Phrases Left On Paper

The room was brilliantly lit, the sun streaming through each window placed on the walls. I was lying on my stomach, my arms shoved under the pillow beneath my head and my feet the only part of my body under the sheets. Bathed in sunlight, I was warm. Being in this bed, I was warmer. The end of the bed sank under new weight, just beside my covered feet. Alex place his hands on either side of my legs, leaning down to kiss each of my calves. His hands found the same points then and ran up the entire length of my body. His fingers slipped under my shirt, resting on either side of my torso.

I smiled and turned to be met with his lips on mine immediately. He lay next to me, his hands moving my head so I was forced to continue kissing him. I had no problem with this demand through gestures. When we pulled away from each other, we didn't move. It was a moment, one of those tacky instances that are the highlight of romantic comedies. I don't think either of us noticed at the time and if we did, it was pushed to the back of our minds. Time together was all we needed, and had been the simple problem to begin with. More and more realizations came about that made me regret my freak out.

Things weren't perfect. It had only been a few hours. There was no way to make them perfect so quickly. Perfection didn't exist anyway, especially not with the two of us. Alex and I were out of the ordinary and nothing could be done to reach idealism. That was the way things were meant to be anyway. As long as we kept each other and ourselves in check, then it would all be okay.

He leaned over to kiss me again before rolling over to stare at the ceiling. His reached out and found my hand, and he laced our fingers. "I hate that we're back together now," he sighed, studying the blank plaster above him.

Automatically, my eyes narrowed and my face got hot as my anger took over. Was I getting in the way of some big plans? Did he have a big date tonight that he wanted to make sure still happened before he had to go back to me? I made myself calm down though. Overreaction. Assumption. Telling myself that this was exactly what it was all it took to restrain myself. "Why?" I questioned, my voice not rising, not angry. I was proud of myself.

He turned his head to me with a frown. His short hair wasn't able to splay across the pillow like it used to, so it was almost a different image of one I was used to. I couldn't keep myself from reaching out and running my fingers through his bangs to push them back so they made some semblance of that image. That had him smirking. "Because I love you," he answered, taking my hand before I could pull it back and kissed each fingertip. "And we're leaving for tour again so soon. After this week, we'll only be home for like three days. I don't think you'll want to fly out to California to sit with us while we finish the record," he said, a bit melancholy.

I slid closer to him while I shrugged. "You never know. Who's to say I won't miss you enough that I'll act on a whim?" I bargained. I threw my leg over him with a wink and giggled. Being back here, acting like this again. It made me too giddy for anyone's own good. But I loved it, like I would always love the way he made me feel.

Alex ran his hand down that leg, letting it rest on my knee. "Would you?" he asked hopefully. His smile was wide, encouraging me to say yes with no second thought. It had the power to clear my mind for a second, almost want to agree and not have to think of any of the consequences.

"Would I miss you enough? Definitely," I answered. It was almost as if that didn't need to be said. Even when I hated him, I still missed him enough to want to be near him. "Would I get on a plane last minute to be with you and the guys?" I hesitated, actually thinking my question out. It was amazing to take the time to be rational. "If I could, I think you know I would. Even if I had the money to do something like that though, don't you think it would be a little crazy for someone like me?" I reminded, my voice lowering when I thought of how boring I was.

He kissed me before saying anything. "It can be you. You're not as boring as you think. And, please don't kill me for suggesting once again, but if you want to come see us, see me," he corrected, making sure I understood thoroughly, "there is no problem with getting you there. You've never thought it, but you're worth it. Not to be redundant, but I love you."

I blushed, pushing my face into his chest so he couldn't see. I wasn't angry for this suggestion, either. The rationalization I was putting myself through was more than helping with my often lost temper. I couldn't say I would ever be brave enough to take the offer, but I loved him a little more for making it. Just knowing that the option was there to go see him anytime in the next few weeks while he was in the states was somehow comforting.

We didn't leave the bed most of the day, getting our fill of time together. Making up for the past months, preparing for what wouldn't be in the next weeks. Eventually though, Hadley called to remind me that she wanted to drag me to look at her house. I had to remind myself that I had been excited yesterday. It was hard with Alex trying to pull the phone away as he kissed my neck the entire time I conversed with her. Even though she had been determined to get him and I back together by stranding me here, she seemed even more inclined to get me to go with her. So she suggested Alex come too so she could stop competing and losing. Without really wanting to, we got dressed, fearing only that my best friend may end us.

We spent the entire day with Hadley, Marshall, and Daniel. I would have loved to take in all the great things they were experiencing, actually see their new home. But it was tough concentrating when I remembered that I was no longer alone myself. And I simply couldn't forget with Alex's hand in mine. I couldn't keep myself from such radically blissful emotions. It was such a change, and a change I could tell everyone enjoyed to see happen. I hadn't realized how stressed I had made everyone else with the bout of depression I put myself through.

Daniel was thrilled to see Alex again, and the little boy towed the two of us around the house more than his mother did. His odd observations were well complimented by Alex. I couldn't keep the smile off my face while they conversed, exaggerating some of the most overlooked things. More than once, Hadley would elbow me. I wasn't sure if she was trying to get my attention or just point the two of them out to me, saying she was glad they got along so well. Or maybe it was as if to say that things would have been okay if those tests hadn't been negative.

It felt late and as if the smile on my lips was painfully permanent when we finally split from the three of them. I opened the door to my apartment minutes later, embarrassed by its few contents. Alex wrapped his arms around my waist, kicking the door shut behind him. I could tell he was taking a look around, noticing all the things I hated about this place.

"Can we at least get you a couch?" he questioned with a smirk, and pulled me around to face him.

Finally, I let out a chuckle in relief. I put my arms around him, nodding. "Sounds like a good idea. At least to look," I replied, and reached up with my lips already puckered.

He had no problem with obliging.

Things like this had been missed. Spending time with friends, laughing about simple things. We were able to lie in bed and talk for hours, speak of all the things we loved. Things that had happened while we were apart, what would have been discussed that last day if those few minutes on the sidewalk had never happened. We were allowed to be a couple for what seemed the first time in four years. Though I knew it wasn't, it was certainly one of the best times.

Alex's head was on my stomach, his smile wide as he looked up at me. My fingers were in his hair, twisting and massaging as we joked around. We laughed at each anecdote told, each ridiculous story from the past, together and apart. His were more elaborate and contained a slew of people I had never met. I kept up though, remembering names and details. Most of my stories involved an infant Daniel throwing up in Hadley's lap or playing in the toilet. But Alex still laughed, was still interested in the words leaving my mouth.

He rolled onto his side after a few silent minutes. He took the hand that had been resting on his scalp and held it in both of his. I smirked down at him, wondering what he was thinking as he studied my chewed down nails with the chipped nail polish. Things like these were usually what I tried to hide from everyone. No one really thought highly of these habits. The need to conceal them from him just wasn't strong. I knew he would look passed it and find something to like.

"So," he said, looking up at me. His gaze was soft, always the way he stared at me when things weren't so strained. It made me uncomfortable, but in an amazingly good way. I was blushing again when he continued. "We yelled about all the things we didn't like about each other last night," he stated, seeming a bit hesitant with getting it out.

I nodded, my forehead wrinkling in confusion. Worry always overtook my body when he acted this way. "Yes, we did," I responded. I wanted to sit up, make him do the same in case this discussion took a turn for the worse. I didn't exactly want him to move though. I was too comfortable with where we were. The assumption wasn't needed anyway. This couldn't be a bad thing, and I made myself believe it.

Alex turned away again, facing the ceiling but lifting my hand above his face to look at instead. "It helped, didn't it?" he inquired, peeking at me from the corner of his eye. He didn't wait for an answer though, going on with his point. "Well, let's try again. But forget all the negative shit. There's been enough pessimism between us." He sat up, spinning around with his legs crossed to face me. He was still close enough that his jeans brushed the bare skin of my lower legs.

Slowly, I pushed myself to sit up straight against the wall. Nervous wasn't something I was anymore. If he wanted to forget all of the bad things in our relationship, then what he wanted to discuss now had nothing to do with it. If it did, then it was only going to be the opposite of it. I pulled one of my own legs under me, leaving the other straight out. He didn't seem to like the fact that we were no longer in physical contact, and he moved even closer so he could rest my leg in his lap. Though I hadn't noticed the anxiety it caused me not to have us touching after not being together for so long, I did realize when it went away.

"You were too far away," he smirked. At least I wasn't a psycho, being the only one feeling that way. He closed his eyes for a moment, leaning his head back in clear thought. When he faced me again, it was quick and he was spitting out whatever had run through his head. "I love that you don't care. You were able to leave my house this morning with no makeup and in the same clothes you wore yesterday and had slept in before even coming over. I'm sure you thought that kind of thing would turn me off however long ago, huh?" He winked, remembering. "I love how worried you get about everyone, what may be going on with them if you go too long without talking to them. The way your eyes sparkle like jewels when you're ecstatic. How your hair curls into perfect ringlets when you get out of the shower. Your facial expressions. Your hand in mine." He could go on for days, something in his eyes told me this. Having said the things he needed, he moved against the wall with me.

I didn't want it to be my turn. The details I loved about him were all right there at the forefront of my mind. But I knew it would be hard to say, my timid side taking over despite all I had done to rid of it today. Alex took my hand though, and I didn't need much more encouragement. "I love the way you can control a crowd with no effort. How your hair looks when you get off the stage, and how happy you are at that same moment. The way you interact with your best friends and still love them after so many years together. The big words you use that I sometimes don't even understand. How you can dedicate so much time to Bazz and Peyton. Those caterpillar eyebrows of yours," I smiled as I reached out to trace them. He smiled back, taking my hand and pressing it to his cheek. "You wanna know what I love most?" I asked.

Alex's smile grew and he leaned closer, making us only centimeters apart. "That I love you?" he guessed, his breath caressing my lips. I nodded, and he immediately pulled me to him the rest of the way to connect our lips.

Kissing and talking and loving. This was how we spent the rest of the night, even after we went back to his house. We were up half the night, watching movies and playing with the dogs. I had to work in the morning, but I simply didn't care. I was throwing things that I had stuck to so strongly that we had fought out the window. If it felt right to lose sleep to spend this time with Alex, then it was right. We were getting to be two kids again, in love and irresponsible. We were going to live it up while we could.