To the End of Sweet Revenge

The rest of the day for me was a blur as I spent in my bunk, wallowing in my own self pity. One thing I was looking forward to was this tour coming to an end, I had a week left and then it would be back to Jersey to start work on our second album.

This meant I could also put this tour behind me and try to move forward or in other words able to forget about Gerard and the biggest mistake I’d made.

However while still on tour I was going to avoid him the best I could especially his brother who I was sure had me on his hit list.

Getting out of the bunk wearing trackies and a baggy singlet where I rummaged threw the small bar fridge looking for some comfort food to try and take away some of my sadness away.

Unable to locate anything I placed on some shoes, grabbed my bag and hoodie and headed off the bus in search of food. Not caring about the way I looked, I put my sunglasses back on so as not to be recognised.

Walking around, I stayed back to where the tour buses were but all the food I could smell that was being sold to the general public was making me want to go there.

Curiosity was taking over as armed with my pass I left the backstage area and headed in to the unknown of locating some beautiful comfort food.

It was weird walking around seeing all these fans for all the bands on PR and it was quite en lighting not being recognised. Eventually I found my way over to the food stand and stood in line like everyone else.

Seeing the food that was on offer I went straight for a hotdog, having paid I walked away while I started to stuff my face with the food that I had bought.

Before long and after having a look around at what was going on at PR I decided to head back to the bus where I could go back in to my own world.

Walking up to where the backstage entrance was, automatically the security personnel recognised me and allowed for me to pass through.

Getting back to the bus I retreated back to my bunk where I felt was the only safe place to be, I was ready to have a broken heart but I did and I knew there was still nothing that I could do about it whether I liked it or not.

Gerard and I were history and that was the way it was gonna stay forever, it was time for him to move on and for myself to try and get forgiveness for the mistakes I’d made. To learn from what I’d done but at the same time to also move on with my life no matter how hard it was gonna be.

Gerard didnt need me if anything he deserved 100% better then what he got from me, in the end I’d just treated him like a piece of garbage ready to dispose off when I’d had enough, I hadn’t realised that he was the one, the one that was going to mend my heart, allow me to open up, to express myself artistically and as a lover.

Laying in my bunk I started to think of Gerard, it seemed as though I was unable to get him off my mind. As much as I wanted to I couldn’t, I wanted him back, I needed him. He was as I’d said the one, the one that was there for me and I should have been there for him.

Wiping the tears away from my face I knew that over time it would get easier but I didnt want it to get easier I wanted to be able to turn the clock back in time and start all over again from when we had first met, to be able to give my heart fully to him with no strings attached, no plans of misery or destruction. Nothing not even sweet revenge.

I was past that. I wanted him and that was it. Nothing more nothing less and what made it worse that now I truly couldn’t have it.

Time passed and I stayed on my bunk thinking of Gerard until Coco came bolting on looking for me.

“Oh my god Dakota, you have to come watch My Chem tonight.”

Rolling over I looked at Coco with a weird expression. “Are you crazy Coco, I’m staying away from all of them, they all hate me.”

“No they don’t...I swear yes they agree what you done was wrong but that’s it.”

“Please Jay and Mac are doing other things and I don’t want to be by myself.” Coco exclaimed.

As much as I wanted to see Gerard and If I could run across the stage and tell him I loved him so much, there was no chance that I was going. I wasnt ready to face him and his brother, well he just plain scared me.

I knew when it was right to stay away and this was that time. I wasnt as strong as Gerard and why he had come to see us perform I didnt know.

I’d realised not to care it wasnt worth it, what was the point of getting my hopes up if in the end all it was going to do was break my heart even further.

Rather I’d decided that alcohol was going to be my best friend, eventually after about 10 or so times I’d finally convinced Coco that I definitely was not going to the show, as much as she wasnt impressed at the same time I was sure she understood.

After Coco had left and I had the bus to myself, I searched for the stash of alcohol which I found very easily, tonight I was gonna get pissed and I didnt care.

I wanted to drown my thoughts away, finding the vodka I opened the bottle and started to take a mouthful of it as I felt it burn down my throat.

Before long half the bottle had been emptied and my soft tears were now loud sobs as what I thought would have put Gerard to the back of my mind, had opened a new can of worms and he was all that I could think of.

By the time Coco got to the bus I’d nearly finished my beautiful alcohol and was smoking a cigarette.

Everything right now seemed worthless and that I was worthless there was only one thing I could do, knowing it was the alcohol that was giving me determination I needed to see him, regardless of how I looked or added.

I needed to know for sure that he didnt love me and that he still hated me in order to move on as then once again I wouldn’t get my hopes up and think something could happen when it was never going too.