Phrases Left On Paper

I was curled up on the couch, clutching the blanket around myself and up to my ears to keep the warmth inside. I was partially coherent, having woken from some dream or another. There was a smile on my face, so I knew it had been a good one. I was still tired though, and I stretched out to turn to face the back of the couch. It had been an accident falling asleep out here, staying up too late and sitting on my laptop. But it had been a good accident, I decided, as I started to drift off again now that I was both warm and even more comfortable.

Distantly, I could hear my alarm clock start to go off down the hall. My eyes opened, staring at the brown fabric in front of me. Being told the time made me want to get up more than anything. I was still tired though and not looking forward to the temperature I was going to have to fight once I kicked the blanket off. All I had to do was remind myself again why I wanted to be up to make the move to do it. I sat up, shifting the blanket to drape over my shoulders, and walked to my room so I could start getting ready.

It was just after nine, and my train departure was at ten. My plans were still undefined to everyone that may ask but me. The reason I had been up so late was because I had been talking to Alex. We still never mentioned the kiss and, yet, I still hadn't been able to tell him that I was going to see him in person in just a few short hours. The only other person who knew I was returning to Maryland was Alex's mother, and that was only because I'd called her to find out his and Rian's new address. She made me promise that I would demand for him to bring me over to see her after I had gotten settled in.

I ran a brush through my dark brown hair, completely ignoring the flatiron I hadn't even bothered to pack. I was pleased with the color and the natural waves and curls I had been letting go for the past few days. I hoped that it wouldn't be a disappointment to anyone else. Alex had begged to see it through the video chat, but I just laughed and made sure my hair was still stuffed under the hat I'd stolen from him. While I continued my normal routine, I thought again about the night I'd gone to see them and Alex's obvious distaste for my blonde hair. I hoped that this was better for him. Maybe we could relive the kiss we'd shared if he liked it. I shook my head, trying to get back on track and get there without anymore fantasies.

I grabbed my bags when I was ready, piling one onto the larger suitcase as I placed my purse on my shoulder. I rolled the suitcase behind me, giving the apartment a once-over to make sure everything was in order. It hadn't been completely empty for the period of time it was going to be since the first Christmas we were here. It was depressing that I'd spent this major holiday alone two years straight. I just thanked the fact that I was changing that and shut all the negative thoughts away with the apartment when I closed the door.

I was still nervous about this decision. I used to jump to conclusions when something wasn't going the way I pictured it going. That quality of mine was coming back for a second showing. The entire train ride, I kept thinking of the possibilities of them not wanting me. What if I got there and all of a sudden they decided that I wasn't worth keeping around for the holiday? I sort of was just barging in, assuming that it would be all right. And there was always that kiss in the back of my mind. What did it mean? Would it affect their choice -negative or positive- when I presented myself to them? It was entirely too much to handle. I wondered why I couldn't just sleep against the cold, foggy window like the man across from me was doing.

It had been forever since I'd driven, and I knew that my lack of sleep added to that wasn't going to help with my next task. The rental car was the same blue as my car had been before I had crashed it. I looked at it ominously remembering back to that night. The key weighed heavily in my hand as I turned it over and over, stalling for a length of time that would have anyone else bouncing up and down in anticipation. I, on the other hand, was worried about so many different things now that I was sure that turning around and jumping on the first train back home was the best idea. My fears were always something I wanted to run away from, like every other person with sense. But I knew that I needed to leave that behind, and stop making the wrong assumptions.

I slipped into the driver's seat, forcing my heart to calm down when I turned the key in the ignition. The sound of the engine had the opposite effect than expected, soothing my frayed out nerves. I admired the snow on the ground as I worked my way through the familiar streets. The weather comforted me even when the roads were different and I was traveling through a part of town I couldn't remember ever traversing. Snow was my favorite form of precipitation again, and I was glad that it was here to accompany me on a day such as this.

The house came up sooner than I was expecting. I was having such a great time marveling at what used to be home that I believed that everything would go slowly to let me enjoy it. Then I remembered my declaration before I'd gotten in the car. If I'd been brave enough to actually drive, then I should live up to the other half and do away with the presumption.

I parked on the street, across from the nice home. I didn't waste any time staring at it in wonder or fear. I took the key from the ignition and pushed the door open, stepping back into the winter morning air. My heels clicked against the black asphalt of the road as I made my way toward the house. Surprise filled me when I reached the door, realizing that I wasn't feeling a thing that I had on the train. I was thrilled as my knuckles rapped against the wood of the door, sounding wonderful to my ears.

It didn't take long for someone to come, even though I had chosen to not ring the doorbell. I could hear whoever it was yell at someone else. I was sure I knew the voice, but I wasn't getting my hopes up just yet. But once the opened the door, it was safe to let the smile break across my face.

"Clarke!" Alex exclaimed. He didn't hesitate to step forward and throw his arms around my waist, lifting me up off the ground as he seemed to like doing. It didn't give me a chance to take the sight of him in, to appreciate the flannel shirt open over the white v-neck and the grey beanie on his head identical to the one stuffed in my purse. I certainly wasn't gong to complain since I was getting to wrap my own arms around his neck while he set me back down.

"Want a guest for the holidays?" I questioned with my face nuzzled in his neck. The answer was pretty much already obvious to anyone.

His head was on my shoulder, in much the same position as mine was, so I felt him nod. "That would be fantastic," he told me. His lips pressed to my neck once before he pulled away. "So why'd you decide to come? Not that I don't want you here," he reassured. He took my hand and pulled me into the house to give his words support. "But don't you want to spend time with your parents?" He took my bag from me as I answered so I was free to take my coat off.

"Hadley got done so much sooner than I did. So she left with Marshall like a week ago," I told him and pulled my arms from the sleeves of my winter jacket. I hung it with all the others by the door. I was already feeling better, and allowing the sense of home to take over. "And after the last time I went to see my parents, I will never go to Maine during Christmas again," I finished, taking my bag from him and placing it on my shoulder.

The two of us spent a minute just looking at each other. Our grins matched, as well as our moods. The happiness rolled off of us in waves that could scoop anyone into the undertow.

"God Clarke. You don't even know how fucking stoked I am that you're here right now," Alex stated after the silence. He stepped forward again and let his arms snake around me tightly. I would never get enough of being able to hug these boys again.

"Rian," he called, still attached to me. I reveled in the feeling of his fingers in my hair. "Come see who came to visit." He pulled away before anyone could see, but he let his hand trail down my arm to twine his fingers with mine and hid them behind our backs. "Your hair looks amazing, by the way," he whispered just as Rian came through a doorway.

The smile that was already large at the sight of Rian grew even more at these words.

Rian gasped when he saw me and he sprinted the last few steps to throw his arms around me. I wrapped my free arm around him. Alex tried to let go of my hand, but I wasn't letting him. "Are you seriously here right now?" Rian inquired as if he couldn't believe his eyes. He held me away at an arm's length so he could be positive he was right.

I nodded, "As long as you guys want me. This seemed like the best place to spend Christmas this year."

"Of course!" he replied, answering the question I was probably going to poise to all of them until I felt comfortable with just showing up. "You have bags, right?" He shook his head at that, realizing it was pointless. "Give me your keys. I'll go get them," he insisted.

Alex showed me around while Rian got my things. The house was large, but I found it suited the two of them perfectly. And if I remembered correctly, it wasn't even close to the size of Alex's parent's.

I settled into the guest bedroom, only opening my bags and staring at the contents. I contemplated on calling Hadley, but I couldn't even get over the reality that I was here myself. The chance wasn't really given to me anyway. I had just barely begun unpacking when Alex ran in and told me that they were going to throw a party for my homecoming. A protest could have been risen about how I wasn't actually home, but I didn't dare spoil the fun.

The unfamiliar house filled with people I didn't know, spotted with the ones I did. Jack was surprised to see me, and I was glad neither Rian nor Alex had told him I was here. The tight hug I got because of his pleasant shock was a great greeting. It made me feel all the better that I had decided to come. Sleep didn't come until morning for any of us. It felt wonderful to be able to do this again.

A few days later, I found myself alone in the house. It was the first day that Alex didn't wake me up by jumping on the bed with the dogs. I was suspicious for all of two seconds until I found the note pinned to Peyton's collar, who was sleeping next to me on the bed while Sebastian lay across my legs. It explained that both Rian and Alex were at Matt's, discussing loose plans for their next tour.

I spent a while in bed with the dogs, watching the snow fall outside. When I finally got up to get dressed, I realized the snow was already lying in a few thick layers. Worry filled me slightly that the boys wouldn't be able to get home. I decided that I shouldn't worry though, and I walked out of the room to find something suitable for breakfast.

I sat on the counter next to the sink, nibbling absently on a granola bar and running water to do the dishes. I hadn't sat around idly the entire time I'd been here. I was trying to help out as much as I could while I was here.

Bazz and Peyton shifted their positions as I slid down, their hopes still high that I'd give them food. With a small smirk on my lips at them, I slowly began the task at hand. The hot water felt nice, warming my hands that had surely been cold for days. I was still distracted by the frozen precipitation falling outside that was creating the white blanket that covered the patio. My mind was elsewhere when it should have been focusing on the things in front of me.

"Fuck!" I screamed, wrenching my hand away from whatever was in my hands. I hadn't meant to shout. It was a knee-jerk reaction. Then I saw the cause for it and declared it was perfectly acceptable. I don't know when the cup had broken, but it didn't really matter to me since it had created the seemingly horrible gash on my hand just seconds ago. I knew it wasn't as bad as it appeared in the moment.

I ripped a paper towel from the roll on the counter and wrapped it tightly around my hand. A few more profanities rolled off my tongue before I looked down. The two dogs were staring up at me, making it look like I might be the most interesting thing to their canine minds. "Well, don't just sit there. Go find me a band-aid or something," I told them. It was no use though.

"They don't even get the concept of fetch yet," Alex said, making me jump.

I spun around and looked up, seeing him throw his keys on the kitchen table and his jacket on a chair. "Don't do that!" I yelled, letting calm flood through me. I pressed down on my wound a little harder, feeling it throb with my quickening pulse.

He began to chuckle, but he saw I was cradling my hand and cut himself off. He made his way to me quickly. "Clarke, what did you do?" he questioned frantically. I couldn't help but giggle at his reaction as he grabbed my hand gingerly. "Come here," he demanded lightly, and began dragging me to his room.

I explained what had happened as he pulled me along. "I wasn't paying attention. Whoever put the damn thing in there didn't mean to," I was ranting by the time he sat me down on the bed.

Alex wasn't paying attention to my words. He removed the blood-stained paper towel, throwing it down on the floor. I flinched at the small sting the fresh air caused. "It's all right," he reassured, noticing my movement. "See, it's already stopped bleeding." He smiled at me, holding my hand up to let me see. I couldn't do anything but smile right back. "Hold on," he said before disappearing into the bathroom.

I watched him go, wishing he would just stay here. If the cut wasn't as bad as I had thought -which I had predicted- then nothing else needed to be done. I wanted him to sit here and talk with me to keep my mind off of the pain still radiating from the cut.

He came back out then, a wet washcloth folded in his hands. He asked for my own and I held out the wounded one when he sat on the bed next to me. He wiped the washcloth across the damaged flesh and the blood surrounding it. The rust-colored, nearly dry liquid disappeared with a few swipes, leaving the angry red line that damned cup had caused. He lifted it to his lips, kissing it with that smirk on his face.

"There, all better."

The heat that filled my cheeks was instantaneous. I couldn't hide my blush from him. But I was going to try my best at lying about it. "I dropped the glass in the empty side of the sink," I stated promptly, shooting up off the bed. "I should go clean it up so Rian doesn't get hurt, too. It probably shattered." I honestly couldn't remember hearing the cup even bounce into the sink, let alone if it broke further. But surely, if it was already broken...

Alex grabbed my good hand, the one closest to him. "Clarke, can't you just stay here for a minute?" He didn't wait for an answer, pulling me to sit down again.

"Sure," I said anyway. I couldn't say at all why I was suddenly nervous. I could tell something was going to happen. And good or bad, it wasn't helping the blood leave my cheeks.

We sat there for a few minutes in what I thought was an awkward silence. Like most times, I was the only one affected by it and Alex was perfectly at ease. He still had my hand, rubbing his thumb across the back of it. He was staring out the window at the snow. Once reminded of the beautiful sight, I couldn't keep my eyes off it.

"Clarke," Alex whispered. I wouldn't get used to him saying my name again.

I turned my head to him, surprised to find that he was staring at me now. It changed to delectation so fast I wasn't sure which had come first. Our lips were connected the moment we were face-to-face. My fingers worked their way into his hair, knotting it and pulling him closer. I shivered involuntarily as his went to either side of my face.

It was fantastic kissing him again. Kissing him like this. It was the exact thing I had wanted to do ever since that show. I had just wanted him closer without that guitar in the way. I was getting something even better. I was getting this after being with him for days. I was getting him wanting me just as close as I wanted him. I was getting this all while on his bed.

Time meant nothing anymore. I didn't know how much of it had passed since I'd gotten cut. I was so content with what was happening. We were lying down now, I realized, and his hands had moved to my hips. His fingers felt cool against my bare skin as they worked their way up my shirt. I was sure anything would be cold at this point. I made no protest when those fingers drew my shirt up over my head. I made no protests for a very long time.