"I love you, Adrienne..." "I love you too, Mike"

During the next few days I locked myself up in my house. I wanted to think about it all, to clear my mind.

How can you...

Don't start that again!

Whatever...

I needed to clear my mind, and to do that, for some strange reason, I kept comparing Adie and Tre. Tre and Adie.

The differences between them, and the things they have in common.

They both are sensitive.
Understanding
Caring
You could trust them with your life.
Sweet.
They both know me so well.
That kind of people are really rare to find.
But great when found.

It seemed as if the only difference they had was Adie being female and Tre being male. Though he can act female if he really wants to.

Any way I tried to think that, I ended up nowhere.

It may sound a bit stupid, but... To be a fair "judge" I had to "put them on the same level". If you get what I mean...

I so hated myself to think that.

I picked up my mobile and dialled Tre's number.

I felt awful, I felt like I was using him. I was really hating myself. This wasn't right.

But I needed it. I needed him.

Oh, fuck, I don't love him! I may be... attracted to him, but I don't love him!

No fucking way, I'm not even attracted to him, I can't! I'm not!

"Hello?"

Shit. What now?

"Mike, is that you?"

How does he...

Your phone number appears on his display if you call him. Idiot...

Oh, yeah, you're right.

"Mike?!?"

I couldn't do this to him.

I hung up. Why did I have to call him?

I threw myself on the couch and brought my knees to my chest, hugging my legs.

I did want to call him, but at the same time I didn't. Fuck it, it's so complicated. But then again... Which other way, to see who I love?

I thought you knew that already.

What?

I thought you already knew who you love.

Oh, yeah, you're right. I love Adie.

You don't.

What the...? Yes, I do!

Don't.

Do!

It's no use talking to you.

Fine. Then shut up.

Gosh, I know I love Adie! There was no need to call Tre! Adie's my world... She's always been my everything....

I stayed on the couch all day long, not even bothering to turn the lights on, when the room became too dark. Anyway, I didn't need the lights, I had my eyes close, I didn't need to see anything.

I just sat there, and I was enjoying the silence of my big, dark and empty house. It helped me to relax.

Suddenly I heard a distant noise, coming from the front door. I sat there, frozen, and shit scared.

Then, somebody turned the lights on. What the fuck, I thought, what fucking thief would turn on the lights?

"Mike, you in?"

I blinked like 100 times, to prevent me from becoming blind. As soon as my eyes adjusted to the light, I saw who it was.

I jumped up and literally ran towards him, pinning him to the wall.

"What the fuck are you doing here? You scared the shit outta me, Tre!" I yelled at him.

"Well, you scared me too!" was his reply. What kind of reply is that?

"I said, what the fuck are you doing here?" I asked again, letting him go.

He looked down.

"Oh, well... I just.... I didn't... I... um... I just wanted to..."

"Check on me?" I asked coldly.

"Well, you see... I... um... you... I was just..."

"Worried?" I finished for him, again.

He didn't answer.

"Tre, stop fucking worrying about me. I'm fine. Seriously." I tried not to sound too harsh. "Oh great" I added when he didn't look at me. I turned my back on him, but still he remained silent.

I turned back to face him again, but he wouldn't look at me. I just stood there, watching him. He looked like a grown up child, slightly embarrased. He kept shifting his weight from one foot to the other, staring at his shoes and playing with his tie. He was so cute.

Mike, stop it!!

I was so caught in looking at his hands, that I didn't notice his lip trembling. But I did see a tear falling from his eye to the floor.

"...Tre?" I said softly.

"W-why are you d-doing this t-to me, M-Mike?"

Now, that got me confused.

"What the...? To you?" I asked in disbelief. "To you?? What are you doing to me, you mean!"

He didn't answer. Not straight away.

"W-what do you m-mean?"

Why he's not looking at me?

"Well... I... No, nevermind."

Silence again. I was really starting to hate it. Then he spoke again.

"W-why d-did you d-do it, M-Mike?"

We both knew what he was talking about. I absent-mindly brought my hand to my wrist. But I couldn't tell him. No, I just couldn't.

"I... it was an accident... I didn't... I reeally don't wanna talk about it right now."

Please, make him understand I'm not mad at him, please.

"Y-you know... I j-just wanted t-to know, be-because if it's... if it's m-my f-fault, I want t-to know..."

What's so interesting in his shoes? Will you look at me, Tre?!?

"Tre, babe, it's not your fault..."

His head shot up, watery eyes now open wide.

"What did you call me?"

I didn't call him babe, I didn't!!

You just did.

Oh, thanks, I don't need you right now.

"I... oh well, maybe you just heard wrong!" A feeble attempt to escape the situation.

No excuses for this one, Mr Dirnt.

"I heard you just fine, Mike, as I heard you that night in your bedroom!" Shit, did he have to bring that up?

"I... I didn't want to."

"But you just said it!"

"Tre, I didn't want to! I mean... I didn't mean it, I didn't want to!"

He looked at me, he even stopped crying. Maybe it was the shock? Tsk.

Hope. That's what it was. He was fucking hoping!

"Tre, for fuck's sake, stop giving me that look!"

"Mike... p-please, stop pretending."

That really got me angry. Pretending?!?

"Listen up, Tre, I'm not fucking pretending anything! And stop fucking hoping for something that will never happen! You're just trying to make me repeat things I once said but I didn't mean!"

He looked down again, muttering something that sounded very much like liar

"What?" I pushed him again against the wall. "I'm not fucking lying, Tre, you're just getting your hopes up a little bit too much. I don't love you, Tre, got it? I love Adrienne. Adie!" I screamed.

I could see tears forming again in his eyes. He looked up at me, straight into my eyes. No, not into my eyes. Into my soul. He saw things about me that I myself never found out. And he didn't look away. Those blue oceans, discovering my deepest secret I didn't even know to have. I couldn't even look away. It scared me, somehow.

"Mike, you can't spend your life hiding your feelings, or forcing yourself to love someone."

"I don't force myself..." I started, but he put a hand on my mouth.

"You don't love her, Mike. I know you don't." He was crying, but he was determined, and his voice was steady.

I got a bit mad at that one. But I couldn't even say things back to him. I couldn't talk. I was paralized by those blue eyes of his.

"Stop pretending. For once in your life, Mike, think about it. Look into your heart, and tell me, what do you see?"

He put a hand on my chest, right where my heart was. We were so close. Too close. And still, he wouldn't look away.

"You don't love me. Fine. Put it whichever way you want. But you don't love Adie."

Something inside of me broke. He saw it. He kept looking into my eyes, sorry, my soul, and he saw that.

"I know you, Mike."

With a huge effort, for a man his size, he pushed me off of him and ran.

I fell back on the floor, realisation hitting me as painfully as my ass met the floor.

And I finally understood what those eyes saw, deep inside of me.

Those icy blue eyes, melting into tears.