Remembering Sunday.

Of all the guys in the room, she sees me, and only me. She snakes her way through the people, grabbing my hand, and leading me away.
I recognize the club, but I’m not sure where from. Is that really where I met her?
We stumble up a staircase, tripping on entwined bodies, empty drinks cups, and random, discarded articles of clothing.
She’s so light on her toes, she almost floats down the hall way, me running after her desperately. I’m glad she doesn’t turn around to see me. We go through a door, into a large suite with a king-size bed.

“Wha-what’s going on?” I ask dumbly, making her laugh. She skips over to me. One of her cool hands stroke my face. He lips aren’t moving, but I hear her say my name. She makes it sound, obscene. Alex. X-rated.

She pulls me onto the bed, throwing me on it, with strength she couldn’t possibly have. I’m panting already, and nothings happened. My hearts leaping, as she climbs on top of me, straddling me.
He cool hand find the bottom of my t shirt and push it up, and over my head, allowing her access to my torso. Pink lips curl into an almost mocking smile, making me feel exposed and inadequate.
Next, I remove her top, as she fiddles with my belt and then zipper. Within seconds, we are stripped down to our underwear. Its silent, except for her giggles. He wide blue eyes watch me from above, willing me to take control.

Wrapping my arms around her, I pull her down on me, rolling over so I’m on top. Fiddling with out remaining clothes. Bodies pressed tight together. I lean in close, and kiss her deeply. our tongues dancing. He hands massage down my back. I lift up. My hears beating so fast, every inch of me tingling. A cold sweat spreads across my forehead and I can hear the blood pumping through my ears, feel it circulating my body. I position myself…

“ALEX!”

I close my eyes tighter, but the voice too deep to be her’s is louder, and her soft giggles are falling away from me. “NOO!” someone yells, getting closer.

“No what?!”

I wake with a start, to see Jack’s concerned face peering down over me. I sigh, sitting up and running my hand threw my hair.

“Dude, you okay? Your sweating like...something that sweats a lot.” he says.

I roll my eyes. “Mmm, jack you are definitely the brains behind this band. And its hot in here!”

“No it’s not!” he says, pulling his hoodie closer around himself. “Man seriously, that’s the fourth time this week you’ve woken me up, moving around like crazy in your sleep. Tonight’s been the worst! I was worried you were gonna knock yourself out on the side of your bunk!”

“You sounded like you were having an asthma attack” Rian calls, walking past. “Yeh, you woke me up too. Again.

I blush, embarrassed. Jack still watching me worried. He keeps asking my what’s wrong and I keep saying nothing, but somehow I don’t think that’s gonna cut It this time. “It’s seriously nothing”.

“Four sleepless nights! Alex, this has to stop. What’s going on? I get up on stage each night, and just want to go to bed!”

I rest my head in my hands. “It’s the girl” I say, very quietly ,as if, if he didn’t hear he would just drop it.

“The one, at the club?”

“Yeah. I can’t get her out of my head. All day, she’s all I think about, and then, when I go to sleep, she’s there in my dreams.

He sighs, sitting down next to me, and resting his hand on my back. “Alex, there are plenty more girls out there-”

“Not like her”

“But you barely knew her! You hung around with her for what, a day?”

“I knew you wouldn’t understand. That’s why I didn’t tell you!”

“I’m trying to understand! But honestly, I think your over-reacting”

I shoot out of bed. “Fine” I say, pulling some clothes on (over my boxers and vest I slept in) “I’m going out for a bit” I put on my shoes and straighten up. He looks even more worried now. Its growing so tense between us, and I hate it. I keep trying to be friendly, but its so forced, it just makes things worse because then he’s wondering why its such an effort for me.

“Where?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why?”

“To clear my head.”

“Well at least take your phone?”

I shake my head, rolling my eyes a little as I grab my Blackberry from his hand. “Sure. My phone. What goods that gonna do dammit.” I mutter.

“It’s barely past 3a.m” he calls after me as I leave.

I lied when I said I didn’t know where I was going. I knew exactly where I was going. I just didn’t go there straight away.
Denny’s catches my eyes, so I try and have breakfast, like I had done with her, but found I couldn’t eat. I then went to the park, sat on a bench, watched birds fight for food. Watched newspapers fly off a sleeping guy on a bench. Watched a stray dog lick him. Watched the sun rise. My eyelids are heavy.

Her arms wrapped around my neck, pulling my face down to hers. He lips hovered over mine for a few moments teasing me, until I couldn’t take the suspense and pulled her straight into me, crashing our lips together passionately. I felt her smile into the kiss, her hands fiddling with my belt again…

I got a number 5 straight into town, then followed two streets down, and one to the right, and there it was. The club. I look at the un-familiar name, the dirty walls, boring building, dull florescent lighting in the blacked out windows. Its shut. I should of known that a club wouldn’t still be open at 8am. Maybe I had guessed subconsciously. I mean honestly; what would I have done if it had been open. Gone in? What’s the point, she wouldn’t of been there.
A deep breath fills my lungs, stinging the back of the throat slightly. I lean into the breeze, but lean to far and fall to my knees painfully. I feel like I’m going mad. I want to run, straight in to a wall. Jump up, and then crash back down. Stamp my feet, punch the ground. Scream. Rip things. I want to be squeezed, and yet left well alone. I want to fly, but stay firmly on the ground. I want movement, yet utter stillness.

“Umm. Excuse me sir, a-are you okay?”

I look up. A tall, tanned black haired girl is standing next to me, bucket in one hand, sponge in the other, holding the door to the club open with her hip, she kicks a doorstop into place.

“Maybe.” I mumble.

“Oh. Well is there anything I can do to help?” she asks.

I don’t know. What do I want? What am I doing.

“Errr, I don’t suppose you’ve seen this girl?” I ask, my hand scrabbling in my back pocket and finding the Polaroid she had put there a week ago.

She places the sponge in the bucket, and gently takes the photo with her spare hand, chewing her lip as she studies it. “Yeh, she’s been her a few times.” she nods.

Heart racing, I ask “do you know where she is?”

“Um, no sorry.” she watches my face fall. I guess my disappointment is as obvious to her as it is to me. She sighs, clearly wanting to help. “I could try and find out though. Maybe? I know someone who knows her, I could try and pass a message?” she tries.

“Oh. Yes. Yes! Okay. Lemme give you my number” I say.

She gives me her phone and I add it.

“Alex.” She says, studying the screen. “Alright, I’ll see what I can do.”

”I think I love you” my voice says, even though it doesn’t sound like me. I know it is.

“I don’t believe in love” she replies.

I blink, confused. She just laughs and leans across the table and kisses me. We get caught up, only to be broken by the waitress coughing and placing our breakfast down.

“I’m gonna call your bluff” I grin, cockily.

She frowns for a second, before suddenly beaming brightly. “I hope so.” she purrs, sending butterflies through my gut.

After this, I go back to the bus. I go the long way, taking my time. When I get there, the guys all kind of ignore me. I guess that’s what its come to. We’ve been together, so close, all this time, and in a week, its collapsed.
Zack and Rian are playing cards on the table, Jacks aimlessly strumming his lifeless guitar. He looks up at me, as I enter the room, and I feel his eyes follow me as I walk over tot the couch opposite where’s he’s sat. I drop myself down, and rest my head back on the cool window.
The next few days are a blur. I zombie about. I hate how it effects so many people, my foul mood. I’m yelled at my bosses, bitched about in magazine, whined about by fans and, eventually, avoided by my band.
That night, backstage, before the gig, me and jack are left alone, for the first time in…days. The tension thickens, the silence grows louder. Eventually, for my own sanity, I decided to leave. I get up and begin making my way to the door but then, Jack speaks.

“Alex. You need to talk to me.”

I look over my shoulder at him. He has bags under his eyes too. He’s beginning to look as bad as me. “About what?” I whisper.

He sighs heavily. “I want to help you.” his voice is thick with concern.

“I don’t think you can…” he sighs again, shaking his head. He looks ill. “Do you believe in love at first sight?” I ask him.

“D…do you think…” his voice trails off, as I nod. “But ho-”

“I don’t know how. It just…happened. I just…know” I feel my eyes filling with tears. “you wanna know what the worst thing is?” my voice is shaky and uneven. He waits for me to continue. “I don’t want the pain to stop. Its all I have. To remember her. It wouldn’t be right to be happy when she’s not here. With me.” I close my eyes, willing the tears away. The next thing I know, I feel Jacks arms around me. I’m stiff at first, but then I let him hug me. I hug him back.

“It’ll be alright. We can-”

We’re interrupted by my phone ringing. I growl under my breath, not in the mood for being social, but answer anyway.

“Hello” I mumble down the phone, my voice suddenly dry.

“Hey, it’s Gabby” a girl says in a deep, soft voice.

“Huh?” I rub my eyes ,stretching up, trying to shake my confusion. Gabby, do I know a Gabby?

“Er, I met you by that club?” My first instinct is panic. Shit, this must be someone I’ve got with! I’m all ready to hang up when she speaks again. “I have some information on Alison, the girl you were asking about”

Sunny.

I cough, by my voice is gone, so she continues. “She’s my friend Blake’s cousin. She’s from San Francisco. She was over here visiting family. My friend. But she’s gone back now.”

I try to ignore the feeling that my hearts just been ripped straight out of my check, and gulp hard, tears re-forming in my eyes. “Gone?” I choke.

“Well, going. Now. Today. She’s getting the train back, across country”

Without thinking I hang up. I leave the van, running as fast as my feet can carry me. My shoes thud down the pavement sending jolting pain up my legs which I ignore, like I ignored Jack calling after me.
The rain starts half way down the road.
I wait at the stop impatiently for a couple of minutes in he rain before the bus comes. I jump straight on, almost forgetting to pay, and then nearly starting an argument with the bus driver for faffing.
I don’t bother sitting down on the bus. Three stops down the line, I fly of, and sprint down to the station. Ignoring the old lady in the cue, I push straight to the front.

“What station is the train for San Fran leaving” I almost yell at the person at reception.

“Today?”

“Yes of corse today!”

“Alright. Alright, I’ll have a look.” the woman starts typing on here keyboard, mmming and ahhing. I tap my finger impatiently on the desk, my whole body shaking. “San Francisco you say?” she asks. I nod crossly. “Ah, visiting family there?”

“No” I growl. “Please hurry up”

“Keep your head on boy” she chuckles. “I hear the weather over there is awful at the moment” she says, her elbow knocking her pen off the table. “Oops” she laughs, slowly bending to pick it up.

“Will you hurry the hell up!” I eventually snap. She looks quite startled.

“Well I never, how rude!” she shakes her head. I’m forced to apologise seeing as it doesn’t look like she’s going to carry on if I don’t. “I’m only trying to help deary. Ooh look at that. Its delayed. It was meant to of left ten minutes ago. Should be going anytime soon.”

“What platform” I growl, through gritted teeth.

“Ahh, train 506 to San Fran. Platform Three” the woman smiles, cheerily.

“Thanks” I yell over my shoulder, although I’m already halfway across the room. Panic, I look around desperately. “No fucking way” I mutter seeing the ‘Platform 17’ sign above my head. I suss out which direction the platform numbers are going and begin running.

16...15...14...13.…..6...5

I can see platform three, the train sitting there still. I hear a whistle sound, noticing for the first time the man at the end of the platform waving that stupid baton thing they have.
If humanly possible, I up my speed, my heart feels like its beating so hard its gonna burst straight through my chest.
I turn sharply running up the platform. That’s when I see her. For a second, time stands still. I can no longer hear the busy noise of trains chugging, men selling newspapers, yelling headline. Parents screaming at their kids to stay away from the edge of the platform. Its all silent. The colour fades and all I can see is her.
She bends down, picking up her brown suitcase with one hand and tucking her hair behind her ear with the other.
Someone on the train takes the bag for her as she begins to take a step onto the train.
I snap back to reality instantly and begin running, almost tripping, down the platform as I see her getting on the train.

“SUNNY!” I manage to yell through heavy breaths. “Sunny wait!” I screech. My trainers skid to a halt as the doors scream shut. I hit the glass and she turns abruptly.
Her eyes pop as she sees me, through the dirty glass window she reaches towards me, frowning heavily.

“Alex?” she mouth confused, her hand reaching up to the glass.

My fists pounding the ‘open’ button as hard as I can hit it but nothings happening. Suddenly, the trains rolls forward, that’s when I see her panic. She shoves the open button too, to no consequence. I see her pull the door. It feels like a dream, just seeing her again. Like I’m watching a film.

“Alex!” she says again, this time I hear it through the glass. Panic is heaving in her voice. I find myself running down the platform, sideways so I can still see her.
My feet drop and I realise the platform is ending and that in a minute I’m going to be on the track.
In that final moment that we have eye contact, she mimes something to me.
“I’ll come back for you”, she says, tears tumbling down her cheeks.

“Sunny!” I call, pathetically one last time, noticing for the first time, I’m crying. Harder than I’ve ever cried before. My chest is burning. I can’t explain the feeling to Jack. He says its because I ran so much, but its not. I feel as though my hears been ripped out. She remembered me. She was going to get off the train.
My legs turn to jelly, giving way. I hit the concrete hard and people start crowding round me.

“Alex!” two voices are calling me. Ones Jack, the others is a girl. I look up, but it’s the girl from outside the club. “Dude are you okay?”
The rain has soaked straight through my clothes, but I know that’s not why I’m shaking. “I should of got straight on the train” I cry.

Jack and the girl sit with me on the platform and try and make it better. I say nothing for almost an hour.

“I guess I’ll go home now” I whisper, getting up slowly. I take one last look at her train.

The next day, Jack warily hands me the newspaper.

Train 506 to San Francisco was derailed on its journey yesterday. After colliding with an oil tanker the train combusted leaving over 20 passengers missing and presumed dead. A true tragedy, uncommon to the railway service. Condolences to the family and friends of; Mary White, James Dawley, Cathrine Jones, Andrew Cerrin, Alison Day…