Phrases Left On Paper

The situation didn't call for it, yet I wished horribly that it was like a movie and I'd pass out from shock. Not being conscious for this would be so much easier. They wouldn't be able to spend much time here, having to continue on their way. Even thirty seconds on the ground with no sense of anything would be enough. I wouldn't even have to worry about embarrassment because I would make it a point to make sure they never saw me again.

It just didn't happen. My body didn't find the need to shut itself down in any way. My eyes stayed as wide as my mouth as I stared at these four boys. Everything else was impossibly quiet. I knew that in reality it was loud, louder than I'd ever heard before. My ears just weren't picking it up. All I could hear was my name, over and over again in low whispers. They were so excited, and all I wanted was to be invisible, disappear or wake up from this stupid dream. Really, what sane girl would drag her friend to the VMAs? It only made sense for it to be a made up scenario my insane mind had come up with.

I'd never seen three smiles wider than the ones in front of me though, and that's how I knew it wasn't a terrible dream. There was only one pained expression and I didn't have to look to see which boy it was. Jack tried his best to hide it though when I eventually did take in his face completely. And my senses were flooded by the scene. I could see everyone else. I could hear the continued screaming. I could feel Hadley's hand crushing mine as she talked quickly to the guys.

It had only been those thirty seconds I could have been flat on the pavement since I had recognized them.

Another word broke from my lips, and it wasn't intelligible in the least. "Hi," I mouthed, staring at Jack still. It seemed impossible to avert my eyes to get away from the sadness in his own eyes.

"Where the hell have you been?" Rian screeched, and he took a step forward to throw his arms around me. He paid no attention to the obstruction of the velvet rope between us.

I finally smiled then. This was too hard to handle, but Rian would never change. He was always going to be the nicest person on the planet. My arms wrapped around his torso and I said, "I've missed you, Rian."

We pulled away from each other and I found that the other boys were waiting to do what he had, and I had to be subjected to it. Hadley was grinning widely next to me. This was the last thing she would have expected to happen. She was so thrilled about it that she was visibly ready to explode with joy.

I just sighed. I still wished it wasn't real.

"You guys have been AWOL for three years!" Alex exclaimed, throwing his hands up which sent his scarf waving in the air.

Hadley nodded, readily prepared to answer. A good thing; I was too shocked into silence again. "We go to NYU," she told them, taking my hand again.

The five of them talked for what seemed like forever. I knew it couldn't have been. Time was just going slower than my mind could comprehend.

Something touched my other hand, breaking my thoughts. I looked down to see the familiar hand with just the fingertips touching my knuckles. My gaze flicked up to see Jack. He was the only one still standing there, the others being rushed off while he was pushing it. Not only with whoever was running the carpet, but me, too.

"See you later," he whispered, barely audible among the loud babble. He was being pushed on before I could understand his meaning.

I wanted to throw Hadley a demanding and questioning look so I could figure this all out without talking. That was still impossible. She was pulling me, away from the crowd, away from this idiotic night out she'd planned. She didn't stop for several blocks.

"Hadley, please!" my vocal chords finally spit out. I pulled hard against her hold, trying to get her to stop or let go. She snapped to a stop, but kept the grip on my hand. "What's going on?" I asked like I hadn't just been there.

"You were just reunited with your boys!" she yelled back excitedly with no hesitation. She was close to jumping up and down. Her elation was clouding her vision of me clearly not feeling the same thing she was.

In a sense, I knew her statement was true. I had been reunited with the four of them, for a brief time anyway and that was more than enough for me. And they had once been my boys. I had moved on and I was sure they had, too. So I didn't want to believe the truth in what she had said. "Reunions last longer," I mumbled, trying to hide the happiness I felt that this wasn't long. "And I'm glad it's over."

"Over?" my best friend scoffed. She continued walking again, and I followed at a fast pace.

"What are you talking about?" I could feel the groan coming up my throat already.

Hadley smirked at me. I couldn't tell if it was because she could see my discomfort and enjoyed it or if it was because she thought I was happy. "I gave Alex our address. Is there cotton in your ears tonight?" she questioned jokingly. "They're coming when they're done there."

I felt my face fall from whatever position of expression it had been in. Was she bent on ruining the life I'd created here? She had appeared to be liking how I was now. I had only spent that first summer in a foul mood, and a few weeks here. I was sure she didn't want that back or, worse yet, me screaming at her in anger.

I thought about it for a while as we continued walking. We were almost home now. It hit me then. My face brightened again, bringing my thoughts into the light with it. They were a band, they were famous. Nights like tonight called for after parties and after-after parties. Surely, they would be too busy. I shook my head and let out one short chuckle as I thought of how great it was that they didn't need us anymore.

"What's up with you?" Hadley asked me. She took her key out of the front door's lock. She was five feet above me on the stoop. I hadn't noticed we were home.

My smile was wide as I made it up the few steps to cross the threshold with her. "They can't come," I announced. The voice didn't even sound like my own it was so completely laced with exhilaration. "They may not be Jay-Z, but they definitely have more important things to do than come hang out with two people they used to know." I realized that she didn't have anything to say to this when the elevator jerked to a stop on our floor. This only made everything better.

Neither of us said a word as we walked to our apartment. Hadley unlocked the door and I could hear Daniel giggling at whatever Disney movie they were watching. His head snapped up to us the moment the door was open. He toddled over to hop into Hadley's arms as fast as he could.

"I'm gonna go shower. Then catch what I can of the VMAs," I told all of them. I then kissed Daniel's forehead -making him squeal in delight- and continued on my way down the hall to my room.

I was still bubbling with relief at my revelation. The shower was still needed to rid of my tense-tightened muscles. The situation was tough for me to comprehend let alone get over.

My room was still the same state I'd left it in. The television was on, some reality show taking place of my favorite old sitcom. I left it on once again while I kicked my shoes off into the closet and walked into my own small bathroom. I had the water running at the hottest temperature I could handle before I stripped off my clothes. I welcomed the steam that clung to my skin as I stepped into the hot water. It was so great that I foresaw it lasting a lot longer than intended.

I was sure it was at least an hour later when I stood wringing my hair out between both hands. Water dripped to the shower floor, adding to the giant puddle. I wrapped a towel around myself and stepped over the lip of the tub to walk over to the mirror. I grabbed the hairdryer, turning it on high and let the hot air run over the reflective glass. My image was smiling back at me in seconds.

What a vast difference. It was nothing short of a miracle the guys had even recognized me. Due to an experiment, a strive for something different, my hair had been bleach blond for the past year. Though what was atop my head was lighter, my skin didn't seem as pale as it had once been. There was a tint to it, the last of my summer tan sticking for as long as it could. My eyebrows and lashes were also lightened, thanks to all that time in the sun. My dark blue eyes were like sapphires now, always shining with excitement. My uneven lips were hardly ever in anything but some version of a smile. Tonight, those two features had changed drastically. Maybe that was what had tipped them off. Old expressions on old friends.

Lightly, I shrugged and then winked at the air between my reflection and me. My room was much colder compared to the steam-filled bathroom. Goosebumps raised on my skin as I hurried to find something to pull on. I emerged into the hall in the ensemble I had used as pajamas for years, a band t-shirt and shorts. The air outside might be cooling, but Hadley kept it freezing in the house, and I had to rub my hands up and down my arms to acquire some heat from the friction.

The wood floor was smooth under my bare feet. I walked the few feet to the living room slowly, listening to Hadley speak to her mother. It had taken us longer than I thought to walk home, for me to make that great discovery. It was some time after eleven now. Daniel would be soundly asleep in Hadley's room. I wondered mildly why her mom was still here so late. It didn't bother me, though. Company was always nice. I turned the corner through the doorway, my foot meeting carpet. Hadley's smug smile filled my gaze.

"Look who got here just fine," she almost sang. She lay her hand on Jack's shoulder, who was closest to her on the couch. Beside him sat Rian. Alex was sprawled on the floor in front of the TV like he owned the place, and Zack occupied my favorite chair.

A few thoughts ran through my mind. I noted that they had changed and gotten here rather quickly. I cursed that fact next. I cursed that they were here altogether. Couldn't I be right about anything today? My mind ran ahead again to scream at me. I wished terribly that I had thought of this outcome and considered putting something else on, even if they had seen me like this a million times. Or at least drying my hair so I didn't look like a drowned rat. It would have been extremely pleasant to have some time to run back to my room to tear things off the walls, throw CDs and old pictures under the bed where they would never be found again.

Nothing came out of my mouth. Anything I thought up, which mostly consisted of the thoughts in those first seconds, just wasn't sensible. They would think I had lost my mind -literally- since they had last talked to me. Especially after the scene just hours before.

Hadley seemed to notice my speechless state. "I was just going to ask the guys if they wanted anything to drink," she said, looking at me pointedly. "I'm bushed. Why don't you go ahead and get them something," she suggested.

Her use of old-time phrases was starting to make me want to strangle her. I couldn't really do such or even glare at her in present company. So I just swallowed my rude comments and went to the kitchen.

"Red wine, please!" I heard Alex's voice insist.

He was the only one that showed a preference.

I filled one of the only two wine glasses we had halfway, surprised to have found wine at all. I set it aside to get down five coffee cups before brewing a new pot of coffee. Normal people would have taken this time to go see their guests, mingle until their drinks were ready. Of course, they also would have managed out some kind of greeting and been happy. I had always known I wasn't quite normal.

I slumped in a chair at the table. It was a close fit in here, the only communal room of the apartment that was tiny. It felt as crowded as my mind. I hated this day and I hated my best friend. She couldn't have planned it better herself.

After I had gotten over what I had done -leaving Jack without a word of where I was going or that we were even breaking up- I had really planned on never talking to them again. I had seen them, a thousand times, surely. And that was how I had wanted it to stay. To have them none the wiser that I was within the same building as them.

They were all talking in the other room. I heard Hadley protest something, and thought it was just to something said since she laughed it off. The sound of someone's sock-covered feet shuffling against the carpet was coming toward the kitchen. I thought it was her, coming to check on me. I got up to check the coffee, pretending to do something so she couldn't scold me. I grabbed the pot, pouring the steaming liquid into the awaiting cups. I gathered them all together with difficulty into my hands. When I turned to tell Hadley I had it covered, they nearly slipped from my fingers. Jack stood in front of me, a small but hurt smile on his lips.