It's Not Your Fault
Chapter 9
“Dani?” Evan touched my arm. I jumped.
“Hm? What? Oh…sorry…”
“It’s ok. So…did the doctors tell you what’s wrong with…” he trailed off and gestured to the bed. I nodded.
“She tried to…well…she was found in the bathroom and…they said that…” I was surprised at how hard it was for me to say it. “She OD’ed,” I blurted finally. Evan’s eyes widened.
“Oh my God,” he murmured, pulling me into a hug. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
My throat burned threateningly. I knew what was coming, but I tried to hold it back. As usual, it didn’t work.
“It’s ok,” I sniffled into his shirt. “It’s not like you could’ve done anything to stop it.”
He patted my back. “That might be true, but it’s definitely not ok. And I can definitely do something now to help. You don’t have to hold it back, by the way.”
I broke down and wrapped my arms around him, shaking with sobs. Sofia spun around and stared at me, alarmed, as I cried. “I just can’t believe she’d do something like that!” I choked out. “I mean, I knew she wasn’t exactly the happiest person on earth, but I didn’t know she was THAT depressed! And she never even said anything to Fia and me; we had no idea what she was going through. I’m so unbelievably confused now! She kept so much from us, when we could’ve helped. And I guess I didn’t make her feel any better by treating her like shit. I’m such a horrible daughter. I could’ve stopped this, I should’ve done something, I should’ve tried to talk to her, I—“
Evan lifted my head up and clapped his hand over my mouth. I hiccupped.
“Could you please stop blaming yourself? Honestly. You probably couldn’t have done much even if you had tried. If your mom tried to…end her life…she was clearly in so deep that it would take a miracle to save her. And here’s your miracle. Someone found her. All you can do now is look to the future, plan on making life better for her as she recovers.”
I licked his palm to make him move. He wiped his hand on my sweater. I opened my mouth to say something that would probably be a little too sarcastic for a hospital room, but he cut me off.
“And, if I hear one more word of self-blame from your mouth, I will lock my windows and my door so you can’t sneak in anymore.”
I scowled at him but didn’t say anything. I untangled myself from his arms and sat up again, wiping my eyes. “Fine,” I muttered. “I’ll stop ranting.” I looked up at Evan’s shirt and let out a sound that was a cross between an apology and a laugh. There was a giant dark patch on his shoulder, where my tears had soaked the green shirt through. I saw streaks of black and figured I looked horrible. “Sorry,” I sniffled, pointing at Evan’s shoulder.
He turned his head. “Oh,” he said, waving my apology away. “Don’t worry about it. I have more shirts, I’ll change later.”
I smiled thankfully at him. “Can we go home?” I asked him quietly. He nodded. I turned around to tell Sofia that we were leaving, but I couldn’t see her. I figured she left during my breakdown. I sighed and shook my head. Whatever. I don’t particularly want to deal with her now anyway. I stood up and zipped up my sweater, then turned to look at my mom one last time.
Her face looked paler than it had a few minutes ago. Or was it just my tired eyes making it seem that way? I reached out, hesitated, and then touched my sleeping mother’s face. Her skin felt soft and cool. I kept my hand on her face for a moment, then grabbed my things and turned to go. Evan followed suit. I paused in the doorway to look back one more time.
The doctor had said she’d be spending most of the next few days asleep. I wondered what I was supposed to make of that. Was I scared? Oh yes. Guilty? Definitely. But honestly…would it feel any different at home? Probably not—it’ll be like those times when she just doesn’t spend the night at home. I felt odd when I realized that my thoughts were true, but I shook it off and headed out the door.
Evan paid for the cab ride home. When we got up to my door, I fiddled with my keys.
“Dani…” Evan began soothingly. “There’s always room for one more person at my place. You know that.”
I considered this for a minute, and then shoved my key back into my pocket. “Yeah, ok. That sounds…really good,” I said. God knows I didn’t want to stay at my own place. Evan smiled and turned back to the stairs. I threw one more glance at the door to my apartment before hurrying after him, trying my hardest not to fall.
“Hm? What? Oh…sorry…”
“It’s ok. So…did the doctors tell you what’s wrong with…” he trailed off and gestured to the bed. I nodded.
“She tried to…well…she was found in the bathroom and…they said that…” I was surprised at how hard it was for me to say it. “She OD’ed,” I blurted finally. Evan’s eyes widened.
“Oh my God,” he murmured, pulling me into a hug. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
My throat burned threateningly. I knew what was coming, but I tried to hold it back. As usual, it didn’t work.
“It’s ok,” I sniffled into his shirt. “It’s not like you could’ve done anything to stop it.”
He patted my back. “That might be true, but it’s definitely not ok. And I can definitely do something now to help. You don’t have to hold it back, by the way.”
I broke down and wrapped my arms around him, shaking with sobs. Sofia spun around and stared at me, alarmed, as I cried. “I just can’t believe she’d do something like that!” I choked out. “I mean, I knew she wasn’t exactly the happiest person on earth, but I didn’t know she was THAT depressed! And she never even said anything to Fia and me; we had no idea what she was going through. I’m so unbelievably confused now! She kept so much from us, when we could’ve helped. And I guess I didn’t make her feel any better by treating her like shit. I’m such a horrible daughter. I could’ve stopped this, I should’ve done something, I should’ve tried to talk to her, I—“
Evan lifted my head up and clapped his hand over my mouth. I hiccupped.
“Could you please stop blaming yourself? Honestly. You probably couldn’t have done much even if you had tried. If your mom tried to…end her life…she was clearly in so deep that it would take a miracle to save her. And here’s your miracle. Someone found her. All you can do now is look to the future, plan on making life better for her as she recovers.”
I licked his palm to make him move. He wiped his hand on my sweater. I opened my mouth to say something that would probably be a little too sarcastic for a hospital room, but he cut me off.
“And, if I hear one more word of self-blame from your mouth, I will lock my windows and my door so you can’t sneak in anymore.”
I scowled at him but didn’t say anything. I untangled myself from his arms and sat up again, wiping my eyes. “Fine,” I muttered. “I’ll stop ranting.” I looked up at Evan’s shirt and let out a sound that was a cross between an apology and a laugh. There was a giant dark patch on his shoulder, where my tears had soaked the green shirt through. I saw streaks of black and figured I looked horrible. “Sorry,” I sniffled, pointing at Evan’s shoulder.
He turned his head. “Oh,” he said, waving my apology away. “Don’t worry about it. I have more shirts, I’ll change later.”
I smiled thankfully at him. “Can we go home?” I asked him quietly. He nodded. I turned around to tell Sofia that we were leaving, but I couldn’t see her. I figured she left during my breakdown. I sighed and shook my head. Whatever. I don’t particularly want to deal with her now anyway. I stood up and zipped up my sweater, then turned to look at my mom one last time.
Her face looked paler than it had a few minutes ago. Or was it just my tired eyes making it seem that way? I reached out, hesitated, and then touched my sleeping mother’s face. Her skin felt soft and cool. I kept my hand on her face for a moment, then grabbed my things and turned to go. Evan followed suit. I paused in the doorway to look back one more time.
The doctor had said she’d be spending most of the next few days asleep. I wondered what I was supposed to make of that. Was I scared? Oh yes. Guilty? Definitely. But honestly…would it feel any different at home? Probably not—it’ll be like those times when she just doesn’t spend the night at home. I felt odd when I realized that my thoughts were true, but I shook it off and headed out the door.
Evan paid for the cab ride home. When we got up to my door, I fiddled with my keys.
“Dani…” Evan began soothingly. “There’s always room for one more person at my place. You know that.”
I considered this for a minute, and then shoved my key back into my pocket. “Yeah, ok. That sounds…really good,” I said. God knows I didn’t want to stay at my own place. Evan smiled and turned back to the stairs. I threw one more glance at the door to my apartment before hurrying after him, trying my hardest not to fall.