Phrases Left On Paper

I couldn't remember ever being so hung over. If I was really thinking about it, I couldn't remember drinking as much or as long as I did to make me so hung over. Thinking made my head throb more than it already was, so I tried not to do it. I spent a lot of time lying on the couch, watching the same things over again and trying to forget about alcohol. I skipped classes to sit in the dark I had created in the living room. The guys were only there for that first night and they each tried to talk me down, reassure me that things were not as they seemed. I ignored them and they seemed to be okay with drinking the night away. After that, I was alone to wallow.

This had all been brought on by myself. I knew it, everyone knew it. I had screwed myself over so far this time, and I was sure I wasn't going to come back from it now or ever. Without Alex, I was going to fall back to who I had been for the majority of my life, what I knew how to play so well. The shrew. He said himself he wasn't going to come back, and he was the only one who could get me out of that funk. The lose of him and my social state of mind was all I could think about. I mourned them both with the liquor I swore off each day.

I hugged a pillow closer to my chest, pushing my face further into it. I couldn't say what time it was or even what day at this point. My mind had never been so on the fritz that I was forgetting the date. Proud was the last thing I was; it wasn't even in my vocabulary currently. I knew it had been at least a full day since I'd even gotten off the couch. Nothing had been compelling enough to force me from this spot and to pause the show I was watching. Other people's drama had always been better than my own, and seemingly easy to fix. The fact that this one didn't contain anything easy had me addicted.

There was a knock on the door, to which I only grunted. It was even less effective since my mouth was mostly covered with the pillow. Whoever it was clearly wasn't looking for an answer or for me to open the door anyway. I heard the lock click open before the person stepped through the door. Hadley took two steps into the living room and threw her hands on her hips at the sight of me. She kicked the door shut, staring at me in wait for any word to leave my mouth. She came to sit on the arm of the couch above my head when it was clear I was too caught up in the television.

"What are you doing?" she questioned, reaching down to pet my hair. I could feel her cringe and pull away when she realized it wasn't washed. It was hard to feel ashamed about my hygiene as of late.

"Watching Weeds," I mumbled, never prying my eyes from the screen. A pot selling mother with two sons screwed up by the ordeal that had put her there and a beyond free-spirited brother-in-law was so much better than a bad breakup. Exactly why I had dedicated nearly way too much time to watching the first five seasons.

My best friend stood back up again, her eyes burning holes as they looked at me skeptically. "You were watching Weeds when I called you yesterday morning," she pointed out. I could tell that she didn't really believe that I had told the truth when I'd talked to her.

I shrugged the best I could while I couldn't move my arms. "And I'm almost done. I have like half of this season left," I yawned, the realization that I'd spent so much time on this finally hitting.

She gave a small gasp. "Have you slept at all?" she demanded.

"There were a couple episodes I had to re-watch because I couldn't remember what happened at all. So… about an hour," I responded, yawning once more. My eyelids were beginning to droop, but I was determined to stay awake and finish this self-proclaimed mission.

Hadley sighed loudly, making her way to the other end of the couch. Lifting my feet, she planted herself beneath them. I actually turned to face her as she began speaking, curling my legs toward me so they wouldn't be a burden to her and hitting the pause button so I didn't miss anything on the show. "Why can't you just call him?" she questioned. "I know the two of you, so I know that this can all be worked out. You just need to communicate." Up until this point, she had done a good job at ignoring my shaking head. "Clarke!" she exclaimed, no longer able to hold it in. "Look at yourself! You're miserable."

"And when have you known me to not be miserable?" I grumbled, keeping my eyes from landing on her. I didn't want to admit she was right.

She tapped her chin, pretending to think about it. "September oh-five to June oh-six: senior year. And the middle of September last year, until you decided to put yourself through this again."

"I'm not always miserable without them," I argued. There was also the small detail that I was really only without one of them.

"No, you're not," she admitted. "You were a very pleasant person before you met them. And after a few months, it was nice to be around you when you had let them leave your mind," she told me. "But when they're in your life, you shine so brightly, Clarke. When he's in your life, you are the best person anyone could ever want to be around. You have you're happy times when you're not around them, but the fact that you're upset is still there." She finished her speech with crossing her arms and giving me a look that told me that I'd better believe her.

I shrank, forcing myself into an impossible ball so that I was nowhere near her. I averted my eyes back to the TV so that I didn't have to look at her. Of course she was right. They all made my life better, especially Alex. So I had the rest of them still. How long would it be until I shut them out because it hurt too much to know they were with him? Knowing myself, I knew that I would do this. It was only a matter of time. And I didn't want that time to come. I loved them all and I didn't want to be miserable forever without them.

"Was there a bigger reason for you coming here other than yelling at me?" I asked after I had been silent for a few moments. This situation wasn't what I wanted to end her visit on.

"We haven't seen each other in forever," Hadley shrugged, her tone completely changing from what she'd acquired for her lecture. "I thought we could go out. But you clearly are not in the physical state to go anywhere, and it appears as if you've already drank the day away." She lifted a half empty bottle off the table beside her to put emphasis on her statement.

I pushed myself up, putting the pillow I had been holding so close off to the side. "Give me an hour? I can be ready," I promised. She nodded, and I quickly made my way back to my room.

Hadley was right, twice in one night. I wasn't in any kind of state to go out and enjoy time with my best friend. It was surely needed though. Like when she would drag me out before life had changed again, I wasn't social, really only sticking to her. She was somewhat the same way now that she didn't need any other boy to fill her time. For the first time, we went to a restaurant and simply talked. She seemed to have gotten all she wanted to out about what I was going through, so I didn't even have to worry about breaking down in the middle of eating.

She kept me out for a long time. I knew it was because she was afraid I would become one with the couch. I couldn't say I blamed her. I was in fear of the same thing when I actually thought about it. What had I done but watch television and make my liver scream for help? This was getting me back into life. Maybe before I was ready, though I had a feeling that was her plan all along. Because if not now, when? I probably would have kept myself incapacitated for weeks.

The apartment building loomed ominously overhead as the two of us sat on the stoop. Of course, it was only ominous to me. This place held no memories Hadley would want to forget. The neighbors that used to be both of ours and were now only mine passed us on the way in and out of the front door. I couldn't say that we had ever done this before, just sat and enjoyed a beautiful night while we talked. It was nice to do something new when I was trying to forget so much to get myself through this.

"How many classes have you missed?" she inquired with a small smirk. She was teasing, but I could tell she was a little worried.

I snorted, "I don't even know what today is." We laughed together, ignoring the fact that it probably wasn't a good thing that I had lost track of the days. "I'll go back tomorrow, though. I think I'm ready to get back out again," I told her with a smile of my own.

Hadley grinned back, pushing her light brown hair behind her ear. She leaned back against the concrete steps, staring up at the sky. "Are you sure you're going to pass your finals and graduate after missing this close to all of it?" Again, worrying about me a bit more than she had to.

"I'm positive." In this, I was confident. Before the breakup, I had submerged myself in my schoolwork as much as I could around my extensive work schedule. It had been a good thing that Alex didn't call until late at night, because I sadly wouldn't have been able to fit it in otherwise. I supposed I didn't have to worry about that anymore… But I knew I would graduate, and just possibly be able to do it with flying colors.

We spent a while longer sitting outside, mostly her updating me on her son and her relationship. I missed having them all here, no matter how jealous I had been at the time. She left me with a tight hug and I made sure to have her give Daniel a kiss for me and promise to come by again with him soon. I didn't watch her walk down the sidewalk, turning into the building almost immediately. I took the stairs, hoping it would tire me out so I wouldn't have to spend any idle time in the apartment.

My phone went off before I made it halfway up, indicating a text message. My heart pounded a little faster, my hopes soaring farther than I would ever allow. I knew it couldn't be him. He wasn't going to try to fix what I had broken. Pulling it out, I saw I was right. I waited until I was through the front door before I called Jack back as he had demanded.

"You two really hate yourselves, don't you?" He was obviously angry, speaking before I could and storming through his words. This was not something I was used to from him. "I don't know what happened that caused this, but I know that you both regret it. Watching you get drunk off your ass that night, and seeing him do it every night since tells me that you're both just pussies," he informed me with his firm tone.

I still wasn't sure I could take him seriously. I had to stifle a small laugh and get serious fast. Why did my friends find the need to not say Alex's name? As if it were some sort of taboo to me. Thinking about this is what took the humor out of my mind. "He'll get over it, just like I will. He probably will sooner than me…" I speculated aloud. "I'm already done with my drinking, so he'll slow down soon. Don't worry about what's going on -or isn't- between us," I pleaded, short of crushing my palms together to put the gesture to use. I walked through the dark to my room, setting foot in it only to change just like the past few days.

Jack sighed heavily, letting it carry on for much longer than necessary. "Clarke Holliday, would you please tell me what went down the other night that you two just had to break up?" he begged once he had caught his breath.

It was silent for a long time. I stood in the threshold of my bathroom, staring at the reflection of the shower in the mirror. It was all I could do to not start crying. I didn't want to explain it to him, to anyone. My freakout had been over something so stupid, a misunderstanding. This wasn't what Alex had wanted. He didn't want me mopping around because I had taken his suggestion the wrong way. He wanted me happy and relaxed for once, and with him while doing so. And I couldn't go running back to him because he didn't want me anymore.

"Don't -don't worry about it ...Jack Barakat," I choked, yet still managing to add humor to mock him. "Maybe I'm upset, but it's not much of a change. I promise you, this time I won't go running off. I won't move to a different state unless it's back to Maryland, and the rest of you will definitely know this time. But Jack, this is all I can tell you. I don't want to talk about it." These words were proceeded by my tears finally breaking through.