I Loved God, Once.

The two walked in the church hand-in-hand (to which William only found hysterical). Michael had been brought up religious, while his husband was taught to learn a belief himself. He read the bible, attended mass and declared that while there may be a higher power, the thought of God was absurd and religion provided nothing but a trend.

“Can I help you?” A priest entered from the shadows- William nearly had a heart attack at the thought of a ninja-priest in the back of his mind and let out a soft yet improper laugh.

“We’re here to pray,” Michael muttered shortly from William’s side.

“For whom?” The priest smiled at the two men, “I’ll light the candle for you.”

“Our son- our… he…” William’s face was nothing but pain as he tried the word for the first time, “he died during the summer. He would have been a year old today but… he was gone one morning when I went in and… it was just as simple as that. He didn’t cry, he didn’t… hurt. He merely…. Stopped breathing.” The priest nodded quietly with a sort of sympathy that both men hated to see on a stranger’s face.

“He,” William nudged Michael’s arm gently, “wanted to come and… I don’t know, pray for him. But I don’t believe in God.” The priest nodded once again, curt, as if William had offended him with off-hand words. Michael sighed.

“He’s in Heaven- in a better place. God will love him, and welcomed him into His kingdom.” William stiffened next to Michael, who closed his eyes and ignored the statement for his better half of judgment. William, on the other hand, felt this heartbreak and he stood, something crossing his face and he couldn’t help his words.

“How should we love God? How can He c-characterize a loving, kind God while He robs us of our life? Prevents us from an eternity because we are beings nothing but short of Him- and we owe nothing but love? Shall we be kind? He deprives us of our children, our lives. Kills our loved ones, leaves us to deal with nothing but the ’hope’ of the Lord- and has He that hero c-complex? C-Cause the problem to save our day?
He offers a gift but to take it away in a mere moment of His eyes, for a mere game? Is that what we should be called- His Game, instead of humanity? He’s the worst c-character in all of fiction- malevolent and vicious, unforgiving, infanticidal, genocidal- racist! Sexist- homophobic, nonetheless! And how shall we love Him… while He hates the most of us?
Why should I believe in Him, while He won’t believe in Me?”

Michael stayed quiet, watching his husband grab his jacket and leave while the priest stood there, staring after William’s blaze in a curious, almost enlightened expression. Michael pardoned himself and then apologized very quietly for William’s behavior with a soft, sad voice to which the priest smiled dismissively. The blonde grabbed his own coat, shrugging it on before facing the white Chicago chill, walking down the steps to sit with his husband. He took the man’s thin hand, wrapping warm fingers around cold ones.

“It’ll get better.”

“It won’t,” pale lips shiver, “it won’t ever get better so don’t lie to me, Michael. You can pretend that it doesn’t bother you all you want but I won’t go around relying on God to bring him back. He won’t, Michael, he’s not coming back and God took him from us, if He exists.”

“I at least have hope that something’s good happened to him. We’ve got to… try, Will, we can’t sit around and mourn for him anymore. I loved him too, I still love him but he’s… You’ve still got me, Will. You still have me, don’t you?” The two sat there for a while as their fingers became numb and cheeks burned in the bitter bite of the air.

“I loved God once,” William suddenly managed out through tears that nearly froze on his cheeks, “And only once. Not anymore,” his voice dropped and he looked to Michael with some sort of hopelessness, “not anymore.”