Phrases Left On Paper

The weather was so frigidly cold these days that I did my best to avoid it at all costs. My room wasn't a prison, exactly, but sometimes it felt like it. It certainly felt better to sit in it all the time than be out in the living room where the united happy family spent their time. Bearable at first, my heart began to ache with loneliness after just over a week of it. And it continued for the nearly two months since then. My room, with the blinds down to block out the city beyond the windows, was the best cell anyone could ask for, in my opinion.

Classes were boring and slow, building up to finals before winter break. You'd think with such an event on the horizon that I would be flustered and busy, busy and flustered. School was all I had really worried about for so long and it had been my main and only cause for stress. Not even that could beat me down anymore. I was unhappy about my single state, but I wasn't disappointed about anything else. All I could think of was Alex and the others.

They were still gone, on tour, but only for a few more days. They would be in New York even sooner -within a few hours, according to what Alex was telling me, if I wanted to be precise- and I was beyond ecstatic. I had consistently told them no to going with them, and I regretted that every moment I walked back into the apartment. I missed them and the company they provided. The way I felt around them was better than I felt around anyone. And I was glad Alex still called me everyday -even if it wasn't as long or at all hours- because if it wasn't for him, my vocal cords wouldn't get any use.

Since I was going to have all the time off for break, I was making a big decision. Usually for Christmas, Hadley and I did something small for Daniel before the actual holiday. Then she'd take him to Maryland to visit her parents and I would either stay home or take a trip to see my own family. This year was going to be completely different. Hadley and Daniel were going to be introduced to Marshall's family the day after break started, and then vice versa for Marshall. She'd be gone until school started again. I had no plans and would be alone for the entire time. And that was the reason I was choosing to go back to my home state for the first time in over three years.

I hadn't told anyone yet, and wasn't sure if I would until the moment I showed up on Alex's doorstep. My decision had been made weeks ago, but this detail was something I was still contemplating. I guess you could say that I was nervous about the possibility of being rejected. My stomach did flips every time I thought of a new scenario.

I packed a little each day, and that's what I was doing when Hadley knocked on my door. I knew that it wasn't Daniel and the chances that it was anyone other than my best friend were slim. So I grabbed everything folded on my bed to throw in the suitcase on the floor, flipped the top shut, and kicked it under the bed before telling her to come in. She looked around suspiciously after she opened the door, and I feared that she had heard the commotion of me hiding everything. But a smile broke on her face after just a few seconds to let me know she was only joking.

"What're you doing?" she asked, leaning against the dresser. Her tone didn't tell me that she suspected anything and I gave a silent sigh of relief.

"Getting ready for class," I answered with partial truth. It was a bit early at almost seven in the morning. I was just too anxious to say in bed. I would find something to do to occupy myself until eight-thirty if she decided to stick around in my room for any length of time.

Hadley didn't question why I was so ahead of schedule anyway. "Have you figured out what you're going to do for Christmas?" she inquired. Just curious and worried like any friend would be about someone who was supposedly choosing to stay alone for such a majorly family-oriented holiday.

My teeth clamped together before I could spit out my plans. I wanted to tell her, yet it just didn't seem worth it. "Stay here, I think. We'll see how I feel in a few days," I shrugged, being nonchalant about it. She would find out eventually. She opened her mouth and I knew immediately what she was going to suggest. "No, I can't come with you guys. I'm only Daniel's unrelated aunt. Are you coming with me tonight, or are you guys leaving after Marsh gets off?" I changed the subject before she could argue. If I couldn't stand the love radiating from them now, I could only imagine -and wince at- it when the extended family was involved.

Hadley sighed in defeat and went on to tell me that she would try to make it. If she couldn't stay for the whole show -which I knew she wouldn't be able to- she at least wanted to see the guys. I just nodded and pretended like I knew this was a definite thing. Her life had changed completely recently. It was horrible that I wanted to hate her. It was a terrific thing that it just wasn't physically possible for me to.

I grabbed my bag from beside her and picked up the book with the notebook stuck in it from the floor beside my bed. "I think I'm gonna go," I told her a bit awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot rapidly. "Is Daniel up?" I moved to the door, ready to leave with my hand on the knob so I could close it when she'd exited.

She moved out ahead of me as she spoke. I was slowly following. "He fell asleep again on the couch," she stated.

With my own sigh, I nodded. My arms opened when she stopped at the threshold and she happily obliged. "If you don't make it tonight, be careful. Give Daniel a kiss and tell him I'll miss him. Tell Marshall I said hi," I rambled on, still clinging on to my best friend as if I would never see her again.

We pulled apart and smiled at each other before I went to get my winter coat. After I pulled it on, I bent in front of the sofa to kiss the little boy's forehead. I slung my bag over my shoulder when I stood again, the book shoved in among everything else. As I was heading out the door, I spun around again. "And Hadley," I called. She peeked her head out of the kitchen. "I'll miss you, too."

Hadley beamed at me with no hesitation. "I'll miss you, too, Clarke."

With that, I was out the door, on my way to find something to fill the morning.

I was glad it was Friday and I was elated about my plans for the night. I thought about it the entire time I sat in the usual coffee shop. Studying the book in front of me was shadowed by my overjoyed feelings. I speculated that I had never looked forward to something more.

I rushed through my insignificant test, feeling as confident as I could about how I did. The rest of the day was much the same, flying by in a blur. Hadley and Daniel were gone when I got home in the afternoon after work. Just like I had predicted, they were already heading to Marshall's hometown.

I thought about lying around for a while, revel in the empty state of the house to simply calm down. That action just didn't seem possible, so I got ready just as quickly as I'd done everything else. Walking would have been too slow for me, in addition to it being too cold out. I took a cab for the first time since I'd moved to the city. I couldn't wait any longer to get to my destination.

The line was already long and leading far away form the front doors of the venue. Every person waiting in it looked at me as if they were wishing my immediate death as I pulled the door open and walked right in. The girl walking by the next set of doors gave me a polite smile as she slowed down. She was completely ready to help me or tow me back outside. I smiled back, my mouth opening to tell her who I was looking for when someone slammed into me from behind. My feet were off the ground and my giggles came out strangled from the lack and lose of air.

"You're here!" Alex screamed, letting me down. I was barely turned around when he embraced me again, properly this time.

"I texted you that I was coming," I reminded, the smile apparent in my voice while he continued to hug me. I couldn't complain. My arms were just as tight around him. A month and a half was entirely too long. How had I lasted three years?

When I pulled away from him, he took my hand to lead me to the others. My heart leapt, but I ignored it and let him lace our fingers. He was already babbling away about something the moment our feet were moving. I paid attention, but not close enough to know what the subject was. I was just enjoying the sound of his voice in person rather than over a phone and hundreds of miles.

Jack was the first to bound over to us when we walked through the door. Alex dropped my hand to let me hug Jack, stepping only to the side an inch. My brain was buzzing with joy I couldn't contain. Jack was quickly followed by Rian and Zack, a quick hug for each of them. Alex was still at my side when I was free -the other three also had a hard time not staying gathered around me- and he introduced me to the few other people that had been in the room. They were all members of the bands on the tour and all seemed nice enough to me. They just weren't who I'd come to see.

A door opened, revealing the last light of day and bringing a cold blast of air with it. The person was just a silhouette to me until the metal door slammed shut, making it echo throughout the room. My hands were on my hips when I noticed who it was.

"James Matthew Flyzik, how come you weren't here to reunite with me after entirely too long?" I questioned once he was close enough.

He just smirked at me and enveloped me in a hug that we were both long overdue for.

My life was absolutely complete again with the return of the five boys who had shaped me.

________________________________________________

I spent most of the afternoon with Alex, though Jack was pleased to pull me away now and then. I laughed at what seemed to be thousands of jokes and actions, met everyone that had been with them for these two months, witnessed some things my eyes would never un-see, and was forced to eat when food arrived. A smile never left my face. I was hardly able to breathe due to laughing so much. By the time the first band went on, I was tired and thrilled, too thrilled to even think of sleeping.

I watched a few songs, Alex insisting to be attached to my hand. I had become fast friends with all the girls braving the time with all these boys. Cassadee was standing to my other side now and after a few minutes, I caught Courtney's eye way out at the merch tables and I gave her a small wave. Juliet, though not on the tour, stood to Alex's right and watched with us to pass the time until she would sing with him. Once the last note was played -and the rap started up again- I brought up mine and Alex's connected hands to clap a few times with my other. He chuckled at me as everyone passed us.

Cassadee made me promise to stick around after the show, which I had definitely already planned to do. She smiled and winked at me before running off to get ready for their set. Alex led the two of us behind her, going much slower and without a true destination. I looked over my shoulder at the brightly lit stage, hoping we made it back to watch. Then I remembered that it didn't really matter if I got to spend time with the five people I'd come to see.

Backstage was still hectic, but no one seemed worried. It was much the same antics as what we'd left it in. The green room was full, a few people scattered around with laptops in each's vicinity. I collapsed onto the closest couch after letting go of Alex's hand. It felt like it hadn't been by itself all night. He sat next to me without hesitation, draping his arm over my shoulders. I welcomed this as I lay my head on his own shoulder, feeling the wear of the day even more.

"Don't fall asleep on me, Holliday," he demanded, leaning forward to be able to look me in the eye.

I rolled my head to make it easier for him. Another smile -how many was this?- spread across my lips. "Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that. I've already seen what you guys do back here. I'm anxiously awaiting what goes down out there now, after all this time," I assured him with a slight nod in the direction of the stage.

Alex shook his head with a laugh, leaning back again. He ran his fingers through my hair absentmindedly, presumably liking that he was able to do it again. I closed my eyes to let it soothe me while we waited here.

"When are you getting rid of this color?" he asked suddenly.

My eyes popped open to see him pinching a few strands of my blonde hair between his fingers. He was looking at it with a wistful look in his eyes. "Tomorrow, actually," I answered, a bit surprised that he would be wondering. With some luck, I was going to get my original brown back. I would be glad to rid of this experiment.

Alex's face fell slightly. "Oh. We're still in New York tomorrow."

"Where at?"

"Like, three hours away..."

I snorted, "Sorry to say I won't be able to make it." I stood again finally, holding my hand out for his. He placed his in it and I pulled him up to lead him back to the stage. I could hear the fans screaming as drum beats began to announce the start of the second set. "Don't worry though. I won't wait until the next time you're here to see you guys," I promised. It would only be a matter of time until he found out how true that statement was.

The rest of the night continued in much the same manner. The conversation changed, if we had one at all. The room seemed to loose occupants every time we returned, and they didn't come back through the time that we sat there. The quiet -as much as it could be- was nice to sit in, listening to the distant music, live or recorded.

I was laughing again when Matt began coming to the door to urge Alex to prepare. The latter was reluctant, wanting to continue and finish the recall of something that had happened a few weeks before. Tears were springing to my eyes, I was laughing so hard as I pictured it. I wanted him to go, just so I could regain some composure before I followed him to watch.

He pulled me up without warning as he finished the story, making the decision to finally do as told. He was trying to sing around guffaws, completely failing at properly warming his vocal cords. Matt threw him a pointed look as he handed Alex his guitar. Alex was cutting it close and he appeared to simply not care. He slung the strap over his head quickly, never taking his eyes off me. I began to grow uncomfortable under the intent stare.

I was trying to figure out what had gone wrong. We had been laughing moments ago. Now things felt awkward as I turned my head so I could only feel the gaze. I reached up to inconspicuously cover my face with my hair, leaving my fingertips on my cheek.

Alex took that hand, pushing it back down to my side. "Clarke, you don't know how I've missed you," he whispered.

I processed the words and was about to answer when his lips pressed to mine. Maybe I would have protested. His fingers dug into my hair though, pulling me closer to him, and I melted. My arms found some solidity to wrap around his neck. I tried to make myself pass through the obstacle of his guitar between us. My own fingers ran into his hair, putting pressure on his skull so he'd get the hint that I wanted him even closer than he was.

He did the opposite though. His hands moved to either side of my face as he pulled away. The smirk that I had known even before I knew him was permanent on his lips. He bent down for just another second to kiss me again, and I remembered the first kiss. Neither of us could get enough through just one then either.

"I have to go on," he stated, reminding me when I tried hard to get him back. "You're still gonna stay to watch, right?" I nodded, a sheepish grin on my face at remembering where we were. His grin widened into a real smile. "Great. Marky's coming up behind you. You'll like him. You can talk to him while you guys watch." He pulled me to him one more time, in a hug that was just as nice. He ran off then, going to be a rockstar.

I sighed, both content and slightly sad. I turned some, seeing a bearded and bespectacled boy coming toward me. Since he was the only other one left in the hall, I figured he was Marky. I already knew who he was -minus his appearance, obviously- and exactly why he was here. The two of us greeted each other and talked a bit, standing there to kill time. I was anxious to see Alex again though, so I led Marky to the stage not long after we were left alone.

It was like seeing them for the first time all over again, though I didn't even know what number this was for me. I knew that this was fueled by the feelings that were teeming in me now. They were the same ones I had had that first show, the first Saturday I had spent with my best friends. This time I had gotten a kiss to make those perceptions stronger.

I stuck around for a long time after the show was actually over. One hand was filled with a red cup and the other with Alex's hand almost the rest of the night. Neither of us mentioned the kiss and no one else even seemed to notice we were so attached. It was all right because it left room for me to think about it and not have to answer questions.

I walked home late that night, slightly drunk and remembering every kiss ever shared with Alex.