Phrases Left On Paper

We didn't talk about it. I had planned to discuss what had happened with him the moment we were both awake. He had distracted me though with whatever video game he was playing when I knocked on his door. I was just as immersed in watching it as he was playing it. And it seemed as if in that, we simply forgot about ever needing to talk about things. We didn't avoid each other and we didn't avoid conversation. Nothing was awkward. Things were just as smooth and natural as they had always been between the two of us. Even I, who was notorious in my own mind for jumping the gun and thinking everything was wrong when it wasn't, was perfectly fine around him.

We were all going to Hadley's for the carnival she had mentioned. Even Zack, who was home for the holidays just like I was. An early morning, two cars, and a three hour drive. I wasn't sure if I was looking forward to it -getting to see my best friend, getting to ride some rides and eat some funnel cake, and a car ride alone with Alex- or if I was dreading it all because of the car ride alone with Alex. There couldn't possibly be a full win or lose outcome to this day.

I stood waiting outside of Alex's car, leaning against the locked door and watching the others in Rian's car. Whatever they were doing was keeping me entertained enough while Alex took his sweet time in the house, leaving me in the cold. Jack lifted his shirt as I thought about this, pressing his chest up to the window. The glass around him began to fog automatically due to the temperature change. I glared at him as he pulled away, visibly complaining about how cold it was. He rolled down the window when he noticed my distaste, my arms crossed over my chest even more tightly when I remembered just how cold it was out.

"Just get it the car, Clarke," he demanded. He opened the door for me, still contemplating on whether to step out and let me in the middle or to move over himself. As he placed one foot on the now clear blacktop of the driveway, the front door finally opened.

"Told you he was coming," I stated, and turned away from him to only hear him mumble something about ten minutes ago. Alex locked the front door before walking slowly toward the car. "It's freezing," I reminded him while he came nearer, and he finally pressed the button to unlock the car doors. I slipped onto the familiar leather seat, begging him silently to hurry up so I could turn the heat on. He got in without looking at me or saying a word as he finally started up the car.

Neither of us talked the first fifteen minutes of the ride. Everything had been nice and comfortable for days, and now I couldn't say what was going on. I had been normal. No assumptions, no depression. But here I was, thinking that he was angry with me, that something had happened overnight and I was the plague to him. The small, logical part of my brain was trying to tell me that maybe he was just tired since it was earlier than I'd seen him up the entire time I'd been staying with him and Rian. The larger part of my brain told it to shut the hell up.

"Alex," I breathed, unintentionally saying it lower than I wanted to. My fears had taken over. "Will you please talk to me?" I questioned, finally looking over at him. I squeezed the strap of my bag in both hands, wishing desperately that it would be enough to keep me from breaking down.

He turned his head toward me. I should have cared that he wasn't looking at the road, but I just couldn't. "What do you want me to say?" he asked back. He didn't sound angry. It wasn't the acidic tone I had always come to expect with those words.

I couldn't breathe my sigh of relief just yet. "I think it's time to talk about what happened," I suggested, trying to sound firm about it. It was safe to say that I failed.

"I don't think there's anything to talk about," he countered.

My face fell and my ears buzzed. Tears filled my eyes before I could control them and hold them back. I was composed enough to keep them from breaking through the dam of my eyelids though. I kept my eyes wide and cleared my throat. I shouldn't have had all these reactions in the first place.

"No, Clarke!" Alex exclaimed, stopping me just as I opened my mouth to use words I couldn't find. I jumped, surprised by this outburst. I should have left my eyes on him instead of worrying about not crying. "I don't mean I want to pretend like it never happened," he reassured me. He grabbed my hand still gripping the purse in my lap and twined our fingers after prying it off. "Later, if you want to explain what exactly was going through your head afterwards, I'll listen without judgement or interruptions. But you have my word that I do not want to forget what we did."

He glanced at me, a smirk on his lips. Staring down at our hands, I smiled, too.

Once again, I couldn't say what I was feeling. I didn't know why I was so happy about his declaration, or why the sight of our interlocked fingers made my stomach twist in the best way possible. But I liked it and, for now, I wouldn't question it.

The rest of the ride was completely different. I had nothing to worry about now and I was beyond delighted to see my best friend and her son. Now that the pseudo talk was over with, nothing could ruin this day.

The moment I stepped from the car, I was greeted by a collision and a hug around my knees and a similar one with my torso by both Daniel and Hadley. I wrapped an arm around each of them, bending down to pick up the little boy. Greetings and introductions for everyone else were given the moment Rian pulled in and everyone was out of the car and Marshall came out of the house. Alex stuck close to me, even taking my hand when he was done hugging Hadley and saying hello to Daniel. My best friend eyed us with a questioning look, but I just smiled at her, shaking my head.

We all shuffled into the house to eat a feast of a breakfast that Hadley had insisted on making. The rest of the morning was spent hanging out like we used to. Daniel ran in every once in a while to bring me back to the present and remind me that things were much different than they were then.

I was happy when the afternoon finally got late enough that we could do what we'd come to. The guys automatically went off to find some form of alcohol and to take over the ferris wheel. Marshall took Daniel to the tilt-a-whirl, explaining how exciting it was. Hadley and I stayed together, searching for the first booth selling both candied apples and funnel cake.

"He seems to be really good with him," I pointed out to my best friend as we watched them run off.

She stopped in a short line, staring down at her shoes kicking around leftover snow. When she looked up at me again, her smile couldn't be matched. "Yeah, he's fantastic. I don't think anyone could have adjusted to being a dad as quickly as he has. And he loves Daniel so much already," she sighed happily. She stepped up to the window, ordering both of our favorite carnival related foods. Once we had them, she led us over to a bench so we could sit and watch all the people around us.

I really didn't have any words as a response to her. This outcome had always been the one I wanted for her. Now that she had it, I was just as happy for her as she was. "So, any plans for the future?" I asked with a wink, wiping powdered sugar from my jeans.

Hadley laughed, shoving me to the side. "We're both still in college," she insisted, as if I hadn't used that same argument weeks ago. "I don't know, though. Maybe we will get married some day. But we'll just have to see how everything plays out after this year is over." She trailed off, her eyes glazed over while thoughts of white dresses and long aisles swam passed them. After a minute or so, she came to, turning to me. "What about you?" she inquired suggestively. "You've been nothing but smiles today."

I hadn't even realized that I had been smiling the entire time we were sitting there until it grew at the mention of it. It was impossible to rid of it to contradict her. "Things have been good lately," I admitted. "I've been in a good mood." She raised her eyebrows when I didn't elaborate. I still wasn't sure if I should tell her what had been on my mind for days. There was just no way around it. My lips were no longer curved upward so I didn't look too thrilled. "Alex and I slept together on Saturday," I told her lowly. I didn't see her reaction, but I was sure everyone could hear her gasp.

"You're joking!" she practically screamed. I shook my head. "Clarke! This is crazy!" I laughed and gestured to her to keep it down before she said something everyone around didn't approve of. "I can't even believe you and Alex had sex," she said lower, disbelievingly.

I nodded again, completely agreeing. "It is, indeed, crazy. Ridiculous, really."

Hadley leaned back against the bench, her mouth open in shock. "So what's going on with the two of you now?" she asked after a few minutes. I assumed she had to take all that time to get over the surprise. I was still having trouble.

I shrugged in answer to her question. I would have given a verbal explanation of what I couldn't explain, but the boy we were talking about was coming toward us. I said something about speaking of the Devil before he made it to us.

Alex smiled at the two of us. "Mind if I take her for a while, Hadley?" he asked my best friend. She beamed at him, shaking her head. He held his hand out to me then, pulling me up when my own was placed in it. "I think it's our turn to take the tilt-a-whirl by storm," he declared, and led us away.

I smiled back at Hadley one last time, my hand warm in Alex's.

Later, I could tell her of the story about the kiss I got while spinning round and round.

The rest of the night went by quickly, filled with lights and noises and rides. The trip home was Alex and I alone again. This time though, I fell asleep in the back, listening to Alex sing along to every song on the CD he had put in.

The days leading up to Christmas were even more comfortable than they had been. We were all together all the time, and seemed to want to stay that way until we had to split up to spend time with our families. I was happy that I didn't have anywhere to go, that I got to stay in the house with Alex and Rian.

I woke up early Christmas morning. The sky was grey and spitting ice but it wasn't ruining my mood. I pulled a hoodie over my head as I walked into the hall and headed toward the kitchen. Rian was already sitting at the table, a bowl of oatmeal and his laptop in front of him. The two of us greeted each other as I got myself some cereal, and I headed into the living room where Alex lay on the couch. The TV was playing some old cartoon, something I had seen my dad watch a thousand times but had never even learned the name of. I sat on the end of the couch when Alex moved his feet and didn't even budge when he let them fall back in my lap.

"Merry Christmas," I said around the Lucky Charms and milk in my mouth. I giggled as milk dripped off my lip.

Alex sat up, a smile on his own lips. He lifted his hand and wiped the milk away with his thumb, leaving his hand to rest on my cheek. "And a merry Christmas to you," he replied. I leaned into his hand as he kissed me, already used to this common occurrence.

"All right!" Rian called to announce his entrance into the room. Alex pulled away from me, leaning back against the couch and placing his feet on the floor. "Can we open the booze now and pretend like it's Legos?" his best friend questioned as he sat himself down on the floor. He grabbed a package from under the tree and slid it over to Alex.

We went through all the gifts that had accumulated in the past few days. Rian had been right, and the majority of it had been booze. I got big hugs for the giant bottles of vodka. More squeezing and thanks for the future drunkenness than anything else. I laughed and made excuses that I knew them well when really it was all I could afford.

I pulled my legs up to my chest to watch them line the bottles up. Sebastian nudged my hand with his nose and I scratched his ears absentmindedly.

"Why don't you give Clarke her present?" Rian asked Alex, looking briefly over his shoulder before going back to reading some manual. He was so nonchalant about it, acting as if this wasn't a big deal at all.

My jaw dropped and I shook my head. "No. I told you guys not to get me anything," I argued. I didn't like presents. My birthday seemed to always be horrid and it was one day that I associated gifts with. I had demanded that none of the boys get me anything for this holiday, because what had I given them besides alcohol and shoving myself on them as a guest?

Alex took the hand I held up in defense and pulled me from the couch. "Didn't spend a dime, I promise," he told me as he dragged me along. Rian said nothing else but I saw the smirk on his face.

We stopped under the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen. This wasn't necessarily a bad doorway, but most of us had tried to avoid it at all costs since the decorations had been put up. It was where the mistletoe hung, and the mistletoe rule was enforced in this house. I had only been caught under it once, with Zack. He had made a big show of dipping me back and pretending to kiss me. I didn't know what I was doing here now.

"I am very happy if my Christmas present is a kiss," I said a bit unsurely. Regardless, I reached up, my arms going around his neck.

Alex pushed me gently so that I was no longer on the tips of my toes. The smile on his face let me know that nothing was wrong and he wasn't rejecting me. He leaned down, putting his lips close to my ear. They brushed it as he spoke. "I love you, Clarke Holliday," he whispered.

I gasped -there was really no other word for it- but it got choked off as my breath caught in my throat. I pushed myself away from him to lean against the wood of the doorway. He didn't leave, just stood there watching my reaction. I wished he would walk away, let me think. Those five words had been a huge impact and they weren't failing to drive a crater into my brain.

He loved me? I hadn't even heard those words from anyone but Hadley in nearly four years. It basically had been fours years since I'd heard them from this boy. Why was this coming as such a shock to me? Of course he loved me. That's why we slept together, why he didn't want to forget that we had. This was why I had been so eager to get me not to hate them anymore. And now he stood, waiting for my reply. To know whether I loved him or not.

This had been on my mind for months. Since the moment he walked through that bar door for a night that I hadn't wanted to spend with them. It had been able to fester in my mind and sprout every idea it wanted. Now those ideas were bursting from that crater his words had caused.

"Come on, Clarke," Alex said after what had probably been too long. "You can't tell me that you don't still love me. That even though you left me for Jack that there wasn't still something between us, however how hidden and unrecognized. That even though it wasn't a mistake to leave me then, it doesn't mean you don't love me now." He was pleading with me to understand.

And he was right. I loved him then and I most certainly loved him now. "Alexander William Gaskarth," I murmured, stepping toward him. I reached up again, locking the fingers of both of my hands behind his neck and looking him in the eye. "I. Love. You," I whispered against his lips before pressing my own to his full force. I held him there, completely controlling if he could get away or not. Considering his fingers tangled tightly in the roots of my hair at the back of my head, I don't think he wanted to get away.

Finally, I pulled away only to lean my forehead against his. Our breathing matched, heavy and in sync. I hadn't felt like this since the snowstorm, and the feeling had absolutely nothing to do with precipitation. I loved Alex again, and I was finally able to admit it to myself.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" he asked after a while, once our breathing was back to normal. His tone wasn't suggestive like someone may have expected with this situation. It was caring, loving. I wouldn't get over being loved by this boy once again.

I considered his question, thinking about places we could go. After only thirty seconds, the perfect place came to mind. Because of the holiday, it was bound to happen anyway. "I want to go see Isobel," I declared, pulling my head from his but taking his hands in mine.

Alex laughed, shaking his head. "I'm a little scared of how friendly you and my mom are," he told me as he led us to our rooms to get dressed.

"What can I say? She loves me," I insisted.

"I love you."

"We've already determined that."

He stopped me from going any further, spinning me around to face him. He held my face gingerly between his hands, inching closer. "Don't ever forget that," he said lowly before kissing me once more.