A Night Without Stars
I known that I was going to die for 11 years, since the young age of 5 years old.
I remember that one day, it changed my life and the way I look at things in this world. Seeing mom cry almost everyday, for days... soon thoes days turned to weeks and eventualy, months.
She would sleep with me almost everynight, read me stories. Sometimes I could hear her sobs, and I can hear her praying across the hall.
Shortly after that couple of months... Doctors, Hospitals, Needles and blood became a new part of my everyday life. Along with drugs and certain eating diets. Everyday, mom would tell me she that she will love me forever and always... with a hug and a kiss on the forhead.
Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanks Giving... our whole family, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandpas, grandmas, everyone. They would all kiss me on the head with a tight hug, grinning from ear to ear they would whisper a simple 'God Blessed You Child' and then they would hand me a gift.
No matter how big, small, shiny, dull, expensive, cheap, ugly, beautiful, worthless, meaningful or just cards.. I'd love them either way. The only thing that bothered me was Isabella.
She was obvious to the attention I was getting, the gift galore, I would always get a tiny bit more then her. It upset me. So every night when everyone was sleeping, I would crawl out of my bed and into her room, and lay down with her.
She'd smile at me and give me a hug. While I whisper the simple words to her, every single night.
'I'll love you forever and always. You'll be my big sister and I'll be your little brother. Mommy and Daddy love you just as much as they love me. Don't forget it and someday you will see" I'd kiss her nose with a soft smile, and lay down with her for a while.
I finally got to the concept of dying at the age of 8. I would cry at random times, thinking to much about my death in the future. But I accepted death to part of my life. I accepted all the unwanted things.
Then mom and dad divorced and Phil came into my life, so did Arizona. I loved the heat, but I'd rather the rain. I quickly got used to the weather change and would call dad every week, updating him about my health, Isabella, mom and everything else going on in my life.
I am now 16, living in Arizona with Phil and my mother, Renee. While Isabella is gone to my fahters, Charlie. She is 18 and is now legal to live with anyone, or anywhere she wants. Yet she choses to live there with my father. She has the best luck.
In total, I've died about 2 times in my life when my heart stopped. I've had about 3 suicidal attempts and 10 self abuse cases.
I've stopped that all now though. I've accepted this death, for sure this time and I am ready to die. I told my mother, and Phil I'd rather not know my estimated life span, and what type of Caner I had.
Every night, my mom makes me prey to God with her. She tells me she loves me and kisses my forhead, and then leaves with a silent wave and into her room, falling asleep.
I've been asked by many shrinks, what I think about my life and why.
I'd answer with the same simple words.
'My life is like a night without the stars. You get to have the chance to look at the moon, and its beauty. It's amazing...but it's not like every other night. Because every other night, is better, it's complete'
I close the book, my first page in my journal I started to write on the first day of being the age of 16.... one month ago.
I twirl the plain black book in my hands, the simple black pen placed in the front and the single silve J on it.
I look out the airplane widow with sad eyes. I'm going to miss mother, and Phil. But I know I'll pass the feeling slightly when I see Isabella, and her newest husband, Edward Cullen for the first time.
I was mad at myself for missing the wedding, it was beautiful as everyone explained it. I was sitting in a hospital, watching the plain white ceiling at the time of their vows and the kiss.. along with the reception.
Living with father is deffinately going to be different I know, as does mother. So she told me if I ever want to come home, call and she will bring me home immideatly.
The seatbelft flashes a brihgt red on the front of the first class seats. I bluckle up smoothly and wait for the plane to make the buttflies in my tummy and my ears pop.
I remember that one day, it changed my life and the way I look at things in this world. Seeing mom cry almost everyday, for days... soon thoes days turned to weeks and eventualy, months.
She would sleep with me almost everynight, read me stories. Sometimes I could hear her sobs, and I can hear her praying across the hall.
Shortly after that couple of months... Doctors, Hospitals, Needles and blood became a new part of my everyday life. Along with drugs and certain eating diets. Everyday, mom would tell me she that she will love me forever and always... with a hug and a kiss on the forhead.
Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanks Giving... our whole family, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandpas, grandmas, everyone. They would all kiss me on the head with a tight hug, grinning from ear to ear they would whisper a simple 'God Blessed You Child' and then they would hand me a gift.
No matter how big, small, shiny, dull, expensive, cheap, ugly, beautiful, worthless, meaningful or just cards.. I'd love them either way. The only thing that bothered me was Isabella.
She was obvious to the attention I was getting, the gift galore, I would always get a tiny bit more then her. It upset me. So every night when everyone was sleeping, I would crawl out of my bed and into her room, and lay down with her.
She'd smile at me and give me a hug. While I whisper the simple words to her, every single night.
'I'll love you forever and always. You'll be my big sister and I'll be your little brother. Mommy and Daddy love you just as much as they love me. Don't forget it and someday you will see" I'd kiss her nose with a soft smile, and lay down with her for a while.
I finally got to the concept of dying at the age of 8. I would cry at random times, thinking to much about my death in the future. But I accepted death to part of my life. I accepted all the unwanted things.
Then mom and dad divorced and Phil came into my life, so did Arizona. I loved the heat, but I'd rather the rain. I quickly got used to the weather change and would call dad every week, updating him about my health, Isabella, mom and everything else going on in my life.
I am now 16, living in Arizona with Phil and my mother, Renee. While Isabella is gone to my fahters, Charlie. She is 18 and is now legal to live with anyone, or anywhere she wants. Yet she choses to live there with my father. She has the best luck.
In total, I've died about 2 times in my life when my heart stopped. I've had about 3 suicidal attempts and 10 self abuse cases.
I've stopped that all now though. I've accepted this death, for sure this time and I am ready to die. I told my mother, and Phil I'd rather not know my estimated life span, and what type of Caner I had.
Every night, my mom makes me prey to God with her. She tells me she loves me and kisses my forhead, and then leaves with a silent wave and into her room, falling asleep.
I've been asked by many shrinks, what I think about my life and why.
I'd answer with the same simple words.
'My life is like a night without the stars. You get to have the chance to look at the moon, and its beauty. It's amazing...but it's not like every other night. Because every other night, is better, it's complete'
I close the book, my first page in my journal I started to write on the first day of being the age of 16.... one month ago.
I twirl the plain black book in my hands, the simple black pen placed in the front and the single silve J on it.
I look out the airplane widow with sad eyes. I'm going to miss mother, and Phil. But I know I'll pass the feeling slightly when I see Isabella, and her newest husband, Edward Cullen for the first time.
I was mad at myself for missing the wedding, it was beautiful as everyone explained it. I was sitting in a hospital, watching the plain white ceiling at the time of their vows and the kiss.. along with the reception.
Living with father is deffinately going to be different I know, as does mother. So she told me if I ever want to come home, call and she will bring me home immideatly.
The seatbelft flashes a brihgt red on the front of the first class seats. I bluckle up smoothly and wait for the plane to make the buttflies in my tummy and my ears pop.