely towards the castle. I turned back to Dog, who loped towards me. Soon I was all alone with the the sky, the smoke, the castle, the forest, the mountains and Dog. I smiled as I saw him and bent down to pat him on his back. He smiled up at me, his tongue wagging. "Where were you this morning?" I murmured to him, scratching that place behind his ear. "You simply disappeared! I was worried about you." I grinned at Dog, who pawed my boot.

Sorry, Aurora. The words were as clear as if they'd been spoken aloud. I stopped petting and leaned away, at once feeling wary of Dog. Delphine had said little on the subject of other enchanted creatures in the forest, but the possibility was always there, she'd told us. Things that did not come from the mortal world could be found in the forest, which was why it was the forest of the Queen of the Moon and the Liche Queen. I'd never seen anything but the wolves in it, but that did not mean nothing else was there. Dog noticed my hesitation and looked up at me, smiling. Don't be frightened. His words were soft, lilting, as if his voice were the breeze. I swear I shall not hurt you.

I swallowed. "Do you belong in the forest?"

He nodded his large head. That was where I was last night. I returned home.

"Are you good then?" I questioned. "Or bad?"

He did not speak for quite awhile. After some time, I heard him whine. Nothing in the forest is good or bad, Aurora, he told me. It just is. When he looked at me, I knew he was talking about the wolves and I knew he was right. I never could quite comprehend the mindset that the wolves were evil, even if I tried my hardest to believe so. Something about their eyes, maybe, or their fur or the way I felt like crying when we killed one made me think that they were more than what we'd ever be able to understand. They were people as well, even if they were only half of people. When we killed the wolves, we killed something like a human soul.

"Even the Liche Queen?" I asked eventually.

Come with me, he said and took me to the very edge of the forest. He stepped beyond the trees, but I stayed within the boundaries of Schloss Lunarenstein. Dog looked back and when I shook my head, he retreated to be next to me. My hand found its way to his neck, where I sratched absentmindedly. I almost asked what we were looking for, but in the trees I saw some movement. Maybe it was just the patter of a tiny squirell or maybe it was the swish of dark cloaks, I did not know. We just looked. Deep in the forest, Dog said to me, There is an old woman. And the rivers of all the worlds flow from her eyes. He was quiet for a moment. That is the Liche Queen. Do not fear her. Pity her.

For some reason, it felt as if something was beginning. As if the gears of a large clock were starting to turn, as if they'd been winding up for some time now and finally they were being set to work as they must. I wanted to tell Dog that for some reason I felt like I was meant to do something, but could not say what, if anything. My hand stopped scratching Dog and I listened to my breath and to his. It finally came to my mind that I was standing next to a dog whose words I could hear but who was not speaking. I'd seen the wolves turn into humans, and so I was not too phased by Dog. Still, his voice did make me uneasy and I wondered if I really could trust him. What if he was some dark thing under an enchantment? What if he was an agent of the Liche Queen? But why would he be telling me to pity someone he worked for. No, I knew Dog was innocent. I also knew there was more to him. More to him I may never find out. As I thought about that, however, I realized I cared very little. Dog made me feel calm the way even Magdalena could not. Dog had comforted me yesterday.

And then all of a sudden, I heard branches cracking in the woods. A wolf appeared behind the trees. My hand closed in on Dog's ruff, and he whined a little but did not make too much movement. The wolf, one with pure white fur stood in the snow. Then, it began to change until at last it was a beautiful, strong woman wearing nothing more than brown leather covering her breasts and deep tan leggins. She wore no shoes on her feet and her lighter, but still dark, hair was cut off and scraggly at her chin. Her face was deadly yet seductive, as if she laid with men and then killed them after. She stared at me for a long while before turning back and running through the woods, human. Now she, Dog said, You should fear.

"Who is she?" I breathed.

Dog pawed in the snow. Lourdes, he said, his voice tense. Lourdes of the Wolves.