Phrases Left On Paper

The ringing of my phone was relentless. It was the same two songs, the same two people calling over and over. I could hear it, thrown underneath my bed where it had been since I'd fallen into the bed. The only reason I wasn't answering these two persistent people was because I was sleeping. I reassured myself over and over that it had nothing to do with the fact that I knew who both were. Eventually, it was only one song playing at constant intervals. Only one person interrupting the nap that I more than needed after the morning I had gone through. So even my best friend gave up after I ignored the calls for a few hours.

My mouth was dry when I finally woke after a decent amount of constant sleep. I ran a hand through my hair as I yawned, and pushed out of the bed. After retrieving my phone from underneath it, I shuffled out to the kitchen. The sun was still in the sky, but I could tell it was getting ready to set and it would soon be time to go right back to bed. I had spent a long time with Jack and even longer sleeping. Until I had reached my apartment again, I hadn't realized how much sleep I had lost over the week thinking I was pregnant. I was overjoyed to get it back and smiled to myself as I poured a cup of coffee.

Dialing Hadley's number with the hand that didn't contain my precious caffeine, I sat at the table. It only rang once before she was on the line, questioning me so frantically that I couldn't even understand her. I chuckled with a shake of my head, asking her to slow down. She would expect a real answer for her babbling if I didn't stop her now and get a real language from her. I sipped my coffee, savoring the bitterness as it woke me up. "Okay. Rewind, play," I told her when she had quieted.

Hadley took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. She was either preparing to go back to her quick speaking or to tell me good news. I prayed it wouldn't be the former. "I would love to sit here and ask what happened today. Because I ran into Jack and he told me you had been with Alex this morning," she informed me, clearly suppressing her excitement about that whole situation while the elation about what she was about to tell me shined through. "But first I have to tell you. We found a house!" she exclaimed.

"No way!" I yelled, nearly spilling my coffee in my lap as I quickly sat up in surprise. I felt like I had gone through a lot to get it though, so I caught myself and set the mug on the table. "Where at? Is it nice?" I began questioning. It was certainly my turn, especially if she was going to get to interrogate me later. Maybe she would forget all the things she wanted to ask me if I kept her talking long enough. That was something I would always hope for when my news was terrible compared to that of anyone else.

She told me everything about her soon to be new residence. Every detail about each room, even including some of the same things Daniel had pointed out to me when I had went along to look at houses with them. It wasn't so close that I could walk but it wasn't a grueling drive. She mentioned that it was small but didn't complain about the size, instead raving about how it was all perfect. I felt like she could go on about it forever, and I was perfectly fine with that. It had been so long since I had been truly happy, and listening to her be so ecstatic made me feel much better.

"You've got to come see it," she declared when she had gushed about everything at least twice. I could hear her walking around, probably too delighted to sit still while we talked. "I'll get you tomorrow and we'll go over. You'll love it," she vowed, and it was apparent she had a large, mischievous grin on her face. That was her, always planning, always thinking of things that I thought were going to ruin my life.

My eyes narrowed and, deciding that I didn't want to know her plans just yet, took another gulp of coffee. That tone was never a good one in my mind. But I could tiptoe around it well. "Why not right now? Seems like just as good a time as any," I pointed out. I could act naive even better. It was ridiculous, I was always willing to admit.

"Clarke Elizabeth, don't you play coy with me," she demanded. "What went down today? Why were you with Alex? Did you take my advice? Are you pregnant?"

I hadn't been informed we had switched to twenty questions. Her desperation had me answering though. "Yes, Hadley Shannon, I took your advice. I showed up there this morning, I peed on some sticks that we bought together, we found out that all of our precautions are well worth it even when it's in the backseat of a car. Even though I am not pregnant, we seemed almost determined to get the situation back," I told her. Summarizing seemed to be the best course to getting all the information to her. Otherwise, I was sure I could have been giving details well into the night. It would be a miracle if she didn't question each thing I said the moment I was finished speaking anyway.

"Oh, Jesus," she sighed, and then giggled. "How did you stop it? Why I think is the more important question."

I rolled my eyes. I refused to answer the latter right now. "I told him I needed to bring Jack's car back, and then I kissed him and bolted. That could possibly be why he called me almost as much as you did," I speculated, suddenly putting thought into it. It hadn't been that important until I thought about him again. My gut was telling me that I wanted to see him again.

Hadley gasped. "Why are you talking to me and not getting over there right now?" she sputtered.

"It's not like I can just walk over there and be there by tonight." I was genuinely upset by this fact. This no car thing was hindering me so much more than it had in New York.

"Ugh! I'll be there in five minutes. Marsh has Daniel anyway and I need to get out of this room. Don't expect me to go back to Alex's tonight just to pick you up." With that, she hung up on me.

I didn't waste any time staring at my phone in awe. That was how Hadley was and I had gotten used to it over the years. I was nervous though, more than I had been during this week filled with paranoia. I couldn't imagine what I looked like, having just woken from such a rough sleep. How often did I care about my appearance? With the little time I had, I was really starting to worry about it. There wasn't much that could be done before Hadley was outside, beeping her horn incessantly.

I hastily got into her passenger seat, blowing hair out of my face. "Did you speed or something?" I asked, already fearing for my life before I even got to my destination.

She shrugged, turning to me with a grin. "I'm going to turn into the demanding, slightly bitchy girl that I was when I was pregnant and ask you to give me nothing but directions and a complete rundown of everything that happened this morning," she said with a pointed tone.

I sighed. I was beginning to think that my naivety was more than just an act. I was always under the impression that I got away with the bare minimum and then got stuck with telling the whole story. After relaying the few directions, I told her everything as she had asked. Most of our rides these days were turning into tellings of all my misfortunes. It took its toll on me each time, having to remember all the things that made me miserable. I didn't want to relive the girl I found Alex with or how I had run out of there so we couldn't talk about our problems. I had to though, letting my best friend know all that had happened.

Hadley didn't seem to know what to say, and I didn't really blame her. She just shook her head with a mumbled jeez. I wouldn't ask for anymore support than this. I didn't even know how to comfort myself with all of these problems. She wished me good luck once we had arrived at Alex and Rian's and squeezed me in a hug before I slipped out. I walked the few inches to the yard and stood there to watch her drive off, back to her son and the man that would be her husband one day. Buying more time was only one of my goals as I thought of how her future was very nearly worked out for her.

I wanted to wait outside, spend some time on the front lawn to enjoy the summer air. It had been forever since I had been able to take advantage of a warm, star-filled night. I was sick of my habits though, sick of always trying to will things away. If I didn't step up and stop being gutless now, then when would I? Or would there ever be a time for me to break out of this stage? The answer to that seemed plainly obvious. If I didn't present all my worries to Alex tonight, then I would never get another chance and I would forever be irresolute. So with that thought in mind, I walked purposefully to the front door like -and unlike- I had so many times before.

He answered the door after only a few seconds, a radical change from this morning. The sight of him didn't change anything in me. I wished that it would halt my fears, make my brain stop in its tracks. He was always able to do that. And yet, I was still a mess, if only slightly more content with him being near. We didn't say anything. He just stepped aside to let me through and let the door shut behind me. Awkwardly standing there seemed to be our best means of communication for quite a while.

"I'm sorry I ran out earlier… again. I really didn't think things needed to be forgotten so easily," I mumbled, looking the other way. I could feel his eyes on me, questioning me without words. "I think we need to talk. And I'm more than glad to know now why the other night happened. But don't you agree that we need to discuss why we broke up?" I emphasized. It couldn't be on only my mind.

"Then why didn't you stay, Clarke? Talking it out then would have been just as easy as it is now," he pointed out, his voice raising slightly. Anger was a tough emotion for him to deal with. He obviously didn't like to have to use it now.

I snorted involuntarily, but hoped it would ease the tension. "The direction we were headed, do you really believe we would have been able to simply stop and sit in the same room together to have a chat about our relationship problems?"

He smiled, showing off his teeth. "Well, I guess that's true," he admitted. He moved toward me, reaching out to take my hand. "But I don't think anyone would blame us." He leaned down, attempting to connect our lips.

Finally and for once, my mind was clear. I pushed him away, taking a step back myself. "I hate how you do that! Kissing me right now is going to cause the complete opposite of what I want! I hate that you try to fix everything with sex!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands up. I inched back even more, not wanting to take any chances with my lust or anger.

"Oh, so we're going to play it that way?" he questioned, his own frustration seeping through. He pulled his beanie off, ruffling the back of his hair. "I hate that you make all these assumptions. All the negative inferences. I hate that you always expect the worst out of every single thing in your life," he retaliated.

I didn't feel the sting of this. I was already on to my next point. "I hate that you need everything to revolve around you. You admit to being arrogant, but you don't do a damn thing about it," I yelled. This was out of hand. How had we even gotten to this position?

"I hate that you don't ever take my advice. Whether it's good for you or not. You've always got to do the thing you think is right, and it always ends up destroying you," he shot, his eyes narrowing, face scrunching up as he gestured to my obviously disheveled state.

My own eyes widened. "I hate that you think that I should do everything you say just because I'm in love with you." He opened his mouth, his eyes softening. I didn't care what he had to say. "What else do you hate about me, Alex? Do you hate the fact that your best friend has seen me naked? That I wouldn't come on the fall tour so I could dedicate my time to school, which got me back to Maryland? That I was almost pregnant with your child?" I guessed, close to seething now. Again, he was prepared to speak. I refused to let him just yet. "You know what I absolutely hate, Alexander? I hate that you love me because I was never meant to be loved." The final break.

Alex didn't try to say anything this time. He stared at me, his expression purely one of shock. He stepped toward me again and I didn't resist this time when his arms went around me. He smoothed my hair, kissing the top of my head with a sigh. "That's not true at all, Clarke. Everyone is meant to be love, and I fucking love you. There is no question about that," he told me, and held me a few inches away so he could look me in the eye.

The way my body was working tonight, I was continuously surprising myself. I wanted to cry, or at least thought crying would be the appropriate thing to do. And yet, I couldn't even force tears from my eyes. From Alex's point of view, they would just be sapphires, dull from the night's events, staring right back into his chocolate irises. "But it's a statement that I question every time it's brought back to my attention. I don't ever understand how you -or anyone, for that matter- could ever love a shrew like me," I said.

He cringed, brought back to the day he had used that exact word to describe me. He leaned forward, kissing my forehead and I knew it was his apology. This would always be better than words. "I don't think it's something you're supposed to understand. No one's supposed to know the reason why someone else loves them," he stated when he pulled away. "I just love you. Hadley loves you. Daniel loves you. Rian, Jack, Zack, Matt, Dorl, Vinny," he chuckled as he attempted to get all the names out, giving up," love you. And me -I mentioned me, right?- I won't ever not love you, Clarke."

My lips were upturned in a smile before I even thought about it. I took his hands from my arms, holding them in my own and closing the distance between us. I reached up to press my lips to his, needing to kiss him now more than ever. I was filled with joy at what he had told me, never expecting to hear anything like it.

He held me to him, his hands locked behind my back. I didn't struggle, wasn't angry like I had spent so long being. Leaning against his chest, I listened to our breathing and his beating heart reverberating in my ears. Everything was almost unbearably quiet. But I wasn't alone now and the silence didn't make a dent in my mood. I was with Alex and that was all I could really ask for, even when I was trying to tell myself that I no longer wanted him. He seemed to be just as content, his face pressed to my hair, his lips puckering and leaving pressure every once in a while.

Eventually though, it was remembered that we couldn't be like this. Not yet, at least. There were things that needed to be said and problems that needed to be solved. With a tiny sigh, he pulled from me and took my hand to tow me through the house. The dogs that I hadn't noticed were watching us the whole time followed us to the back door. They watched us through the glass when Alex pulled me outside and into a lounge chair. He sat behind me with me between his legs, his arms wrapped around my waist. I worked my fingers into his so that nothing went undone.

"Too tempting?" Alex smirked when I turned my head to face him. I smiled, my eyes shifting away from him as I blushed and shook my head. "Good. So should we start off with me apologizing or do we want to relive that day first?" he inquired.

"I think we both need to apologize," I answered. "But unfortunately, yes, I believe it needs to be at least perused," I told him a bit reluctantly.

He nodded, having no problem getting right to the point. "I shouldn't have suggested that you give up everything to be with me. But I think it was interpreted wrong. Or I misspoke. Either way, I did not mean that I was more important than your education or your will to make it on your own," he explained.

I leaned my head back against his shoulder to let him know that I wasn't angry. "I overreacted. Misinterpretation is probably the best way to describe it. You were right though. I should have taken time to relax. To be with you while I figured out all the things I could do with my life. So, I'm sorry. So much more than you know. Because as I sat there and watched you guys play last month, I realized I should have accepted," I admitted, looking down at our hands, playing with his fingers.

He leaned his head around my shoulder, kissing the corner of my lips. I turned to him just in time to catch him before he pulled away completely. My left hand disappeared from his and my other and my fingers ran through his hair when it found him again. "I'm sorry," he whispered, putting a bit of space between our faces, staring me in the eye.

It was my turn to sigh, just not in the negative emotions that had been acquired for all of our sighs tonight. "I think this was all good enough. It's possibly time to move on and forget about it," I suggested, yet still a bit unsurely as I faced forward and let my head rest on his shoulder again. He kissed my cheek, letting me know that forgiving and forgetting was just fine with him. "But for now, can we just stargaze?"

Alex took my hands again and laced our fingers, palms to knuckles. He leaned his own head back, staring at the clear sky. The stars were just pinpricks against a perfect, black, velvet backdrop. This was all I had wanted to do tonight. To stall but to enjoy. Now things were back to beyond good with Alex and we got to do it together. Stalling be damned from now on.