The Beach House

“Mom, Dad?” I said into my cell phone. “Look, I know you’re at work and I know you’re going to be super pissed at me when you hear this but… I had to leave the city. I’ll be back as soon as I can. This is nuts and you have every right to hate me, but I wanted to let you know where I am so you wouldn’t worry. I’m really sorry. And everything will be explained when I get home. I…I love you guys. More than you know.”
I hung up and put my phone in the passenger seat next to me. The light had finally changed and I sped down the road.
I had to go back to where this all started. Dallas may not be there, but I at least had to talk to Amber. An apology was probably pretty worthless, but I owed at least an attempt at one to her. Maybe I could get Marty to call Dallas and then I could talk to him that way. Except Marty didn’t have Dallas’ number. Fuck.
The silence in the car was there, but sirens went off in my head.
I was pregnant.
The baby might not make it.
Because I was probably going to die in six months.
I finally had to hear something, anything. So I cleared my throat.
“Uhm…hi, baby,” I said. “I know this is totally weird that I’m actually talking to you, but if people in a coma can hear I’ll bet little people in the womb can hear too. So…hi, I’m-I’m mommy. Josey. Your daddy’s name is Dallas. But your daddy hates me right now. I did a really bad thing to him, and I betrayed him. I still love him, though.
“Behind his back I was going with his best friend. Her name’s Amber. She’s beautiful. And talented. I love her too.
“That’s why I’m so scared to have you, baby. I hate the thought of bringing you into a crazy world. Sometimes…the ones that say they love you are the first ones to hurt you. That’s what I did. And I’d do just about anything to take it back. I hope when—“ I didn’t say if, “—you come, you won’t make all the stupid mistakes I made. I hope you can stay with your daddy, or someone, if I can’t stick around. Maybe your grandpa, or my parents. “Your other grandpa is named Marty. He’s from the south. I guess he’s technically your great grandpa. Your daddy’s parents died when he was younger, so Marty takes care of him. That’s the other complicated thing in this world, death. But you’re sure to learn that pretty fast when you get here. And that’s my fault to.
“But you know, I’m also happy to have you, baby. You know what Amber always says? She says people are like seashells. Beautiful, and wonderful in their own way. And I may not really know you yet… but I can already tell you’re going to be the most beautiful seashell that there ever was.”
I hadn’t realized I was crying the entire time until I choked on “ever was.” What kinda of a mother would I be? I’m sure I’d be awful.I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be a nourishing mother who could raise a beautiful son or daughter, and have their dad be around. But I had made to many stupid choices for that to happen.
“Baby,” I continued, “I hope you can forgive me someday. I wasn’t expecting you, but you’re not a mistake. You are exactly what I need right now, even though that’s totally selfish of me. And it may be too soon to say this, but just in case you never get to hear it… I love you. I love you more than anything in the entire world. And nothing will ever truly keep you from me.” I swallowed hard. “And I’m going to make sure you get here.”
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AMBER’S POV
Back at the dock again. I really needed to stop that. The Westin’s beach house was empty, and now Josey was gone on top of Dallas. I still loved her, that was for sure. But sometimes…sometimes she could be such an Andi.
Since the first time I’d come to the dock I hadn’t really cried once. But this time I let myself just plain fucking sob. I sat on the very edge of the dock and watched my tears make those echo ripples in the water.
“I am such a fucking bitch,” I sobbed, speaking to no one. But I guess I had to hear it from myself for once. “I am such a fucking BITCH.”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
The voice made me jump. I nearly fell off the edge of the dock, but just in time a pair of hands grabbed my shoulders.
Before I knew who it was I said thank you. Guess that’s just the way I was raised. But when I turned around I would’ve given anything to drown in the ocean below.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came back.”
Another batch of tears flowed down my cheeks as I stood and hugged the most amazing person in front of me, never wanting to let go.
“Please forgive me,” I cried. “I know you probably won’t, but if you do just let me have that. Knowing I’m forgiven. You don’t ever have to even speak to me again—“
“Amber, shut up. I already forgave you. I just…I need you, you know. I can’t be all alone in New York.”
“Dallas…. I missed you.”
Then we both cried and hugged each other forever.

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JOSEY’S POV
Four hours later and multiple apologies and descriptions of the people I loved to my little belly-contained friend, I pulled up in front of Comfort Coffee and Bakery once again. I jumped out of my car and ran inside. As soon as the smell struck me I wanted to cry all over again, and my eyes welled.
“TANG!” I yelled, my voice catching. “TANG, PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE HERE.”
She ran out of her office and beamed when she saw me. “Josey, what’re you doing back…” Her face fell. “Josey, what’s wrong?”
I ran into her arms. Déjà vu. I sobbed and sobbed until she shook me, lightly off, demanding an answer.
“Please, Tang, tell me where Amber is.”
Her face fell even farther. “Joes, she’s not here.”
“Alright, fine, is she at the lighthouse.”
“No.”
“Okay, Kimmy’s? Marty’s Out for a drive, when will she be back?”
“No, J,” Tang said. “She’s not here. She’s gone.”
Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. “Gone where?”
Tang sat me down in a chair before she spoke, and then sat across from me. “Dallas came back about three hours ago. He stopped at Marty’s and gave him his address and apartment number in New York.Then he and Amber came here. They packed her things into her car and left.”
Comfort Coffee and Bakery suddenly ran out of oxygen. Dallas. New York. Gone.
This couldn’t be happening. Not today.
“Now, I’ve told you what I know, tell me what’s happening.” Tang said.
“I… I cant right now,” I said unstably. “This is just a lot in one day, you wouldn’t believe it.”
“Well, I’m sure it can’t be the end of the word,” Tang attempted to be cheery. “I know this is quite a blow but it could be worse. You could be dying or pregnant or something.”
I actually laughed at that. Not a normal “haha that’s true I’m being silly it’s not so bad”, but a full out creeper laugh. Then that turned into tears, and I just stared at her.
She looked at me for a minute, trying to read me. Then her face fell again.
“Oh my God… no, no no no…”
“That’s exactly what I said,” I told her. “I found out this morning and then came straight here.”
“You can’t… Both?.. But, how…?”
“Does it matter? Either way, it’s happening. The…the doc gave me six months. At worst, but I might make it longer.” I started to cry again.
Tang just let me cry. She got up and got me a hot chocolate and a muffin. “Comfort food, no pun intended,” she said. Then I heard her in her office calling Kayvan and Kimmy.
She sat with me for twenty minutes and tried to distract me. “I guess we’ve all had a pretty eventful two days. You find out…this… Dallas is home, Amber leaves. Oh, and Kimmy and Kayvan are dating.”
I was surprised for minute. But that explained the moments over the summer when Kimmy had ogled at him, like the day of my intervention. Then all her unusual quietness around him. At least something in the world made sense right now.
When they got there, I explained to everyone what Dr. Meridian had said. We hugged and cried and, actually, prayed. My second time in a day and I wasn’t even religious.
Guess the thought of death could do that to you.
On my way out an hour later, I turned back and looked at my mourning friends.
“Tang?” I said. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Anything, Josey.”
“What’s your real name?”
She was red faced and tear-streaked, but she smiled at me anyways. “Comfort.”
Well that explained it.

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I walked into Marty’s. He was at the front counter, and he smiled at me.
“Well, well, if it isn’t Miss Josey!” he smiled. (I think he was the only person I knew that I could describe as “jolly.”) “You know, you are the second person I’ve been most surprised to see today.”
“I know Dallas came home. I was just next door talking to everyone. Tang told me.”
“Well, that saves me some air. So how may I help you?”
I stuck out my hand. In it, I held a letter. I had sat in the car, writing it all out. It took a hard half hour and a lot more tears (I’d never cried more in one day in my life), but it had to be done.
“Could you put this in an envelope, and mail it to Dallas and Amber? It’s really important.”
He looked at me, concerned, and took the letter. “I may be old and losing my eyes,” he said, “But I can still see that something is terribly, terribly wrong.”
I was at the door, ready to walk out. I turned around. “And let me say in advance… I’m sorry, Marty.”
“What for?”
I took a deep breath. “I’m carrying your great grandchild, but worse case scenario is my liver will give out and in six months I may be dead.”
I never heard his response. I just walked out the door.

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I went three places after that.
First, the lighthouse. There was no longer a lock on the door, so I climbed up and went into, what was, Amber’s studio. What I saw shocked me.
Amber really did take everything with her. The purple curtains, the rugs, the lights, everything. Gone. No art. Except for one picture, taped up in the center of the light.
I balanced myself up on the railing and looked closely. It was a picture of me. Sleeping silently on her Emily the Strange sheets, clearly naked but sheets pulled up high enough to cover me. This sight brought on a whole new wave of tears.
Next, the dock Dallas’ dad had built. It seemed lonely when I got there but a part of me didn’t feel alone. Some presence of something, still there.
I looked out on the ocean and reminisced. The day Dallas and I had gone swimming in our clothes to the island, and when he popped up and scared me, and pulled me into the water. The few times I had come here afterward just to remember that or think.
This place was the one place that confused me about Dallas leaving. His father had built this. If it were me, I would’ve never left the beach house or this place. But knowing Dallas the way I did, I knew he probably needed to let it go, and start a new life with only memories instead of ghosts close at hand.
The last place I went was the beach house. I stared at the side of the surf shack at Amber’s mural. I cried. I went inside and remembered seeing Gandalf in here, then all the nights he’d stuck around as my companion. I cried. I used my key to get inside the house. I looked around at how empty it seemed. I cried. I went up to my room and gazed around, remembering every night and day that had passed here. And I looked at the bed, where the child in me had been conceived. My red bike was leaning against the wall. I cried.
Finally I went out and sat on the back steps to look at the ocean.
Everything that I intended to happen in the past hadn’t. The summer had come and gone completely unlike it was planned. I had hurt people, I had loved people. Fuck, I had made people. Well, person.
Everything in my letter is what I intended to happen in the future. But I wrote it knowing nothing inside was for sure. It was a dream, a request, and a hope. Apologies, confessions, and statements.
I stood and got in the car. And I watched the beach house disappear from sight in the rearview mirror.