Phrases Left On Paper

Like most days and most people, I did not want to get out of bed. I wasn't exactly tired, though I hadn't been allowed to get much sleep. I was just comfortable and happy with the person I was lying next to, happy that I was even lying next to someone. The day was calling for me to get up and live life, but I ignored it and rolled over. Alex may have been awake but his eyes were closed, rendering me unable to tell. I let my arm fall across his chest and leaned on my other elbow so I could hover over him and press my lips to his. He let me know he was awake when his arms snaked around my waist and he kissed back.

"I love this," he said when I lay back down, using his arm as a pillow. "I love waking up next to you again. Being able to hold you and you not hating me." He kissed my forehead, letting me snuggle impossibly closer.

"I haven't hated you in months," I reminded him. He just shrugged, playing with my fingers resting on his chest. This fact clearly was not important to him, and was just something of the past. The fact that we were together was clearly what he wanted to accentuate.

"You know," I said after a quiet moment," I'm really glad you grew chest hair."

He laughed, pulling me against his side tighter and turning his head so he could kiss me properly.

We stayed in bed a while longer, kissing and talking. The conversation turned somber though when I remembered I was leaving the next day. The days had gone by entirely too fast. Everyone had been around to party and be together before I left, stretching a departure party into a few long days. Because of the constant crowd in the house and the banter from wall to wall, I felt like I hadn't gotten any alone time with Alex. So I was certainly all for the time spent in bed. But I just couldn't stand it anymore when we talked of having to be apart because of the paths we had chosen.

He watched me get up and pull my clothes on. I had taken to wearing his shirts in the passed few days, and this one wasn't any different. As long as he didn't catch on that I was hoarding them to take back to New York with me, then I was going to continue. He pulled me to sit back down on the edge of the bed and he locked his arms around me. He mumbled a few things about persuading me back beneath the sheets before I actually lay back down.

"Don't go," Alex demanded lightly, nuzzling his nose in my hair. He didn't specify if he meant in this moment or when it was time to leave this house, this state to get back to the life I'd assumed without him.

I just picked the latter and went with it. "I have to." It was foolish saying it. We both knew I couldn't just give up on my last semester, stay here forever in this bed with him. The possibility didn't even exist for either of us. I rubbed my nose along his jawline, ignoring the scratch of stubble as I did so. "This isn't a forever thing," I reassured him in a whisper. "I'm going to graduate and find a job down here so I can spend all your off time with you. In this bed." A perfect plan for now. I hoped that I was able to get a job offer here in Maryland so it could work out in a variation of that way. I knew that it may just be a fairytale for some time though.

He seemed to like the sound of it because he grabbed my chin, forcing me to stop my moving head. His lips connected with mine in a gentle kiss, almost hesitant. We were way passed having to wonder if the other wanted the same things by now. But I didn't protest. This was perfect for me, right here, right now.

He held me there for a while, never going passed a few innocent kisses. Eventually, I remembered that I had been in the process of getting up to start the day. I convinced him to do the same so the others didn't come storming in to make sure we weren't dead. He only agreed because he knew I wouldn't want to spend my remaining hours cooped up in his room, no matter what we were doing. He got dressed and took my hand once we were out the door.

We found Rian in his usual morning spot, the newspaper held in his hands. I could see Jack in the living room, watching TV and lounging on the couch like he owned the place. He smiled and waved at me while I threw some bread in the toaster.

I was going to miss these mornings. Waking up both to and with Alex. The dogs crowding around as I got breakfast. Rian being Rian, eating his own breakfast and occupying himself with whatever suited him. Jack being here without my even knowing it until I was actually out of whatever room I had slept in. All that was missing this morning was a shirtless Zack sitting opposite Rian and devouring scrambled eggs smothered in ketchup.

"What's on the agenda for today?" Rian asked, putting the paper down. Jack stood and approached the rest of us at these words.

Alex opened his mouth. I quickly interjected. "No more parties, please," I pleaded, pulling the peanut butter from the cupboard. "I just want it to be the four of us, Zack, Matt, and Dorl if he's up for it. I want a few movies and a hell of a lot of popcorn." I thought that sounded pretty good. All of my close friends crowded in the living room to watch some good and bad movies. Better than getting drunk and hanging around a ton of people I didn't know. Well, I couldn't leave out the alcohol...

None of them made any protest, just nodded their heads in agreement.

Alex took my hand as he stood behind me, whispering in my ear, "That's perfect."

I was hoping the day leading up to our small plans would be slow. I wanted to draw out my time here as much as possible. That wasn't how it turned out though, as the rule to ruin my life went.

Alex and I went shopping, picking up a feast of junk food and popcorn. Though we had the alcohol covered according to me, according to him -plus a demanding text from Rian- we were nowhere close. The two of us were out all day to search and shop, keeping me away from the other boys that I knew were already gathered at the house. I wasn't going to complain. Getting to spend time with Alex -out in public, holding his hand, kissing him when I pleased- was exactly what I had wanted.

When we got back, both of our hands filled with bags, the sun had already been set for nearly an hour. Jack stole the bags full of candy and chips from me, already eating the contents as he dumped it all onto the coffee table. Zack had brought the movies, separating them into what we'd thoroughly enjoy and what was laughably bad.

The entire night was spent on the couch, exactly as I had envisioned a nice night in with my friends. I sat in between Alex and Matt with Jack leaning against my knees when my feet were actually on the floor. I rested against Alex while we watched the first movie and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders to keep me there. Though the rest of them were up late, this is how I fell asleep before we even reached the ridiculously bad horror movies. I could hear them laugh and feel Alex shake with his laughter, but it didn't bother me or jar me from my slumber. It was my own personal lullaby.

I woke up in the same place I had woken for the passed week and a half -buried deep in the blankets of Alex's bed, my head pillowed on his chest. The morning felt a lot like the previous. I was faced with the task of getting out of bed, and I didn't want to more than I hadn't yesterday. Though I wasn't sure of the time, I knew that it didn't really matter. All that did was that I had to leave today, making this a very depressing day. I hadn't been sure in the beginning if coming here, to my home, was a good idea and it plagued me for weeks. And now I was sure it had been a fantastic decision and I was dreading my departure.

I squeezed my eyes shut, sending useless prayers that maybe I could turn back time so I could relive the past weeks. High school was the last time I had been this happy, and even this exceeded anything experienced back then. Who really could have predicted the events that had made it this way? I loved them all and I needed them over and over. I needed to hear Alex tell me he loved me for the first time in too close to four years one time after the other. I wanted to wake up next to him like this every morning without the worry of having to get back to school.

Alex squirmed under me, trying to get back to sleep. I hadn't realized he'd woken, he had been so still. But I wanted him to be able to fall asleep again so that I could do the same and maybe forget all about leaving. His arms went around me, constraining when I slid closer to him. It was clear that this day had to be started. "Go back to sleep," he mumbled almost inaudibly and kissed my hair.

I snorted lightly, getting comfortable in the circle of his arms. "I can't now that I remember I'm with you," I told him. A tiny lie since I couldn't forget that I was with him. I simply couldn't sleep because I knew I'd have to be without him too soon.

He shook his head with a smile on his lips, tangling his hair even more against the pillow. His eyes still weren't opening. "I don't want to go back to sleep," he corrected, emphasizing the words that had been so unclear the first time that I hadn't even heard them.

"Well then, let's get up," I suggested, and tried to push myself up only to have him tighten his grip further and force me to stay in place.

"I'm so hungover though," he argued. He slid himself down in the bed so that we were on the same level and I was no longer on his chest. He pressed his lips to mine, seeming to like kissing better than the conversation he had initiated.

"You're so fickle today, Gaskarth," I said between kisses.

He pulled away after a few minutes and let me rest my forehead against his. "I just want to be up so that I can spend your last few hours or minutes or however long with you," he stated. He ran his fingers through my hair, examining the light glinting off the color instead of looking me in the eye.

I wished those chocolate eyes would look at me. I needed to get my fill of them before I had to go months without them. I leaned my head down, kissing his bare shoulder. "I love you, Alex." A rush of excitement. I loved love and I loved being in love, especially with this boy.

"I love you!" he exclaimed and kissed me hard to make his point.

I laughed as we pulled away and I finally worked my torso from his grip to sit up. Though I didn't feel like getting up and knew he didn't either, I still managed to take his hand and pull him to a sitting position. His fingers traced my arms and made their way to the sides of my face. A few things were said about making out all day, forgetting about all important plans. He didn't get too far into defining the ditching of everything before our lips were pressed together. These moments were only going to make it harder to get on that train.

Our lips were still moving in sync as I crawled backwards, off the bed. Alex followed every step of the way to the bathroom.

"I have to get ready," I managed out as he pushed me against the counter. I was pinned there and wasn't really looking for a way to get out. Would it really be so bad to stay here for eternity. As long of an eternity as human life allowed? My lips were telling me that it would be a wonderful thing, but my brain was being responsible and telling me that it wasn't allowed.

"All your shit's packed," he reminded, leaning to kiss my neck. He knew every spot that would force me to forget about anything but him. "And you look fantastic the way you are," he breathed in my ear, only breaking from my skin for a brief second.

I shivered with the chills that ran up and down my spine. All I wanted to do was let him continue, go along with this until I found myself back in that bed. The outcome was impossible though, like I had been telling myself since the moment I had opened my eyes. We were delaying and doing it well, but it wasn't going to make a bit of difference. I worked my hands in between us, pushing lightly on his chest. The action reminded me too much of the day I'd cut my hand. But there was no confusion to fuel this rejection, if this could even really be called rejection. All that was left of that day was the scabbed line that would heal completely within days. Alex seemed to realize that there was no distaste because he took my hands and held them at our sides.

"I know," he claimed, kissing me one last time. "You have to go." He pulled away from me, inching backward toward the door. "Seriously, you don't need to do anything. I, on the other hand, should probably put some clothes on."

I blushed at his comment, not bothering to cover it since he was already in the bedroom again. After a few minutes, I followed him out. He had already pulled on jeans and a shirt, and was sliding his arms through a cardigan. "Why are you getting dressed?" I asked, confused. My brows were pulled together. I hadn't actually thought he had to get dressed for anything, and didn't think he would be going anywhere, missing my departure.

Alex took my hand, lacing our fingers. "I'm taking you to the train station," he stated with no quandary while he led me out into the hall.

My confused expression didn't even have to leave my face, because I was still plainly confused. I had had plans about this since I had gotten here, and they'd only changed to acquire a sadder goodbye since Alex and I had gotten back together. "I have to bring the rental car back," I said lowly, knowing that most of the others were still asleep in the living room. I was even more upset at knowing I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to them.

He stopped outside the guest bedroom where my bags still were, his hand on the knob. "I'll take it over later. Just -can I take you? I'm not ready to give you up just yet," he told me. He kissed the corner of my lips before entering the room, returning seconds later with my things.

Silently, we made our way out to his car. I ran my hand along the side as Alex went around to the trunk. I was glad he hadn't gotten a new car through the years. This one held every great memory of the two of us, not hesitating to make it all flood back. He took my hand once we had both slipped into our seats. Too soon, we were on our way for me to leave all of this.

I was early, so we spent a while on a bench. Alex played with my hair, keeping me pressed against his chest. My ear listened to his heart beat, my entire body becoming attuned to it. At least I could travel home with the sound of it reverberating in my ears. He kissed me when it was finally time to go, and we both had to struggle not to stay there. We got out one more I love you each before I was on the train, my throat thick with the tears I didn't want to shed.

The entire time to New York, it almost felt as if we were still together. Though I had the absence of his warm hand in mine or his lips keeping me busy, I still got to experience his humor and love as he texted me. If I couldn't have Maryland and everything that came along with it, at least I could have some form of my boyfriend on the way to what I had -now, unfortunately- called home for the past few years.

Boyfriend.

I couldn't even believe that I was able to say that word again and have actual meaning related to me along with it. And with the first boy I had called that, that I had fallen in love with. How he was able to claim my heart all over again kept my mind occupied the entire walk home. The snow had barely touched the city, it seemed, having already melted. I was missing the grey skies and white grounds I had stared at for weeks. This longing and observation was not enough to keep my brain from revolving around Alex.

Hadley opened the front door of the apartment before I was able to reach out to put my key in the lock. She threw her arms around me, pulling me into the living room. From the corner of my eye, I could see Daniel on the couch next to Marshall as they read a book together. My best friend was already talking my ear off, speaking too fast for me to understand what she was saying. I smiled and nodded, pleased to be home to see her, yet still wishing Alex and the guys were somewhere close. As it seemed, I was going to have to wait to tell Hadley of all the great things that had happened since we'd last seen each other. Yes, I was certainly home.