Phrases Left On Paper

Moving from home had only been a major event once before in my life. That other time had also been to a completely different state from a place I had been for a long time. Long enough that my attachment was strong and I would get emotional leaving. Of course, the first time had been from my childhood home, where I'd spent eighteen years. I didn't want to leave this time more than last, but it was better for me, was going to be better for me. Arguments were made to every person I talked to that maybe I couldn't go through with it this time because what lay before me was what also lay behind me. I was afraid of what may happen when I got back to Maryland. What if Alex found out? Always my first concern. What if I just didn't find it to be as welcoming as it had been when I was younger? Also logical. But I couldn't stay in New York any longer. What had happened here was worse than anything I could possibly face moving back home. And it didn't help that my funds were dwindling too much to live in a two-bedroom alone, or even this city.

Hadley recruited herself and Marshall to help me. I would have protested. What good would it do them to make the drive when they didn't need to? But Marshall had a car, which made moving my smaller things so much easier. My parents, whom I hadn't seen since they'd visited the previous summer, were also coming to help. It was an overflow of people I loved and cared for. I wouldn't think about the ones who were missing. They had better things to do than help me move back to a place I had left for a bigger chance at a good education. It was also moving back to the place that I had left them all years ago. At least I had informed all but one of them that I would be near them soon enough. I was to expect them to stop by once they were back from California and before they went back on tour. A bittersweet reunion because I had such a short time with them and they weren't the ones who I was really dying to see. I refused to think about either let down.

I didn't have much to bring with me. Pretty much just everything contained in my bedroom. She didn't like it, but I was forcing Hadley to take all the other furniture. It had all been a gift from her parents to begin with and I knew she would need it for the house she was buying with Marshall when the summer ended. This was the one good thing about my parents helping out: I got to ride with them. Otherwise, I knew my best friend would have found a way to guilt me into taking it all. Or much worse. Like going with her when she moved to her new house or making up with Alex so that I wouldn't feel so horrible about going back to Maryland. Her influence on me hadn't lessened at all in the months we'd minimally seen each other. I was sure that all it took was the right words from her for me to show up on the doorstep I had placed myself on before Christmas.

So much of the trip down was spent listening to my dad lecture me on the right things to do while living on your own, as if I hadn't just spent the last four years doing it. I wanted to drown him out and study the passing scenery, enjoy the kind of springtime I hadn't seen in such a long time. But, just like a ride with Hadley, I wasn't sure what thoughts would run through my head when presented with nothing new. It probably wouldn't be anything I liked. So I listened to my father and my mother's two cents about certain points on things that I knew all about.

"Did you think we would be doing this?" Hadley asked when we had all arrived at my new apartment building. The two of us were standing on the walk, killing time until we had to start hauling everything inside. "That you and I wouldn't be living together anymore so soon?" She frowned when she looked over at me, seeing that I was nodding.

"It's not like I prayed for it," I said, reaching out to push the corners of her lips back up so that my friend looked like her normal self. I didn't even have to touch her for her to smile again because she let out a laugh at my attempt. "I always hoped that you would work things out with baby-daddy, even if this would be the outcome. When you finally told him everything, I definitely knew that we would only be living together for a while longer," I admitted with a shrug. This didn't pain me anymore. We were adults, as much as the thought made me cringe. I wasn't going to spend my time being jealous or envious or even nostalgic. I had other things to make my emotions soar, and I didn't even want to think about those things at all.

Hadley jutted out her bottom lip in a mock sad look, running her index finger from her eye down her cheek. It was beyond easy to tell that this was fake after I had just seen the real sadness. "You're so insightful," she smiled. "Even for the pessimist you are." She laughed when I shoved her. "When did you get a GaGa shirt, by the way?" She was staring at my open cardigan, her eyebrows pulled together. She had known my wardrobe like it was her own at one point. She still wanted to know it that well.

I looked down, not wanting to answer this question. "It's… It's uh, Alex's," I mumbled. I quickly moved on, not wanting to keep this awkward moment anymore. "Come on. My dad's gonna shit a brick if we don't start getting things upstairs two minutes ago," I told her, and led her over to the truck that all of my larger belongings were contained in.

I was happy to keep myself busy most of the afternoon. Like a good host, I was expected to keep up appearances and go to dinner with everyone. Really, all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed that had no blankets or even sheets on it yet. Or possibly on the living room floor since I didn't have a couch. The carpet was plush enough to take a nice nap on. But the sooner I got done with keeping up pretenses, the sooner I got to get back to being a recluse. And I knew that I would have a good time out with my family and my best friend. I would forget all about wanting to hide from them all. I could be the person I liked to be and not the one they all guessed I really was when they weren't around.

Once I had bid them all goodbye with the hugs that spelled out sorrow, I spent a few minutes standing in front of the closed door, staring at the small space. I enjoyed that it wasn't as big as the apartment I had shared with Hadley. It was better for me, better to keep myself locked up when I wasn't at work. Once I'd gotten over the thrill of being somewhere new, I headed to my room and began unpacking boxes. I ended up on the bed after what was probably hours but felt like so little time, a blanket twisted around me while I drifted off. It wasn't a comfortable sleep -what slumber actually had been satisfying this month?- but it was sleep nonetheless.

After a few days, all of my things were unpacked and the apartment was as cozy as it could be without a sofa or anything else in the living room. I had tried to get everything ready quickly. Normally, I wouldn't have been too worried. Things probably would have sat in boxes and went untouched for a least two weeks before I got around to it. But the boys were finally home and I was to expect them to give Alex a false story so they could come and see me. I had told them that they really didn't have to lie, though I was thankful. They insisted that they go through with it. So my new home was nice and clean and all ready for them to wreck if alcohol would be involved. Well, ready for Jack to wreck.

My new job was almost as boring as sitting at home all day. I had been a lot more pleased with being a shift manager at a department store. Hell, I had been thrilled with being a sales associate compared to this and I was as antisocial as they come. Complaining wasn't really something I could even think of doing. I was lucky to be able to find it so quickly so that I could make my way to my home state as soon as possible. Either way, I found myself bouncing in my seat, thinking about getting to see the guys in just a few short hours. Due to my lack of a vehicle since I had only been settled in a few days, I practically ran home so that I would be able to get ready just as fast.

I had never been so excited to see then, and it hadn't even been that long since the night we had all gotten drunk as a result of my mistake. It was hard to admit it, but I supposed I was lonely. It would be a lot easier for them to cure this than anyone else. So I guessed I could use that as an excuse to the reason it took me so little time to do everything. I didn't have to think about it too long because there was a knock on the door not even an hour after I had been home. I loved them for not giving me a real time and simply showing up.

Jack didn't even let me get the door open the whole way before he threw his arms around me. "Clarke Holliday!" he exclaimed, picking me up off the ground and carrying me the few feet into the living room. Him saying my name this time around was much better to listen to than it had been several nights ago. This was elation, not begging.

I giggled, continuing when he let me down. "How was the premiere?" I questioned as I moved on to hugging Rian.

Rian squeezed me tight and kissed the top of my head. "Fantastic," he replied for the rest of them. "Wish you could have been there."

They each nodded in agreement, but didn't seem to be able to stay sad. It seemed as if their moods were kept high at the fact I was near again. But I was never one to give myself credit, so I told myself that they were just riding on the joy of everything they were doing.

"How's the library?" Zack inquired with an evil smirk. He leaned against the wall since I had nothing to provide as a seat.

I gave them all an apologetic look as a result of my lack of moving preparation before glaring back at Zack. "A lot more uneventful than when we were in high school," I told them, crossing my arms. "I liked the school library much better. Plus, the fact that I feel like I should be wearing skirts everyday and putting my hair in a tight bun. Maybe steal Jack's glasses to complete the look," I teased.

I led them all into the kitchen, since it was the one place I had chairs. Hadley had made me take the kitchen table, saying how it was the least she could do. I just hadn't known she made my dad and Marshall put it in the truck. I hopped up onto the nearest counter so that the boys could take the chairs. "What about the record? How's it coming along?" I wanted the subject off of me. I hadn't done anything of interest except come home and find a job.

We sat there just like we used to, talking for hours. They told me all about the premiere for their DVD, their new album, the tour they were going out on. I loved hearing about their accomplishments, all their success. That was one reason I never quit listening to them even though I pretended like I wanted nothing more to do with them as people. They were always going to be close to me and I would always want to see how far they would get.

Though it was probably not the brightest idea, for me especially, the alcohol was out and being consumed at an early hour. They tried to distract me Matt would keep my attention with an intense conversation while Rian poured half my cup's contents into his own. It wasn't enough when I began drinking from each of theirs. I had learned my lesson after sitting in the dark and drinking alone, of course. Being with them made me need to forget though. I wanted him so much in this moment. So much so that I didn't even want to think his name while I was intoxicated.

"Can we go somewhere?" I slurred slightly. This was why I hated drinking so much in the first place. My speech was something I didn't like to mess with, above anything else. "I hate this apartment. I can't be in here for too long." Did I really feel that way? It seemed I'd suppressed it the whole time I had been here.

Jack laughed and took my hand. "We certainly can, princess," he answered, and led me out behind everyone else once he'd grabbed a cardigan for me. He wrapped it around my shoulders as we all headed outside, keeping a slow pace.

I laced our fingers, leaning my head against his shoulder. I was always comfortable with Jack, and it was more than accelerated with my inebriated state. I didn't know where we were going, but it was fine with me. As long as it wasn't someplace that would bring back memories that would turn into nightmares when I went to sleep tonight. We walked for a long time -I suspected they were trying to tire me out and had no true destination- and I couldn't seem to keep my mouth shut.

"Jack, can I ask you a question?" I asked, squeezing his hand tighter at the sight of the small hill up ahead. He looked down at me with a smirk, nodding to tell me to go on. "Why did we never work out?" I inquired. I was drunk. This was a subject I shouldn't be bringing up, and wouldn't have if I would have been fully aware.

He snorted, now shaking his head. "Do you really have to ask that?" he questioned back. He didn't appear angry on the outside, but I could see it deep in his brown eyes. Even through my alcohol-clouded brain, I was worried that this might come out.

Quickly, I made to fix my mistake. "I really did love you, Jack. I wish I could have found a way to tell you. Or at least made it back to you. Maybe things would be a little bit easier for the both of us if we were still together," I stated sadly. I was sobered by this, these words leaving my mouth. I was sure truer words had rolled from my tongue. But in this moment, these words were the truest. Things could have been simple with Jack. I had loved him and his malapropisms and the way he said my name. The time apart had changed us though, and changing without each other just made it difficult for us to be together now.

"They would be," Jack responded after a silent second. He pulled me into his other arm, holding me tight. "Neither of us handled it well. And I loved you, too, for the record." He chuckled lightly. "I do think you're better with-" Before he could go too far, he cut himself off. It was already obvious what he was about to say.

I didn't say anything. Pulling from his embrace but continuing to hold his hand, I moved us forward again. I didn't want him to think he had upset me. It was just too hard for me to speak now. He didn't say anything and just rubbed his thumb against my hand to apologize. It worked for me.

We caught up with the others quickly. They hadn't gone very far and were all standing together. It was easy to tell they were arguing about something. Jack sighed heavily when he heard this and he mumbled something sounding like not now.

"What's going on?" I pulled Jack more toward them, knowing he wasn't going to bring us any further. Rian looked at me with wary eyes while the rest of them stopped talking and looked everywhere but at me. I hated when they did this. "Talking shit?" I joked. After all this, I felt like I hadn't drank at all. Everything was forcing me out of the adolescent mood I had put myself in. It was so easy to keep my tone light because of this.

Matt laughed nervously, shaking his head to answer my question. "Don't hate us. Them. Really, don't hate me, because it wasn't my idea." He pressed his lips into a line briefly, and then began chewing on his lip ring as he stepped away to let someone else take the bad news stage.

Zack punched him for his words and actions. I found it more than appropriate in the moment.

"Someone, just tell me what's going on," I demanded. I pulled away from Jack finally, feeling that I no longer needed his support. I was also scared that I would get angry at whatever this news could be and I didn't want to be too near him in case my reaction got violent in some way. "It's so easy to tell when you're discussing something about me. And it would be awesome if I got to be in on it as well."

Rian, like usual, was the one to step up to be the bearer of bad or good news. He would have to wait to see which. "We were going to ask you to come to the show Friday," he told me.

These boys, always worried about me and the way I would react. I loved them. "That's it? Of course I'll go," I smiled. Bile was trying hard to break through that expression. Even saying it, I wasn't sure I really meant it. It would be selfish to not go because I was afraid of what would happen. I just had to pray that nothing did happen.