Phrases Left On Paper

The three boys were still in the same spots they had been when I had walked Jack to my room what felt like forever ago. Hadley and Jack took their original seats, easily joining back in. I took a second to look around the room, looking for a place to sit. No one noticed me, offering to get up so I could sit. I didn't expect it out of the boys, our guests. From Hadley, only slightly. I definitely didn't want her seat now though. Eventually, I shuffled over to the couch and tucked myself against Hadley's section once I had slid down to the floor. As small as I made myself, my toes were feet rather than inches from Alex's leg.

They were all chattering endlessly, however many conversations merging into one. If I had actually been paying attention to what was being discussed, there still wouldn't have been a break for me to add anything. My eyes were fixed on the clock on the television, attempting to force it to move faster. If it got to be late enough, they would have to leave. Hadley didn't like to wake up late. She wouldn't be able to stand it if she got no sleep for this. Of course, she may be perfectly fine with waking up late with as happy as she was at the moment. I hoped those giggles didn't carry over into the morning.

I ran my fingers through the blonde locks sprouting from my scalp. I thought idly how I was bored of the color, sick of the upkeep to my roots that it took every few weeks. It would have to change again sometime soon. The space in my brain seemed almost infinite now that I had cleared it after the talk with Jack. I was able to think of that, my hair, my obvious failure as a superhuman, and way too much more. It was a miracle I was able to handle it all. Everything floated around as if they were actual objects, bouncing around my skull and giving me a headache.

"Clarke," several voices were saying, one or two even shouting. It was the yelling that had caught my attention.

I blinked and shook my head. The deja vu that had taken over was nauseating. Automatically, I prepared to scold them for being loud. They would wake Daniel if they weren't careful. I rethought quickly, remembering there were still three of four of them that had no idea that a toddler slept soundly in this apartment. Hadley surely was already going to kill me for letting Jack find out about the little boy, even if it had been an accident. "Sorry, I dazed," I spit out so they would stop trying to get my attention.

Hadley giggled at me, patting my shoulder. For saving me from the awkward and painful situation with Jack down the hall, she was being awfully annoying. Then I remembered that I hadn't been too pleased with her before that ordeal. "It would be easier for you to recount how things have been going with you. I'm not a psychic. Plus you hate when I answer for you," she added in a low aside.

I mentally questioned if she and Alex were sharing the wine. It didn't take much to get her drunk anymore, and she surely seemed it. They were all staring at me, waiting for my response. Maybe for me to turn back into the girl they remembered. I hoped desperately that they wouldn't be around long enough to find out that girl was hiding again. I definitely didn't want them to be around for any length of time, in fear that they would make her come out again.

My throat cleared, and I realized I was getting ready to actually say something. My body did so much without my conscious consent when I was nervous. "Just school. I've been going to school, spending time here," I answered, averting my eyes from Alex who was the only one I could see. I could still tell he was looking at me, trying to figure out what had happened to me.

I wanted that to be the end of it. How much more did they really need to know? We hadn't been friends, sharing lives and secrets, for so long. I figured they could deal with it being that simple of an answer. In depth would have been too much for even Hadley to hear.

"Come on, now!" Zack exclaimed. "You live in New York City. You can't tell me you don't do anything exciting. I live in California now," he announced, shocking me but not letting me branch off to talk about it instead, "and I doubt that it's even half as thrilling as the city that never sleeps." I could tell he was leaning forward on the chair, preparing for me to blow him away with something he thought was going to be fantastic.

The whole situation was making me angry. If this had been when the two of us had known each other so well, he would have worried about getting smacked. Finally, I turned to look at him. "Well, I have a job. Hadley forces a social life on me. Do you really want more just because of the city I moved to, specifically to go to school?" I couldn't fume here, not now. I had looked like a psycho in public, in front of strangers and them, before. It felt wrong now that they were the strangers.

I planted my palms against the couch behind me, pushing myself to stand. Taking deep a breath to make sure I wouldn't scream, I began to make my way to the hall. "I have class in the morning. So I'll... see you guys later?" The statement turned to a question so easily. I didn't want to see them again -in any way this time- but I couldn't be rude, either. "Goodnight, guys." I threw a meek smile back at them briefly, knowing that it wasn't much of an attempt, before disappearing down the hall. My feet carried me as quickly as my shaking legs would allow into the room at the end.

I fought the urge to slide down against the door once it was closed behind me. Those boys were not worth another breakdown in a lifetime. I burrowed into the blankets on my bed, avoiding any spot that may hold Jack's cologne. The light was off, but I knew sleep wouldn't come. I cuddled into the soft nest and watched the city outside my window, listening to the conversations still continuing in the living room.

I shouldn't have let them affect me as much as they did. And I was close to positive that things would have been different with the rest of them had I not had to deal with Jack before I even got a chance to come to terms with the fact that they were all here. It was hard not to dwell on what had just been discussed in this room. But I knew it was necessary to forget if I ever wanted to move on again. I wouldn't allow him -or any of them- to walk back into my life just to hurt me. The rest of them would never get that chance, I vowed determinedly.

The front door closed and I noticed the talking had finally ceased. Light footsteps came down the hall and I knew that Hadley was going to sleep now, too. I paid close attention to the visible sidewalk across the street, waiting for the four skinny, tall boys to appear, walking down the street. I watched them all cross the lanes one-by-one before rolling over to face the door. The clock on the nightstand read ten after two. My eyes widened at the amount of time I had spent in here already. As it was, I was going to be dead for my nine o'clock class, so I closed my eyes and willed sleep to come.

________________________________________________

The consistent pounding woke me up. I wanted my eyes to snap open, to find the source of the annoyance. They opened slowly though, squinting between the rapid blinking. When I was fully aware of what was going on, I realized that Hadley slamming her fist against the door was not the only sound reverberating in my room. The alarm clock was going off, seeming to blare louder than it usually did. This was surely what had my best friend knocking and also yelling at me. All of this was underlined by a quieter pounding on the lower part of the door.

I threw the blankets off, pushing myself up. The door was open before I reached it, Hadley and Daniel both standing behind it with wide grins. The small boy entered the room and attached himself to my left leg. Hadley walked passed the two of us and turned the clock off so she didn't freak out any further.

"Really? Was the wake up call needed?" I questioned and lifted Daniel up to settle on my hip. I carried him to the closet to let him pick out something for me to wear.

"You're going to give him a complex. He's going to want to constantly dress me," she declared. She sat on the bed, staring at me. "It was necessary, by the way. That's been going off for a half hour. Better start booking it."

I shook my head at her first comment, choosing to not reply. I moved right along to the main subject. "Unlike you, sweetie, I don't set my alarm for when I have to be where I'm going. I have at least an hour," I told her matter-of-factly. I was always very smug about our differences in precision when it came to being on time. Daniel began to tug on sleeve of my shirt and I realized he had pulled a sweater from the closet for me. Taking the hanger from his tiny hand, I kissed his forehead and laughed with him.

Hadley had a playful glare in her eyes when I turned back around. Her hands were held out after a few seconds for her son and she was already smiling again. "Well, missy. I still get up on time." She eyed me mockingly as I set Daniel on the floor and let him go to her.

I didn't respond to that. My mind had been working too hard for me to sleep. I had woken up several times in the night, the newest dream from each minuscule slumber still fresh. They were all too vivid and more than once, had me awaking in tears. They were all memories brought to the surface by last night's guests, and that was all that much more horrible. So I definitely had my reasons for not waking at the snap of some fingers. Or more appropriately, the too loud sound of a ringing alarm clock.

I shook my head slightly as a reply to her, pulling the yellow sweater from the hanger and continuing to get ready. She sighed softly, seeing how I was upset. The problem was, I never wanted to explain this to her. Never planned on letting her into the little world of feelings I had locked up when we settled into New York. When we were making our plans to come here, I didn't voice my sorrow, I didn't vent my indignation. My best friend, just like everyone else, didn't know how torn up I had been. She obviously wouldn't get that I didn't like four certain boys being less than fifty feet near me.

I walked passed her, heading for the bathroom. It was more than to just get ready now. I needed to get away from her before a breakdown ensued. Of course, she was probably going to cause it to happen one way or another.

"What did you and Jack talk about?" Hadley asked suddenly, making me stop in my tracks. Her eyes were looking down when I turned my face back to her. "I mean, I wouldn't ask if I didn't think you guys weren't talking last night. You were just in here for so long. And I know you're not the type to do something provocative just because you're emotionally distressed."

This was nothing I wanted to talk about. Not here and not when I had just woken up from a sleepless night because of what Jack and I had discussed. "Why don't we go get coffee?" I suggested. I didn't wait for an answer. The door was closed behind me before she even had time to think about it.

The two of them were gone by the time I emerged again, fully ready for the day. I wanted to linger in my room so that maybe I wouldn't have enough time to go with Hadley. But even then, she would push for me to meet her after my class. I headed down the hall, hearing the TV blasting cartoons in the living room. Hadley was on the couch, her jacket already on.

"Are you going to bring him?" I asked quietly as if there were actually a choice, pulling my own jacket from the hook. My arms were fitted into the sleeves before she answered.

She nodded, "Yeah. We're going to the park after. He just wouldn't put his coat on." Her tone was just as unpleasant and upset as it had been in my room. I wanted to be angry with her for being angry with me. She had no reason to be yet.

Instead, I rolled my eyes to suppress it and headed out the door. I heard her following behind me; the television shut off and her footsteps came close to my own. We didn't say a word to each other the entire block to the coffee shop, the only sound being Daniel marveling at the pigeons and blue sky. If there weren't a thousand people on the sidewalk with us to keep it invisible, the thick tension between us could have formed a solid wall.

The bell above the glass-plated door jingled as I entered it. All the usual people filled the little shop, occupying seats all around. I asked Hadley what she wanted, telling her to find a seat and I'd get her order for her. Nothing worked better to cheer her up than to pay for her drink. Minutes later, I was pacing to our table with three paper cups balanced in my hands, one holding milk for Daniel.

"You didn't have to do that," she insisted as I sat down, pushing two of the cups toward her.

I only shrugged, not really knowing or caring which she was talking about.

"He might not even drink it," she told me, wanting anything that would make it easier to be so upset. Daniel promptly contradicted her by grabbing the little cup and drinking from it. I grinned at him for doing so.

Once again, it was quiet between us. There were obviously things we both wanted to say, the same things, but neither of us seemed to have the courage to start. Maybe we didn't have the courage, but I needed to have the strength. So I began.

I told her everything. Every single emotion I had secretly kept hidden away about those boys since they had left me, since I had left them. How last night had thrown me into a loop that I was still searching for a map to get myself out of. I told her every word Jack uttered and every word I divulged back to him. The entire exchange hung in the air between us as I finished. The exertion it had taken me had me suddenly tired again, longing for the sleep I had lost once again over these boys.

Hadley had listened with patience, holding Daniel still on her knee. Her eyes were filled with anguish and only grew sadder as I continued. I had kept all this from her, but she still understood as much as if she had gotten it all while it happened. So it surprised me when she spoke the next words out of her mouth.

"They took a train back to Maryland this morning," she informed me, her head down as she watched her son. It usually meant something horrible when she avoided looking me straight in the eye, but I didn't understand it this time.

I sighed in relief at misreading her, hoping that would be the end of it. The end of having to deal with these boys. I would never have to see them again. They wouldn't get another chance to make me loose sleep, to hurt me, to change anything about me. They were back in the town where we had met, and I planned on never going back there to relive those moments. Home to most of them was still Maryland, and probably would be for the rest of their lives. New York was my home now, and probably other states when I got sick of this one. I would never subject myself to the state that I had called home for eighteen years of my life.

She cleared her throat then, looking at me. Realization hit me that I hadn't misinterpreted her body language. I knew that everything I had just thought was going to be false with that sound. Something bad was going to come out of her mouth, and I was going to hate her for it. She could clearly see this in my eyes, because she cast hers down again. She didn't want to see my reaction when those words rolled off her perfectly rounded lips.

"I begged them to stay. They couldn't. ...But they're coming back next week to go out."