Australia

Joes POV

I yawned and rolled onto my back; clasping my hands together behind my head. I stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t believe that it had happened. Sam and I actually slept together; and not the “snuggle together and lay in each other’s arms all night” sleep together. I mean the “have sex and fall asleep awkwardly facing away from each other” sleep together. I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

I was Joe Jonas. I was publicly one of the poster boys for abstinence until marriage and I had destroyed that image in just a day with Sam. Maybe ‘destroyed isn’t the best word to use. Jeopardised? Yes, that’s better. But, it’s not like anyone is going to tell anybody in the public right. Sam wouldn’t tell anyone and neither would I. No one has to know; it’s our own little secret. I sighed to myself and frowned. Do I regret what Sam and I did? I’m not sure if I regret actually making love with her. I know I don’t regret doing it with her. Do I? Do I regret... no. I don’t regret having sex with Sam. Next question brain. Do I regret having sex at all? That answers simple. Yes. Yes I do. I do regret it. I hate my hormones, I hate being a teenage boy but what I hate most is that I didn’t have the strength in mind to stop it from happening.

I definitely wasn’t going to blame Sam. None of this was her fault; it’s my own lack of self control which is to blame. I rolled over and faced Kevin who was now facing my bed in the same position as before just reversed. He was lying on his right arm with his left hanging off the bed. His face was peaceful; a small smile lay on his lips. His snoring was still really light. I could tell he wasn’t thinking or dreaming about the same things I was. He was probably dreaming of Danielle; normal and safe; PG thoughts. No thoughts of regrets or self dislike. Dreaming about walking hand in hand with her through the shopping malls in Jersey, or, replaying meeting her on the beach while we were on holiday in the Bahamas, or crunching their way through the Jersey snow in giant boots and sweaters or lying in the grass in Central Park in New York surrounded by crunchy brown and gold leaves in the middle of the an autumn afternoon.

Those were the things that I should be thinking about. Well, those types of things anyway. I was jealous of my older brothers’ innocent mind. He snored loudly all of a sudden and I jumped. I squeezed my eyes closed; pretending I was asleep just in case he woke up. I heard him settled and I slowly opened my eyes. He had rolled onto his back. I sighed and rolled back onto mine. I stared back at the ceiling as I started to replay some of my memories in my mind.

I remembered feeling impeccably shy and nervous when i walked into the bathroom when she was showering. I was afraid I was going to see some part of her body and my own body was going to go crazy. It was a stupid thing to do; I know that now, but when she popped her head out and smiled at me I knew everything was going to be alright.

I remembered feeling tense and incredibly uneasy when I perched myself on the edge of her bed and waited for her to finish in the shower. I could hear her humming When You Look Me in the Eyes. I had smiled; knowing that that night in the park really meant something to her. I remembered the butterflies in my stomachs pulling stunts and somersaults when I heard the shower turn off.

I remembered my throat going dry and gulping when she walked in to her room dressed in an oversized football jersey, towel drying her growing curls. She looked so hot, so simple, so sexy dressed like that. I remembered trailing my eyes up and down her body, hoping she wouldn’t notice me looking at her like that. I felt vulnerable having her stand over me so I was thankful when she dropped her towel to the floor, rang her fingers through her hair and kneeled in front of me. I felt even more nervous having her that close to me. I could feel her breath on my face. I remember dropping her eye contact because I felt like she could read my mind.

I remembered her soft voice asking me what was wrong and when I didn’t answer, assuming she had done something. I remembered being angry at myself for that; making the girl I’m in love with feel guilty about something she has no power over. It was all me; my own mind, my own thoughts and my own feelings. I remembered feeling frustrated and actually yelling about that fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about the day we almost went there in my room. I couldn’t help but think about what would’ve happened if Kevin hadn’t have walked in when he did.

I remembered an overwhelming feeling of guilt when i admitted to her that I wanted it to happen again. I didn’t want her to feel pressured into doing this for just me, but when she admitted she’d been thinking about it too, I must admit I felt a bit relieved.; but also frightened to death of taking this step. I also remembered my heart plummeting to the pit of my stomach when I told her I was in love with her, because I was nervous she didn’t feel the same way. The guilt didn’t stop and I knew what was holding me back; my ring. When I slid it off my finger I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of freedom. Kissing Sam felt more free, holding Sam close felt more free, being with her in a physical way finally felt like an option.

Deciding to go through with it took coaxing from Sam. She wanted to be 100% sure I was sure and kept on asking. When she slid my shirt over my head, I couldn’t help but smile smugly. I knew I had been working out a little and that my stomach wasn’t just flat anymore; it was more contoured, as was my arms. My try at talking dirty fell through like batter through a colander. The pants I was more unsure about. I was afraid she was just going to rip them off, as well as my boxers and I’d be standing there stark naked; but she asked my permission, only pulling them down slightly and letting me take them off the rest of the way myself. I was more anxious about seeing her body for the first time. I had seen her in her underwear and bra, but not anything less and I knew she wasn’t wearing a bra under the shirt. There wasn’t one in the pile on the bathroom floor. But slowly pulling her shirt over her head caused all my questions and curiosity to melt out of my head. She was stunning; her perfect breasts, her carefully moulded shoulders, her flat stomach and her slightly rounded hips. I remember breathing in sharply at how perfect her body was in front of me; and also being cautious as to not stare too long so wouldn’t become un comfortable.

Moving towards the bed made my senses go crazy. I inhaled the scent of her coconut shampoo and conditioner as her hair fell down over her shoulders when she threw her leg over and straddled my lap again. She leaned down and kissed me and the smell of her apricot facial scrub filled my nostrils. I inhaled deeply. I rolled over so I was on top of her. I trailed my nose from her belly button, up between her breasts and back to her face and smiled at her. She smelled like strawberries.

”You’re like one big fruit tingle aren’t you?”

I remembered running my fingers through her hair. It was still damp from her shower and it was splayed outwards all over the pillow. I remembered the feel of her long smooth legs being dragged against my legs; one being draped over my lower back gently. I remembered caressing her skin; everywhere. It was so soft; her arms, shoulders, her back and her neck. I remembered looking down at her face; the dust of freckles across her cheeks and nose even more adorable this close. Her bright blue eyes were sparkling with both excitement and anticipation. I remembered taking our time take off our underwear; wanting to savour the closeness we were sharing. We both decided not to rush it; this being both of our first times of course. I remembered slowly down dramatically in our making out and the “grinding” action. Sam looked at me with expectant eyes and I asked her if she had anything; protection. She nodded towards her bedside table and instructed me to look in the bottom draw. Amongst other things, that girls need monthly I found condoms; an unopened box nestled in with the tampons. I pulled one out, opened the packet and slipped it on. It was a strange and unusual sensation.

”Are you ready?’ I whispered too her.

She nodded and smiled. I remembered her wincing as I pushed inside her for the first time. I looked at her with scared eyes and she had smiled softly.

”It’s supposed to hurt the first time. It’s okay. Keep going.”

I remembered us slowly getting into a rhythm after Sam assured me that the pain I had caused her had subdued and it was replaced with pleasure. Sam had dragged her nails down my back from my shoulder blades to my hips. It gave me goose bumps. I remember her arching her back and both of our breathing getting heavier and heavier. The breathing was synced with moans and groans.

”I didn’t know it would feel this good, Joe.”

“Gosh Sam. I didn’t either.”

“Fuck. I swear, I am so close.”

“so, so do i.”

I remember not being able to hold on anymore and releasing into the condom. Sam dug her nails into my shoulder blades and arched her back. Her body had shuddered and she collapsed back down onto the bed; a smile gracing her lips. With a small sigh she opened her eyes and looked at me.

”Wow.” Sam had breathed.

“Yeah. Wow.” I agreed. And slipped out of her; collapsing onto the bed beside her.

I remember lying in silence staring at Sam’s ceiling. I heard her sigh and looked over to her beautiful and satisfied face. She was still smiling and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling back at her. I pulled up her blankets over us; resting it over the top of her breasts and stopping at my waist. I lay back on my back and tilted my head to watch her. She turned her had slowly and she opened her eyes.

”I love you Joe.” She whispered.

“I love you too, Sam.”

She turned a little more and closed her eyes. I turned my head from her and picked up her phone. It was 2 in the afternoon and I was exhausted.

I guess it was true that sex takes a lot out of you. It was only proven true to me by the fact that Sam and I had slept all day. I sighed to myself and rolled over facing the window; my back to Kevin. I pulled my knees up to chest under the blankets. I felt something cold trace its way up my leg as I did so. I pulled my hand out from under the blanket and exhaled deeply when my eyes caught my rings.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered sadly into the darkness of my bedroom. “I’m sorry I broke my promise.”