Phrases Left On Paper

I was meticulous about every routine I had for everyday of the week. When I had a class, I did the same things at the same times. With classes on four days out of seven, my week was pretty much always mapped out for me. It was boring and exact, and that was what I loved about this detail of my life. Eric was ruining that for me and to the extreme, no less. My head was going to explode if something wasn't fixed, and fixed soon.

It had been two weeks since I had last seem him, that night in the bar. He had escaped when I wasn't looking then and had cleverly avoided me all this time. We shared two classes a week, sitting side-by-side every time, only changing seats within the room, but he had managed to be invisible to me. My eyes caught no trace of him every time I scanned the room. Even days we wouldn't see each other under the eye of a professor, we still met up to have coffee or made plans to go out to eat. This hadn't happened in ten long days.

Just because my upset patterns were causing disruptions, it didn't mean that the majority of me cared. The cranial explosions could be lived through now that a certain group of boys was back in the picture. Though they weren't actually around, that didn't stop them from affecting my mood. And they certainly enjoyed knowing they were able to do this. Because of them, Eric was no longer a needed structure in my life. They were stoked about the absence of the tool. I couldn't say that I disagreed fully, remembering how he had acted around them.

After the grieving I had done so long ago, I really had become happy again. More than happy, even. Yet, here I was, my mood soaring passed anything it had achieved in over three years. I had made the mistake again of thinking that I could be fine with just my best friend, especially now that we lived together and not hours apart. Even as I attempted to find someone else I was content with, I thought all was okay. I hadn't found anyone because I didn't want anyone else. I was certainly through making that inadvertence.

Hadley was more pleased with me than I was. She may not have known what I went through when we came to New York, but she was convinced that she knew all along that these boys were what I needed. Oxygen was what she wanted to compare them to in my life. Clearly, she was smart enough not to say this louder than a mumble around me. Maybe I was so glad that she hadn't because I didn't want to agree out loud that she might be right.

My cell phone got a lot more use these days. It was no longer used to just find Hadley or getting missed lectures, talking with my parents or discussing with Eric where to go out. Alex called me morning, noon, and night. He called in the middle of class and while I was sleeping, though he had learned my schedule and now knew it like the back of his hand. He enjoyed making me angry -as angry as I could really get at him- as much as he liked making me smile. He loved waking me up, and even more so when I stayed up to talk to him when he knew I was dead tired and had to be up in a few short hours.

He wasn't the only one who decided to spend their time calling me. Rian was more than excited to be able to talk to me. Zack texted me so much I was sure my dirty fingerprints would never leave the screen of my phone. Matt, of course, was just behind Alex on the amount of calls. I was surprised at just how much I had missed him. Even Jack joined in the fun, becoming more and more comfortable with me being back in his life, no longer exacerbated about what I'd done.

It was nice to have my boys back.

Sleep deprivation was the only downfall to all of this vocal work I was getting. In the beginning, they had caused it by stressing me out. I couldn't shut my eyes longer than a blink without thinking about it too closely or dredging up some old memory and automatically wish I hadn't attempted sleep. It was brought to the brink the night Alex stayed. I could also thank that night for the complete one-eighty of my perspective. The reason for staying up changed, and I liked this reason. I'd ignore the lack of sleep for as long as I could, as long as I was getting my fill of these boys while doing so.

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As I almost glided down the sidewalk, weaving in and out of business men, joggers, and couples of all shapes and sizes, the phone was attached again to my too hot ear. It never had a chance to cool down anymore. Alex, like most times, was the one on the other end. He was babbling away about something. I was too busy focusing on not getting trampled that only dirty and provocative words registered in my brain. This should say something about the both of us. He was going to notice soon I wasn't paying attention and surely yell at me. That moment would just have to come. Something had caught my eye, and I was simply too preoccupied with it to worry even about the people I may run into.

The invisible boy was merely feet in front of me, claiming all of my focus, no longer able to disappear to my eyes. The only thoughts I'd had of him were to kick his ass in my head. Now that I finally saw him, I realized I should have actually thought of something to say to him. Something that would sum up all of my feelings of the past days. Sure, I had the option of running; he still hadn't seen me. But I knew that this may be the only chance I got to speak with him. I couldn't be the coward that avoided people because they were afraid to be the one to end something. I couldn't act like him.

"I mean, really. Jack thinks Bazz is the stupidest dog to ever live. As if any dog of mine could really take the gold medal in stupidity," Alex continued on his rant. The subject had changed. Or maybe not. I couldn't say since I hadn't been paying attention to him since I'd left the apartment.

I hadn't noticed my pace picking up speed. Probably because Alex had finally been able to capture my attention for a few seconds. Suddenly though, I was right on Eric's heels. My hand reached out, one finger extended, to tap him on the shoulder. I didn't expect him to wheel around. For some reason, I just hadn't foreseen him responding to someone on the street touching him. I had hoped that he wouldn't find the need to act to this gesture.

"Alex," I mumbled quickly, shrinking under the glare Eric was now placing on me. It got unbearable when he heard that one word. "Can I call you back in a while?" Maybe saying his name hadn't been the brightest idea.

The boy on the other line stopped short of his one-side conversation. "Are you okay?" he questioned, alerted by my panicked tone.

I cleared my throat to be able to sound more convincing. "I'm fine," I lied. "Just a... homeless person... coming toward me. You know my unnecessary fears. Talk to you later." I hung up before he could say anything. My excuse left more holes than expensive Swiss cheese. I didn't want his interrogation to come until later, when I'd already gone through the main horror. Maybe then I could give him a positive answer to that question.

My dark blues drifted from my thumb ending the call back up to Eric staring me down. Through his own narrowed eyes, I became aware that they were as green as the grass. It was horrible of me to not have known that before this moment. After all that time spent together, and I couldn't even tell someone what color his eyes were.

"Replaced me with your famous ex-boyfriend already?" he demanded, crossing his arms tightly over his chest.

I didn't want to do this in the middle of the sidewalk. It appeared as if I didn't have a choice. "Forget who my friends are for the duration of this conversation," I told him. Him throwing their success at me like it actually meant something to me was certainly the last thing I needed. He acted like I suddenly wanted them back for that one reason. "Alex is just that, my friend. And what's with the replacing? I can't replace you, because we weren't dating," I threw at him, wondering if he'd ever realized that.

His eyes bulged, answering my unspoken question. "Six weeks, Clarke!" he exclaimed.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. What a stupid boy. "I thought we had been on the same page when this started. I was being promiscuous, I suppose. Eric, I never wanted more than a companion to talk to and share a bed with. I was okay being friends. I didn't realize you wanted more until I saw how jealous you got around the guys. I'm sorry that you felt more strongly than I did," I said, reaching out to take his hand. I placed my other hand on top of his. "But there just isn't something like that between us. Not for me."

His face was blank. I wasn't sure if I expected anger or sadness or happiness. He wasn't giving me any of it. "Well, that sucks," he muttered after a silent minute.

"Don't get me wrong, hon," I backtracked. "You're one sexy southern man. Relationships just aren't my thing anymore." I sighed again, upset at this being brought to my attention. "You'll find someone better, someone who deserves you." A line that had been used a million times to millions of different people.

I dropped his hand and turned on my heel. The whole thing was over and done with. I didn't have to stand there to suffer through my horrible epiphany. He probably would have convinced me that we were meant to be, or some ridiculous thing like that, anyway. I don't think -with how horrible I was now feeling about myself- that I would hesitate to jump into bed with him after some sappy words left his mouth.

I had been heading to work but since I had turned to run away from Eric, I was walking back in the direction of the apartment now. With a huff, I cut across the street, nearly getting crushed by a taxi so I could be on my proper way. It would have been worth it to not have to pass Eric again. Honks came after me, followed by glares of the people around thinking I was rude. They were just going to have to keep thinking that. I was liable to freak out on them if I stopped even to return their gaze.

My phone, all but forgotten in the hand that had held Eric's, began ringing. My favorite song usually made me smile and gave me a sense of excitement now that I had reason to use it. At this moment, it just sounded shrill and annoying. I knew who it was, even before looking at the screen. I just didn't want to talk to him right now, though I thought he might make me feel better. Rather, I had thought that. I was sure speaking to him now would only emphasize why I was upset. I flipped the switch on the side to make it silent and hoped to put it off until later. Or never. Whichever came first.

I continued on to work in a daze, and it kept up through my entire shift. I didn't register the customers or staff I talked to. I didn't see any of the things I threw into bags or hung up on racks.

Maybe I should have run instead of approaching Eric, like I had thought was so terrible. At least I could have skipped this part if I'd been spineless. This wouldn't have happened at all if I'd just gone with my instinct. I didn't like when my weaknesses were pointed out to me. I was hardly ever negative anymore, and I hated when I was thrown into a situation that made me so. It produced zombie-like states like I was currently experiencing.

Once my eight hours were up, I grabbed my bag and reflexively plucked my phone from its usual spot. I should have left it, or thrown it against the wall once I held it. Fifty-eight missed calls. Alex was fifty of them, naturally. He'd gotten the others to call me, too. Hadley even tried once. And of course he didn't end there. The amount of texts almost equalled the calls and were still coming at regular intervals.

That boy was never not persistent. I should have known that he would do this. But there was always the logical sense that he should have just let me go instead of being so concerned about what was wrong with me. He had known I was going to work. It should have been enough to stop him from going crazy about how I sounded before hanging up.

As I pondered this, walking back out into the cool night, my phone went off yet again. I growled at it while flipping the silent switch again, this time making it audible. It didn't have time to screech at me; I touched the screen to answer it in the same moment.

"Sometimes, Gaskarth, you're real annoying," I told him without bothering to properly greet him. He didn't deserve it at the current time.

"Anything could have happened to you!" he yelled back, expecting it to be a good excuse.

I snorted and reminded him that I had had plans, ones much more important than talking on the phone, rendering me unable to answer the phone or call him back the moment I was done with what I'd had to do. Listening to him being so frantic about me, I became less annoyed, if I could say that I really was in the first place. It was nice to have someone care about me.

"Well, what happened before, when we were talking?" he demanded. "Don't give me bullshit about a hobo again." He acquired a stern voice, and it was easy to tell that he was trying hard to make it work.

I giggled, remembering how ridiculous that pretext had really been. I described to him the scene with Eric, how I'd come to that horrible revelation. It was awkward explaining to him that I had not been in a relationship since Jack. That the one with him and the one with his best friend were still the only two I had on my list. He seemed to understand though. He didn't say anything to contradict my assumption, anyway. I was almost home by the time I was done complaining. I couldn't wait to shed my heels and curl up in my bed to listen to him comforting me. Though I was still upset, the night turned around just because of this.

"Oh, sweetheart," Alex cooed jokingly. "It's not that relationships aren't your thing. Simply that no one is worth the try," he said. It didn't make me sound pretentious and snobby. The way he stated it just made it sound like a greatly known fact. "And he definitely was not worth the try." He said a few more things about Eric that weren't suitable for any ears to listen to.

I just let out a hard chuckle, shaking my head to myself as I unlocked the front door.

"You know what cures something like that?" he asked. He continued in the same breath, "Going on tour with your best friends."

I laughed again, a real one this time. "How many times are you going to try to persuade me?" I shot back, letting him know that my answer was still no.

This had been an on-going argument since the park. Alex was convinced that I could put everything off for a couple months. That it would all be there waiting when I got back. He wasn't giving up now, and he continued to try to influence me as I made my way to my room, taking my heels off on the way.