Phrases Left On Paper

I was lost. The woods were deep and I couldn't find my way out. I knew exactly who I wanted to find, but my legs were like dead weights. I dragged along, trying hard to pick my feet up more than a few centimeters. It wasn't working though. Soon, I was on my hands in the moss that carpeted the forest floor. Pulling myself this way wasn't any easier, and I had to lie there to settle my heart and rest my body. I rolled onto my back to stare at the trees above me, cringe at the darkness that enveloped the swaying branches and trembling leaves.

I attempted to figure out where I was, how I had gotten here in the first place. These unknowable facts only took up my mind for a few brief seconds. They weren't as important to me as what I was searching for. I just wanted to know where he was. I didn't know if he was supposed to be here, but I needed him. I knew that he could get me out, save me from the disability my legs were creating and these dark woods that had me trapped in their depths. He had already saved me from being alone twice in my life. He would be able to come along and do it again. I concentrated only on him, on the outcome of him appearing to pick me up and kiss me as he walked us into a starlit night.

As I filled my thoughts with him finding me, the talking began. Just a murmur at first, it caught my attention when it rose to normal speaking tones. I had already heard this conversation before, had been a part of it. I couldn't tell if it was a memory now, replaying in my head and seeming like it was out loud and echoing. I looked around though, realizing where I was, and knew this was a memory turned into a dream. I knew that I was dreaming, but I wasn't going to try to wake myself.

I hadn't been this far into the woods that night, so I didn't recognize what lay above me. But if I looked forward at what I had been heading toward, those trees were familiar to me. I had been going the right way to an exit the whole time. My legs still weren't functioning properly, so I lay there to listen to the words that had led up to the greatest moment of my teenage life. I had already missed Alex mocking me in the whispers, and I picked up now on my argument about why the others couldn't find us. I wished I could see the two of us standing there, only concealed because it was so dark. Watching that first kiss happen again may be just what I needed to get up and out of here.

The night was quiet too soon though. Rather, I couldn't hear my questioning or Alex's confession of why we were there. I could hear twigs snap and leaves rustle against the ground. Someone was coming this way, and that definitely had not happened that night. I listened to the shuffling, letting my eyes reel so I could find the source of the noise. I wasn't sure what to expect; a different me or a hideous monster straight from an 80s horror movie. Who knew. What I got was not anything I was thinking.

Alex stepped into view just feet from me. If I had predicted that he would be the one I would see here, it probably would have been the Alex from this memory. But the boy in front of me wasn't the teenager I fell in love with the first time. It was the man I loved now, had seen just last night through a computer screen. His dark eyes were locked on me lying there in the dirt and debris of the forest floor. With the burning of those eyes, I felt the paralyzing force that had taken over my lower half begin to creep its way up.

I still managed a smile at Alex. "Can you help me up?" I asked hopefully. I held my hand out for him to take, already jittery at the thought of his hand wrapping around mine, dream or not. He didn't take it, didn't even blink as he stood there. I pulled my numbing arm back to my side and had the sudden thought that I couldn't interact with him. Wasn't that how it always worked?

"No," he murmured as I thought.

My head snapped in his direction, but I instantly regretted it. I hadn't noticed before how his eyes had changed. Normally, they were warm, the dark, melted chocolate that held all the passion he had acquired over his twenty-two years. As he stared at me, they were hard, frozen into something I prayed I would never see in real life.

"I won't help you again, Clarke. I needed you the first time. The second time was just fate pretending to be inevitable. I can't always be there to save you. I won't come back just to keep you from falling." His tone was flat, never agreeing with or contradicting his speech. He kept his cold eyes on me, not blinking once.

I wanted to open my mouth, get out words about how I didn't understand. What was he saying? But my entire body refused to move. I was only able to stare back at him with bleary eyes. A scream that would never be able to get out worked its way up my throat. I was being forced to watch him walk away from me for what I could feel was going to be the last time.

My eyes popped open to a sunshine-filled morning. Moisture filled them, but it was easily blinked away. I was already sitting up in my bed, having done so just moments before fully waking up. My hands were clutching the comforter and I had to work my fingers out of their bent, rigid state. The short, shallow breaths that left my mouth were heavy and hard to get out through my constricted throat. It felt as if I had been screaming, crying out for someone to make everything in the dream stop. It took me a long time to convince myself that it hadn't been real, that Alex would never leave me in the middle of the woods or on the edge of a fatal breakdown.

I threw the blankets to the side, swallowing hard as I spun to swing my legs over the edge of the bed. Though I had reassured myself that all was well, I still didn't want to leave my room. I wouldn't be greeted by the two people I had come to expect to always be there when I woke up, just like I hadn't for weeks now. If graduation wasn't on the horizon, moving to a new apartment would be ideal to forget the fact that Hadley and Daniel were now living elsewhere. But I knew that it would be pointless to do so now when I would surely be moving closer to the boys in such a short time.

With a sigh, I finally found the will to stand from the bed and continue out into the hall. It was a relief that my dream hadn't turned into reality and my appendages were all as bendable and movable as usual. Everything was quiet and dimly lit with the sun muffled by the drawn shades. It was almost as if I didn't live in New York City. My face brightened with this thought. I went to open the windows to let light and fresh air in, smiling at remembering I had a date today and I would get to see the other four boys tonight.

I flitted around, a Pop-Tart in hand to tide me over while the other cleaned things up. Now that it was just me living here, the rooms were a lot more tidy, even if they held a taint of sadness. It was nice though to finally be able to see the tabletops after too many months of no one being home long enough to clear them. The mood I was in was a strange one, and cleaning seemed to be the only thing to keep my mind from wandering. It was all a combination of my elation of getting to see the guys and the terror of the horrid dream I had had. I wanted to know what it meant, but I didn't want to think too far into it in fear that it would bring me down.

An anxious feeling presented itself at all of the worries bouncing around in my head. I didn't know what it meant, had never felt anything like it. It did come with familiar, long-forgotten side effects though. I almost had to quit my distractions to sit on the couch and soothe my clenching stomach. This hadn't happened in so long that it hit me harder than ever. But I managed to power through it until I was completely ready to meet up with Alex. As long as I could keep it at bay, I vowed to keep it out of mind until I was alone again.

The late April air was warm, caressing the skin of my arms. I was so happy that it was finally nice out. It helped to forget about everything that had consumed me since going to sleep. Chills still found a way to run down my spine, raise goosebumps even in the sun. All that it took to make that happen was the sight of the one place I had spent nearly every morning the past four years. I didn't even hesitate to open the door to the coffee shop, having already seen Alex waiting at the counter, his back to the front of the store. Quietly, I ran up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

I reached up on my toes until my lips were at his ear. "Surprise," I whispered, already reveling in being near him.

I wasn't holding on tight enough that he couldn't move -though I thought about it. He turned to face me, a smirk already on his lips. "It's not so much of a surprise when I was expecting you," he stated, winding his arms around me. His lips found my hair, moving from the top of my head to my lips in seconds.

"But surprises are so much better," I pouted, pulling away some.

We danced in place for a minute, really just holding each other and spinning in a small circle. It felt as if we were in our own world. I couldn't feel any eyes on us and we weren't being scolded for blocking the way. I appreciated this small bubble of space. I always complained we were apart too long, but it really had been this time, with them recording in California and touring. So no interruptions was exactly what was needed.

When we pulled apart, we didn't detach completely. Our hands found each other's, searching simultaneously. I hadn't really planned on getting anything while we were here but Alex had already ordered for me, knowing exactly what I liked. The barista set both our drinks on the counter in front of which we stood and we were able to head out the door again. I laced our fingers almost absentmindedly, clasping his hand tightly in mine.

"So," he began, pausing to suck on his straw and get his caffeine fix, "do you want to go get something to eat? Or we could just stroll around for a while and eat later with everyone else."

I spent a few minutes examining the whipped cream smeared on the lid of my cup. I was thinking it through as if one choice may be favorable over the other. Really, I felt like not talking at all, still scared of the dream I'd had and also thinking that silence always worked nicely with us. But conversation was inevitable either way. "I think a nice walk is in order," I finally answered. "I don't want to waste this day." And that was true. I still couldn't get over how nice it was out already compared to the year previous.

Alex gave a sharp nod in agreement, leading us along the sidewalk. We passed vendors and shops that I either frequented or saw everyday of my life. They all seemed so much better as the two of us continued on our way. Like being here with him was making my eyes see clearer, maybe with a filter to make everything look fantastic. My outlook was so much brighter when he was around, and I was just now seeming to realize it. I had even been able to push my nightmare into the darkest corner of my mind.

We didn't talk for a while, which was okay with me. I leaned my head against his shoulder as we walked, letting him move his hand from mine to snake his arm around my waist.

"How long until graduation?" he asked after a few moments. He looked down at me and I could feel his fingers twirling in the hair falling down my back.

A small smile found its way to my lips. "Two and a half weeks," I answered pleasantly. "Sucks that you're gonna miss it." I was only slightly upset about this. We had so much time to be together after it was over. He had bigger things to do anyway, and I had accepted things like this long ago.

"I'm bummed I won't see it," he frowned and he squeezed me tighter for a second. "I'm-"

"Don't even apologize," I demanded lightly. "You already know that I understand. Plus, as soon as I find a job -anything worthwhile- I can move back home. It'll be nice to have friends close again," I added wistfully. Getting a new apartment alone was a much better prospect when I knew Alex and the guys would be around all the time.

"Close?" he asked. I looked up in time to see his thick eyebrows raised in surprise. "Why don't you move in with Rian and me?" he suggested.

I opened my mouth to protest, tell him that I couldn't do that so soon. He was already off on his next point.

"And if finding a job is going to hamper you coming down to Maryland, then just don't worry about it," he said as if it were no big deal, halting in the middle of the sidewalk. There were a couple of angry mumbles from people behind us as a result.

I was glad that he had stopped, because I wasn't exactly sure I would have been able to. I was more in the mind of continuing to walk off in anger. I detached myself from him, letting him see my dropped jaw. What was he trying to say? "And what does that mean? What would I do?" I inquired, crossing my arms.

Alex shrugged as if none of this was being discussed. "You could come with us. You won't have to worry about anything. Just let me take care of you for-" He didn't even trail off. With one glance at the look on my face, he abruptly stopped his explanation.

I took a step back, wanting to space myself from him. My hands were in tight fists hidden by my arms and I could feel them longing to go for his throat. "What- How exactly do you see me, Alex?" I asked lowly, afraid a scream was going to overtake the words. "I'm not beautiful enough to be a trophy wife, just sitting around to stare at. But that seems to be how you want to treat me. For Christ's sake, I'm not even your wife!" That was surely a logical point, I figured.

"I'm not going to spend my days lying around your house or going on tour and mooching off of everyone. Off of you! I'm not that kind of girl and I was sure after all of this, being away from you just to get an education and support myself. I thought that was something you understood like I understand your touring and busy schedule." I expected to be winded after this speech, for my eyes to be overflowing with the salt water I hated. But I was perfectly calm, my face still a giant question mark.

"Clarke…" Alex drew out, clearly pained. He stuttered around his words, confused and upset by my reaction. If those were going to be his emotions, then maybe he should have thought his proposition through, I thought. "That's -that's really not what I meant. But would it really be such a big deal?" He suddenly found his own fury bubbling up inside him. "So horrible to take some time to relax and be with me for a while? I know I've done nothing but run around the world for the past few months. I was hoping since you understand so much, that maybe you would just take some time to do it with me." He closed his eyes briefly, his jaw locked tight in recognizable frustration and exasperation. "Money isn't an issue here. Come with me. Be purely happy for a little while."

I ground my teeth together. Nothing he was saying was making his argument any better. I was expected to not get a job? To have him take care of me financially while I lived in his house and lounged on their bus? Most people wouldn't think twice at being offered the chance to take time to be with their significant other, to not have to work or worry about money. But I couldn't see what made him think this was a good idea for somebody like me.

What made me most furious about the whole situation was that this probably would not have always offended me. I could feel that the naive seventeen-year-old me, who was deeply infatuated and in love for the first time, would have followed him anywhere he asked of me. I wouldn't have questioned it. At that point, the whole college path could have been forgotten along with the worry of money. Yes, what made me most indignant was I wanted to be seventeen again, and stay seventeen.

"No, Alex," I said firmly. I wasn't yet falling apart, not even inside. But I could tell it was going to come, eventually. I didn't want it to show at all. "I'm not going to throw away four years just to do what you want me to." I wanted to tell him that I loved him regardless of my decision, but I knew it would cause the opposite of what I needed.

"Well, then I'm done, Clarke." It came out so quickly that I almost didn't feel the blow it caused. It was like my feet were knocked out from under me and I was staring at the sky without any knowledge of why I was. It would have been a better sight. His eyes were the same lifeless brown I had witnessed in my sleep. "I'm not coming back to keep you from being a shrew again." He wasn't looking at me now, staring off in the distance so he wouldn't see the breakdown he thought was sure to happen.

I couldn't be mad at his words because they were nothing but true. I was a shrew and he somehow managed to fix it every time. I also refused to be upset. That could still be held off until I was far away from him. "Fine," I shrugged, too stubborn to find other words. I started walking away, not able to handle being near him any longer. "Guess I'll be seeing you. Or not. Whatever," I called over my shoulder. In only a few seconds, he was already out of my sight.

Surprisingly, my eyes were still dry, my throat wasn't blocked with grief. I took this advantage and pulled my phone from the back pocket of my jeans. I skipped going to my contacts once I'd clicked on the phone, knowing who's number it was going to be stuck on since I called him everyday. I punched in the number I wanted after blindly bringing up the keypad and pressed my phone to my ear with a little too much force. Once I knew there was someone on the other line, I didn't even give them a chance to speak.

"Zack, I think you should get as much alcohol as possible and come to my apartment," I told him, slowing my pace. People were starting to stare at me.

Zack didn't hesitate to agree. This is what I loved about him. "Should I bring the others?" he inquired. I could hear them all questioning what was going on in the background.

"Yeah," I replied, instantly brightened some by this idea. I honestly hadn't thought about getting anyone but him.

The wait for them once I got home wasn't that long. The small amount of alone time was spent loudly singing -loud enough to get a neighbor complaint- just so I didn't have to think about what was happening today. I threw the door open when the guys knocked and welcomed the bag of liquor being shoved into my arms.

"Do you guys know how much I love you?" I more stated than asked as I pulled out a bottle of Belvedere. All four of them smiled back at me after I turned from closing the door behind Matt. Rian took the bag from me, leaving me with my bottle, and took it to the kitchen to set it all out.

Ending my horrid day with laughing on the living room floor with Jack and being completely trashed off an entire bottle of vodka was going to make everything better.