Phrases Left On Paper

When I woke up, I thought it was morning again. It had only been about noon when I had gotten up the first time, wasting time by lying in bed and puttering around in the kitchen. I was completely oblivious to how long I had been occupied when Alex came home though, or how long I had slept. I didn't think it could have been long enough to go through an entire night. It was just so bright. I could see everything in the room, every detail and object, due to the grey light coming in through the windows.

I forgot about trying to figure out the time for a moment. I rolled onto my side to look at Alex, still sleeping without hinderance from me. I admired his usual slumber habits while I thought about what I'd just done. What we'd just done. I couldn't hate it. I hadn't been the one to initiate it. He had kissed me first. And in that, I couldn't be shameful and refused to search for any reason to not be happy right now. I took a deep breath, determined to keep this feeling and prepared to snuggle in closer to him so I could fall back asleep.

I glanced at the window again, and finally realized why light was filling the room. I shuffled out of the bed, making sure not to jostle Alex. There had to be a small hunt for my bra and underwear. After that, I put on the shorts I had been wearing and the shirt Alex had had on -mine had mysteriously disappeared. Once I was completely dressed, I pulled the sheet off the bed and wrapped it around myself to keep warm before walking over to the window. I stood close to it, marveling once again at the bright sky the snowstorm was causing. The snow was beyond gorgeous, turning everything into the cliched wonderland that I had loved before I moved. The night was quiet because of it. The few cars that passed were going slow enough that they hardly produced a sound.

I was so focused on what was in front of me that I didn't hear the shifting behind me. Alex knocked into the nightstand and cursed at it though, alerting me to his conscious presence. I didn't move, just listened to him put his clothes on. He seemed to give up on finding all of them after a few minutes. He came over to me instead, wrapping his arms around me from behind and resting his chin on my shoulder.

"How long have you been staring at the storm?" he questioned after a while. He sounded like he was still tired, like he wanted me to come back to bed with him.

"A few minutes," I replied, leaning back against him. "I've lived in the city for so long, I forgot how beautiful it was when it gets to lay in layers." As much as I would have liked to lie back down with him, I simply couldn't stop enjoying the quiet the snow provided. Everything seemed close to perfect in this moment.

"I can think of something a lot more beautiful," he murmured and kissed my neck. I was glad he couldn't see the blood rushing up to my cheeks. What a line. "How's your hand?" he inquired once he had returned to his original position. His own hand moved from my waist and slipped into the folds of the sheet to take mine. He pulled it out, examining it over my shoulder.

I looked with him. "Honestly, I completely forgot about the whole thing." He had done a good job of making that happen. The cut didn't look as angry now, only half the color it had been. "It looks a lot better. Thanks for cleaning it," I said. I was blushing again.

Alex didn't say anything. Instead, he kept hold of my hand to ease me around so that our chests were touching. I tried to stare only at his face. I was wearing his shirt, so obviously he didn't have that on. And apparently, it was just too much of a task to put his jeans on or look for a pair of basketball shorts. He stood before me in his boxer-briefs only. Those hips had always been a weak point for me, whether he were naked or not. So I had to try hard not to look down and to prevent him from being naked again.

He pushed his lips to mine while I was thinking, but I wasn't slow on responding. He let his hands do what they wanted. The sheet was gone in seconds because of this and then they were at the back of my neck. I was kissing back, but I wasn't participating in any other way. My hands moved down to my sides when they no longer had to hold onto my source of warmth. I was glad they weren't wrapping around him, forcing him to me with everything I could conjure. Did I really want to do this again?

Well, of course I did. Most of my molecules were telling me that. But I couldn't even say what the first time meant, now that I was giving some real thought to it. We both had feelings for each other right now, obviously. The sex wouldn't have been so great if we didn't. Were they just meaningless feelings though? I couldn't even speak for myself right now, let alone what was running through his mind other than the kissing.

I pulled back abruptly, placing my hands between us and resting them on his bare chest. I contained the shudder that was sure to run through me at this touch. "I have to go," I stammered. I didn't want to leave him with just that. But what else was there to say when you were scared of whatever was happening? "I have to run an errand... before it gets too late." What time was it, anyway? Was there even a store open that I could run to, especially in this weather? I made my way to the door slowly, backing up with slight reluctance. I just didn't want to do this to him. "I'm sorry," I mumbled before throwing the door open. I ran away from him and all the questions that were presenting themselves in my head.

I hurried to my room, hoping my car key was an easy find. Once I had it clenched in my hand, straining against the cut, I practically ran to the front door. I slipped my shoes on, not even troubling to stop to pull the backs up so I wasn't stepping on them. I would gladly take the snow seeping in to freeze my feet. I had the door open before I even had my coat on. I pulled it on after the door slammed shut and made my way to the rental car that I hadn't driven since the first day here.

The snow was thick on both windshields. I just pushed it off with my arm, not bothering to properly clear it off. That would have taken too long. I shoved the key in the ignition and turned it as I shut the door. It was tough maneuvering over the piled up snow in the driveway, but Alex's car had left tracks when he'd come home and I managed just fine. That was all the further ahead my mind had thought. I still had no idea where I was going to go in pajama shorts and a men's v-neck during a snowstorm. I spent a good while peering through the windshield wipers at the street beyond the car's bumper.

Somehow, my subconscious had reminded me to grab my phone along with the keys. It was in my coat pocket now, ringing relentlessly. I reached in to pull it out, praying it wasn't Alex. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw it was the perfect person to speak to. "I'm in Maryland," I stated to Hadley when the phone was pressed to my ear. It had been too long since I'd talked to my best friend.

"What?" she squeaked, instantly excited and not even caught off guard by my non-greeting. There was a lot of talking going on in the background, and I knew that she must be busy. I didn't want to trouble her, but she had called me. I was going to take -almost- full advantage of this.

I explained to her what I had been planning for a month, where I was staying, who I was staying with. I left out this entire day. It was still too fresh to be discussed. I was currently running from it. If I didn't figure things out for myself, who knew if I was even going to tell anyone about it ever.

"Well, I'm in Maryland, too," she replied happily. Nothing fazed her. I considered telling her I knew already. She had laid out everything her and Marshall would be doing over break. I kept my mouth shut though. "They're doing this winter carnival thing on Tuesday, rides and all that. It was always fun in high school. You guys should come. Daniel misses you like crazy," she made sure to add.

I couldn't resist that little boy, especially if he was waiting to see me. "Sure, I'll ask the guys when I get home. I'm driving around right now," I told her lamely. My current chosen activity might not be exciting, but I had a revelation of where I could go to sit out my fears and the storm.

"In this weather?" she asked disbelievingly.

I shrugged, knowing she couldn't see it. "We'll talk about it Tuesday," I promised. "Miss you, babe. See you soon." Her departing words were much the same. I smiled as I put the phone back in my pocket, pulling into a parking spot at my newly picked destination. I then remembered why I was here instead of Alex and Rian's house, and the grin fell quickly.

The apartment was still mostly unfamiliar to me. I had only been here with Alex briefly to pick up Jack, and no one had bothered with a grand tour. That was all right with me. At least I knew where it was and was comfortable to come here in my crisis. I knocked on the door, hoping that someone was there. It took a few minutes, me bouncing on the balls of my feet there in the hallway. But it finally opened and I beamed.

"Hey, Dorl. Nice to see you again," I greeted him, thundering through the words. He moved out of the way, which was smart of him since I had planned on coming in whether he invited me or not. "Is Jack here?" I asked once he shut the door when I'd made my way through. I certainly wanted him to be, in fear I had just burst in here for nothing. It would also be foolish for any of my friends to be out in the snow like me.

Dorl nodded, seeming to find it best not to use words while I was in whatever state I was in. He didn't wait long before he walked off, down the hall, and knocked on the door halfway down. Once he'd done this, he looked at me for a brief second, analyzing if he was really scared of me, and continued down the hall to his own room. I laughed at his reaction to how I was acting.

Jack came out of the door Dorl had knocked on. It was easy to tell he hadn't been out of his room much today. He was rarely clean shaven anymore, and today the stubble was a little thicker. The shirt and flannel pants he was wearing were wrinkled like they'd been worn while lying in bed all day. He hadn't even bothered to put his contacts in, opting for his glasses instead, probably making it easier to stare at his computer or TV screen.

He smiled at me when he saw me standing by the front door. "Hey, Clarke. Decided to brave the weather just to come see me?" he questioned jokingly.

"I slept with Alex," I blurted, no longer able to contain it. Maybe it would have been smarter to let this out to my best friend. But I remembered a time when Jack had been my best friend. It was possible that he could help me now like he used to then.

Jack stopped in his tracks for all of thirty seconds. Once he'd regained his composure, he continued over to me and grabbed my arm. "Come here," he demanded, pulling me toward the couch. I didn't resist and I collapsed down onto it. He did the same next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. "When did this happen?" he inquired.

I shrugged, as if I didn't know. It was all too vivid in my mind though. After a long sigh, I began with the cut on my hand, running the fingers of the other hand across it. I told him about Alex coming home and making sure an immediate death wasn't possible for me. About how one thing had led to another. Don't they always?

I said as much to Jack, and he chuckled.

"Maybe in movies, they do," he replied. He squeezed me to into his side a little more with a sigh. I didn't protest. It had always felt nice to be close to Jack. "So," he began, pushing his glasses up on his nose, "have you come full circle then?"

I thought about that. I had once told myself that there had never been a circle to be completed. I wasn't so sure now. I had lived more now and had slept with the same boy I had started with. Was he right? "I don't know," I answered truthfully. "I don't know why I did it, Jack. I can't say what's fueling any of this." I waved my hands in the air, trying to indicate why the hell I was in Maryland in the first place. I suppressed the frustrated noise I always made when in a tough situation. It always just confused everyone. I lay my head on Jack's chest, deciding I'd much rather rest and forget about it right now.

Jack rubbed his hand up and down my arm and I could feel him shaking his head every once in a while. Part of me wanted to get up to watch the snow again, in different company so I wouldn't remember the last. I couldn't find it in me though and figured I had simply had enough of it today.

"Wanna watch Home Alone?" he asked after a few minutes of total silence.

I laughed, never removing my head from his chest. I enjoyed the rumble that ran through it when he began his own laughing.

"Sure," I said, only giggling now. I sat back so he could get up. I watched him run to his room to find the movie before settling myself into the couch.

Jack was back in seconds, DVD in hand. He grinned at me as he got everything set up, returning to sit beside me with the remote in his hand and pointed at the television. He wrapped his arm around me again, getting comfortable to watch his favorite movie.

I leaned up briefly to place a quick kiss on his check as thanks. This night would be a lot different right now if it hadn't been for him. At the last second though, he turned his head, probably to ask some question or another about Kevin McCallister. Our lips connected, but neither of us made an action to pull apart. I knew that after today, I shouldn't be kissing anyone else -or even the first person ever again. What could it hurt though, I asked myself. I was already beyond flustered. Why not make it worse?

Only a few seconds passed when we made to break from each other. We stared at each other, trying to sum up our feelings. We both began laughing again.

"Thank God I'm not the only one that didn't feel anything with that," I stated, placing my hand over my heart. It didn't do a thing to stop my guffaws, but it helped with the moment.

"It was like kissing my sister," he admitted. "BFFs fo' life!" he exclaimed proudly and clapped his hands together once.

"Agreed!" I announced.

Dorl was surely wondering what was going on out here. But he kept to himself in his room, more than likely still scared of me for the night.

Once we were calmed down, Jack finally pressed play. We both sat back from the positions we'd assumed for our outbursts. He didn't wait for long to let his head fall on my shoulder to watch. My own head was settled softly against his coffee brown hair just seconds later.

"Love you, Clarke," he said just as the movie started.

"Love you, too, Jack."

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Though staying at Jack's would have been an ideal -and gutless- prospect, I decided to drive back after the movie. The snow had stopped falling and all that was left were the bad roads. Rian's car was still gone when I pulled into the driveway, making my stomach clench. I had at least hoped for his presence so the air wouldn't be so awkward when I stepped through the threshold. I was a big girl though, and I practically charged in the front door, running away from the cold caressing my bare legs. I took my phone from my pocket before taking my coat off at the same time as taking my shoes off by stepping on the back of each.

The light in the living room was the only one on. I could hear the television slightly, too low to distinguish what may be on. I began walking slowly toward the sound, still too scared to face Alex after running out on him. I had expected the dogs to come running out to see who was here, but as I turned the corner I saw why they didn't. Alex was asleep on the couch with Bazz curled up on his stomach and Peyton on the floor beside them. I smiled at the sight, padding silently over to them. I pulled the blanket at Alex's feet up over him, tucking it under the dog. I pet both dogs on the head before kissing Alex's forehead, deciding our talk could wait until morning.